When a child misbehaves, such as by hitting others, stealing or smoking cigarettes, current psychology directs parents to use Cognitive Behavioral methods, or CBT. It makes logical sense to parents when CBT advises them to act as a team, decide on consequences or punishment, and follow through with enforcement every time. This is done with the intent to teach and train their child NOT to repeat the behavior and the method is believed to provide the consistency that children need to ‘shape’ their behavior. Parents are informed that this is the most humane and evidence-based form of child-rearing that will positively affect their child’s personality development for the future.
Unfortunately CBT originated by observing animal behavior and uses animal training methods to apply to children. These promote learning through reward-and-punishment, combined with repetition-and-consistency to make sure the learning is fixed and remembered. However, an important oversight is that the comparison of a child with any animal is a fallacy. DOLF adamantly maintains that there is a quantum leap between a human child and even the highest animal, and that unlike an animal, no human can ever be taught or trained to behave in certain ways. In fact, it should come as no surprise that a child is smart enough to know exactly what you want them to do, but just doesn’t WANT to do it or obey you. It is an exclusively human-to-human dynamic!
DOLF reveals that the Mind of a Child and the Adult Mind operate very differently and that human Instincts are NOT the same as those of animals. We learn that children constantly inhabit an underworld of primitive, intangible Instincts and Emotions that make no Intellectual or logical sense to adults. Even though children are inclined to obey their elders, DOLF notes that as humans, children possess an innate and almost indestructible WILL, which helps them make decisions independently about their actions. Although a human being can be more tame and social than an animal, due to their innate WILL, they can never be entirely controlled or succumb wholly to another person’s tutelage. This mysterious factor of WILL even holds true in cases of extreme social domination such as slavery, where strict obedience is demanded. In these cases compliance occurs for self-preservation, but the human WILL to escape and be free from control still remains strong.
So how does our human child respond to CBT-inspired reward-and-punishment, or consequences-for-behavior methods of enforcing discipline? What does a child actually think and feel when they know their parents are jointly acting as a “team” to create a structured plan and teach them a lesson to correct their bad behavior?? In her/his little Mind of a Child, they perceive the reward-and-consequences paradigm as
THEIR OWN TWO PARENTS GANGING UP TO CONSPIRE AGAINST THEM!
From the child’s perspective, and even more especially when educators or therapists add their input, it all looks like AN EVIL, HATEFUL PLOT! To a child it looks and feels like a conspiracy to strip them of their personal WILL and dignity! The child thinks and feels: “What? You BIG, ANGRY BULLIES, who are supposed to LOVE and PROTECT me, are GANGING UP and conspiring to decide about
HOW TO PUNISH LITTLE OLD HELPLESS ME, WHO MUST FEND FOR MYSELF??
Now this scenario provides the child with the cue to respond in self-defense with a self-protective dose of their own Anger. In their little Mind of a Child they have NO understanding of the “justice” or “consequences for actions” that WE are preoccupied with and trying so hard to impose! It makes absolutely NO sense to them because they are UNable to fathom the cause-and-effect message we are trying so hard to send them. In their own little world and with our prescribed “training” they only see themselves as the vulnerable one who is being punished. Moreover, ever looking over and comparing themselves with their sibling they see that, to their horror
their SIBLING is being treated better!!
DOLF reminds us that every child’s main preoccupation at ALL times is only and exclusively with SIBLING RIVALRY. It happens even when the sibling is NOT present and NOT even involved in the altercation of the moment. And it happens ALL the while that the parents are, in their logical, Adult Mind sincerely trying to be “fair” to both children!!
But the real Emotional damage that CBT posturing inflicts on the misbehaving, challenging child comes over time. With the accumulation of these negative experiences of punishment that they do NOT understand and are too cognitively immature to fathom, ANGER and ANXIETY set in to disrupt their mental functioning. Their childish thinking progresses to: It’s not fair! I’m so hurt and so mad! I’ll show you! And if the enforcement of discipline goes on, thinking solidifies and becomes ever more determined: I’ll never do what you say! I hate you! I know you want me to be a goody-goody like my sucky sibling who does everything you want, but I don’t WANT to do what you say because I’m opposite. I’ll do anything NOT to be like my sibling, and I like myself that way! Why don’t you appreciate the way I am? And besides, I know YOU LOVE MY SIBLING MORE THAN ME – but I don’t care – because I HATE you all back!!”
Even though of course, this thinking strikes us as imbecile and nonsensical, hopefully it gives us some insight into this Emotionally generated self-dialogue in which every child is deeply immersed at all times. Within the confines of their primitive thinking, where Anger and Anxiety flood their brains and hearts, their suspicions about our actions are provoked. Especially when they sense we are devising a plan to act together as a “team” to enforce our discipline, their logical thought processes become stunted. Clarity and logic are prevented by the interference of the negative Emotions that consume them and cause a road block, making it impossible to progress smoothly toward mature thinking. They become stuck in their Anger and Anxiety. Together this cascade of feelings creates an impasse to cognition, so that with time and extended exposure to such conflict, access to the paths of transition to the next stages of mature, reality- and Intelligence-based thinking becomes hopelessly blocked and ends up shutting down!
So once we delve into the Mind of a Child, it becomes clear to us how the application of CBT-style punishment sets the stage for creating either an ANGRY, ANXIOUS and vengeful child, or a DEPRESSED, ANXIOUS and withdrawn one. Both will go on to defy us, cause problems for their parents, and/or become a burden to society for a lifetime. In fact, once we familiarize ourselves with DOLF, it soon becomes clear that punishment of any kind is an extremely delicate operation!
Rather than punishing, which is the standard advice of CBT, as well as our very human, reflexive reaction toward misbehavior anyways, DOLF recommends sorting out the sources of misbehavior, and understanding the reasons behind the poor social adjustment of any child. It advises looking into SIBLING RIVALRY and FAVORITISM as the principal underlying issues that need to be resolved before conformity can be expected or achieved. DOLF asserts unequivocally that this is the preferred method of dealing with any type of problem behavior, whether it be displayed in childhood or adulthood as mental illness, criminal activity, substance abuse or other. DOLF contends that these patterns of social maladjustments are initiated at the very beginning of life and will most likely extend their influence well into full adulthood, persisting to characterize each one of us unless appropriate intervention is taken through DOLF-inspired measures. (Cont’d in Parental Anger and CBT – Part 2)
