• A GUIDE TO FAMILY DYNAMICS •
Welcome to DOLIF Psychology
DOLIF, the Distribution Of Love In Families, refers to the way that parents distribute the precious, but well hidden, commodity of LOVE among their children.
DOLIF theory is intended as an alternative to Cognitive Behavioral Theory or CBT, as well
as most other psychological theories.
After 45 years of observation, independent research personal experience, and studying family relations through four generations: 1. my mother and father (a four-sibling and a nine-sibling family), 2. my Family of Origin (three siblings), 3. my Family of Procreation (two siblings) and 4. their families, my grandchildren (three siblings and two siblings), this author
VERA RABIE, Doctor of Psychology
discovered that CBT, the most popular current system of beliefs, is incorrect. Having been adopted in the early 1900’s, it was found to apply well to animals. However, it was soon extended to humans, especially children.
Instead Vera Rabie, D.Psy., discovered that in humans, there is a completely independent and separate domain of functioning: the Emotional domain or
Mind of a Child.
We all possess a Mind of a Child that governs our thinking and behavior because we were all once children. And by following child-centered thinking over half a century Vera Rabie, D.Psy. found that since children function by inborn instinct and their thinking and behavior is governed by Emotions rather than adult style Intelligence, in order to raise mentally healthy children, we need to learn to accommodate the Mind of a Child.
Dr. Rabie uncovered an unspoken economy of LOVE that occurs spontaneously between parents and children in every family and is the center of a child’s world, but makes no sense to adults. This is how it works.
It seems that without talking about it but living within their Emotional realm, every human child instinctively competes for MORE PARENTAL LOVE than their next born sibling. As adults, we see this every day but dismiss it as frivolity and call it “normal”
SIBLING RIVALRY.
But it is mandatory for us to understand that children, given their limited knowledge of the world around them and their inborn instinctual drives, are at all times immersed in this world of Sibling Rivalry with their next born sibling over parental LOVE!
Yet ironically it seems that, in response to their children’s desperate competition for LOVE and attention, without realizing it, parents end up directing MORE LOVE or FAVOR toward some children than others.
Specifically, parents show more LOVE or FAVOR toward the sibling who displays pleasing, positive social behavior. By contrast, they show comparatively LESS LOVE or DISFAVOR toward the sibling who displays unpleasant or negative behavior.
Vera Rabie, D.Psy. discovered that all children behave the way they do, whether positive or negative, to gain our LOVE! DOLIF theory proposes that the reason for both positive and negative behavior in children is PARENTAL LOVE, or LACK OF PARENTAL LOVE, COMPARED WITH A SIBLING!
So, how should parents DISTRIBUTE their LOVE to achieve the best results in their children’s social and behavioral adjustment?
In order to improve their child’s negative behavior, DOLF recommends that parents reverse the process of Favoritism and direct MORE LOVE toward their LESS well-behaved child.
When parents do change their attitude toward their
negatively-behaved child and direct MORE LOVE toward them, the difficult child’s behavior improves swiftly and dramatically.
It provides ongoing proof that DOLIF theory is accurate and that FAVORITISM or LOVE from parents is indeed the unspoken source of motivation when children behave badly. It also shows that changing the parents’ attitudes was the critical factor influencing their child’s negative behavior.
Dr. Rabie’s findings also indicate that LACK OF PARENTAL LOVE or Disfavor in comparison with a next-born sibling is the main cause of Emotional problems throughout life such as mental illness, substance abuse, money-hunger, sociopathy, criminal behavior and more.
YOU LOVE MY BROTHER/SISTER MORE THAN ME!
*To read more, see the four phases of DOLIF THEORY.
*Also refer to the Blogs for real-life case studies of treatment using the DOLIF method.
ABOUT VERA RABIE, DOCTOR OF PSYCHOLOGY
I obtained my BA at McGill University, and Doctor of Psychology from the University of Montreal. I later worked in long and short term mental health settings, adult corrections, youth corrections, education, employee assistance and private practice.
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