• TREATMENT WITH DOLF •
The essence of the DOLF treatment method lies with deciphering the invisible flow or DISTRIBUTION of LOVE in a family. This is not done by following the common logic of our Adult Mind, but instead by following the style of perception that children naturally possess in their Mind of a Child. In other words, the DOLF diagnosis of a family is constructed out of the child’s point of view. However, the task of diagnosing a family by the DOLF system is admittedly challenging for adults because children are acutely sensitive to the undercurrents of LOVE in their family, while parents have almost no familiarity with this phenomenon and many actively deny that any such dimension even exists.
Though it may sound distasteful to us, because DOLF is concerned with an imbalance in the Distribution Of Love, we refer to this imbalance in LOVE as parental Favoritism. Yet parents are very reluctant to confront the idea that there may actually be a difference in the LOVE they have in their hearts for their various children. Most parents adamantly insist that there is no difference in the way they treat or feel about all their children. Nevertheless, a diagnosis can always be made because of the absolute predictability of Favoritism in every family, since its origins are derived from pure human instinct and cannot be avoided. The reasons for this are described in other blogs.
Once a diagnosis is made about the Distribution Of Love or Favoritism in the family according to the DOLF formula, parents are then advised to make their best efforts to remedy the problems of negative behavior they face with their Disfavored child by shifting their feelings of LOVE. In essence, their task is to alter, balance, or even reverse, the LOVE they feel toward their negatively behaved child, as compared with a well-behaved adjacent sibling. That is, DOLF instructs parents to adjust their innermost feelings by decreasing their LOVING feelings toward their MORE LOVED well-behaved child, and increasing their LOVING feelings toward their LESS LOVED, poorly behaved child. They are advised, as much as they can, to try to LOVE their misbehaving child in a similar way to, and as much as, they LOVE their well-behaved one.
Like the positive and negative roles played out by the first adjacent siblings in a family, in the next part of the diagnosis, DOLF distinguishes between parents. Going by the preferences of the Mind of a Child that is again guided by inborn instincts rather than the familiar logic or reason in our Adult Minds, the DOLF formula searches to find the parent whom the children sense and respond to as MORE LOVING and the one whom they sense and respond to as LESS LOVING. The parent who is most responsible for changing their own feelings, and the one upon whose shoulders this task mostly falls, is the parent whom the children perceive as the more attachable, more easy-going and MORE LOVING one. DOLF designates this parent as the Prime Love Giver (PLG), while the second parent, or Additional Love Giver (ALG), is also an extremely important source of support in the process of adjusting and altering the course of the precious LOVE in the family.
Even though children continually annoy us, DOLF prescribes that, in order to manage one child’s persistent negative behavior, parents should bite their tongue, contain their Anger and resist their natural urge to use standard disciplinary measures, such as traditional behavior-based methods. DOLF instructs parents to recognize instead that their difficult child is behaving wildly or unpleasantly because all children, of which the first two are the best example, are embroiled in a continuous, bitter SIBLING RIVALRY with their immediately next-born sibling. Due to human instincts that drive both siblings to be repelled from each other with reverse magnetic force, using their Mind of a Child, siblings behave in opposite ways in order to attract their own pool or quantity of attention and LOVE. Parents are therefore advised to respond with positive LOVING feelings to this disguised plea on the part of their difficult child, instead of punishing the child, feeling Angry, comparing them with their well-behaved sibling, or becoming resentful of her/him.
It is admittedly a strategy that tests the limits of patience and tolerance in parents. A remedy such as this that goes against the natural intuitions of the Adult Mind can even cause major discord among parents, as well as between parents and their advisors, and even parents and their religious beliefs. The question they will face is whether to use conventional methods of discipline, or subscribe to the DOLF method where discipline is avoided or minimized. In making the decision about which course of action to follow, parents should bear in mind that disciplinary methods first originated with ancient religious beliefs, and were later incorporated into mental health theories where it was found that animals could be trained or their behavior “shaped” by using simple reward and punishment. These methods also follow the natural Intelligence-based thinking of the Adult Mind. DOLF theory maintains that these common sources of advice about child-rearing are inappropriate for use with humans, particularly children. This is due to the supremacy of the uniquely human WILL that distinguishes humans from animals. DOLF is backed by the author’s 40+ years of intensive observation, analysis and empirical research with both children and adults.
There are many advantages to using the DOLF method. One is that if parents both cooperate, they can often figure out how to treat their difficult child on their own. This means there would be no need to ask for the help of a therapist or other type of intervention. Their new attitudes could instantly improve the quality of their family life as well as their own personal circumstances. Most parents are fully capable of changing their own attitudes and responses to their children’s behavior through private parent-to-parent discussions at home. However, there is one important caveat. Let me make it absolutely clear that children should have nothing to do with this process of improving, adjusting or altering their feelings of LOVE, and that parents should NOT in any way involve any of their children in these discussions. This is true about the negative child who should never have to confront their parents’ opinions about the distribution of LOVE in their family. It is equally true about this child’s well-behaved sibling, even though this sibling often may seem more than eager to put in their opinion about how to manage their naughty sibling’s behavior. Parents should know that the positive sibling (whom they probably believe was endowed with perfect genes) carries the same agenda as the poorly-behaved one in that this child holds the same hostile, Anger-generated feelings of SIBLING RIVARLY. This is due to their fundamental desire to eject their sibling from the desirable turf that engages their mutual PLG in LOVING relations, and protect their own POT OF LOVE. It is important to emphasize that children are NOT aware of their rivalrous motivations, that any amount of determination to convince them of their jealousies are futile. Any such discussions with either sibling may even cause them emotional harm.
Another advantage of the DOLF system is that, because of its accuracy in reading and understanding the Mind of a Child, children often respond instantly to the prescribed remedy. It means that significant changes in negative behavior and in the children’s personalities can occur immediately, or in very short order, so that parents may reap the rewards of their effort very soon. By using DOLF parents have nothing to lose. With little effort and by simply adopting a positive attitude to their negative child, they stand the best chance of sparing themselves the long-term agony, hardship and grief of facing an emotionally alienated adult child who may eventually express their defiance through rebellion, substance abuse, crime, mental illness or even suicide. For society at large, the use of DOLF gives us the best chance of raising socially compliant, upstanding individuals, and avoiding the horrors associated with long-term social/emotional problems.
Finally, in order to accomplish the monumental task of trying to LOVE their negatively-behaved child as much as they LOVE their well-behaved sibling, parents should first and foremost put aside any prejudice about genetic factors being responsible for the differences among their children, which are often glaringly obvious. In DOLF the disparity in children’s character and behavior is NEVER assumed to be due to inborn ‘good’ or ‘bad’ genes and there are many sources of proof offered in the blogs. One proof relates to the enormous disparities among identical twins. But the most powerful practical proof is that opposite personalities occur in the first two siblings with 100% certainty in every family. Not only is it statistically impossible to be such a fixed pattern without some explanation, but this same factor leads to the predictability of the personalities of the first two children as reliably opposite. Unfortunately this phenomenon is unheard of as yet in any psychological literature, but is well explained in most of the blogs on this website. Finally, over and over again, the successful application of the DOLF method itself provides continual empirical proof of its validity.
For further explanation visit the blog titled: More About Treatment
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