• DOLF THEORY •
DOLF is an acronym for the DISTRIBUTION OF LOVE IN FAMILIES. DOLF is a new psychological theory. The title is meant to alert us to the way that parents distribute their LOVE among their children. ‘Understanding DOLF requires delving deep into the domain of Emotions. It requires a change from our conventional thinking about human psychology. Instead of looking at behavior, DOLF follows an invisible thread of Emotions that children constantly feel, experience, perceive and respond to, but that adults unfortunately, routinely deny.
DOLF theory analyses family Emotional dynamics. It specifically focuses on the quantity and quality of parental LOVE that every child is receiving from their parents, now or in the past. Moreover, DOLF proposes that this amount of parental LOVE is the causal factor behind personality development, and hence the dynamic determinant of human behavior. In other words, DOLF checks and analyses the differential in the amount of LOVE that is given to one sibling, as compared with an adjacent sibling. Living in their own Emotional world and using their Mind Of A Child, children are acutely sensitive to this LOVE differential at all times. However, parents remain unaware of this invisible stream of LOVE that their children are constantly looking for. As things stand today, parents are insensitive to the flow of LOVE as they raise their families, and usually even vigorously deny that they could possibly be giving more LOVE to one child than to another.
In common everyday interactions, this difference in parental attitudes toward each child, or the LOVE differential, is displayed as FAVORITISM. In other words, DOLF talks about parents having MORE LOVE in their hearts for some children and Favoring them, while they have LESS LOVE for others and Disfavoring them by comparison.
As an undetected and exclusively Emotional process, we can explain how this Distribution Of Love occurs in every family in 4 phases:
In every family, as soon as a first child is born, a critical but unspoken Emotional decision comes about. This unspoken decision is real and vital to the psychological survival of any child, but is challenging for adults to understand or even believe. It is that, Emotionally speaking:
Every set of parents divides into one who is MORE LOVING and one who is LESS LOVING.
Although it is never verbalized and usually vigorously denied, on an Emotional level, parental inequality is a fact of life. DOLF recognizes that in the primitive domain called the Mind of a Child, two parents never carry the same Emotional weight, influence or attraction for their children, and can never substitute for one another in the eyes and minds of their children.
So, within the first 3 to 6 months of their first newborn’s life, one parent emerges as more Emotionally receptive toward their baby. This happens because every infant instinctively responds to the quality and quantity of LOVE that comes from one parent – as compared with the other. This difference in parental warmth is NOT merely a figment in the Mind of the Child, but rooted in the actual attitudes, actions and behaviors of the new parents. In other words two parents do actually exude MORE and LESS of the precious commodity of LOVE that every child instinctively seeks from the moment of birth. And according to DOLF, these hidden Emotional dynamics remain the core of personality and behavioral development in all humans, even though theses dynamics have never before been uncovered using traditional scientific methods.
DOLF Theory, which represents the Instinctual and Emotional domain called the Mind of a Child, we call the parent who is more Emotionally available, more Emotionally accessible and more Emotionally responsive to them the Prime Love Giver, or PLG.
We call the other parent, whom children find less Emotionally available, less Emotionally accessible or less Emotionally responsive to them the Additional Love Giver, or ALG.
N.B. Note that both parents play a vital role in the psychological development of every child. Note too that in this underworld of instincts and Emotions, gender or the sexual identity of each of two parents is NOT important, so that either a mother or a father can be the PLG or the ALG for the children.
Acting purely on Emotion and Instinct, within the first few months after a child is born into the family, this first child and the more LOVING parent, or PLG, are drawn together like magnets and become permanently Emotionally attached. So we can actually begin to represent this in a formula. So in a general sense we can begin to outline a social/Emotional formula that follows the Distribution Of Love in any Family.
We can represent these Emotional dynamics by drawing an Inner Circle of Love that consists of the PLG plus the first child. Surrounding this is an Outer Circle of Love that envelops the entire family and includes the Additional parent:
So with the beginning of any new family unit, two concentric circles are created. There is an Inner Circle that encloses the PLG and the first child and this is surrounded by an Outer Circle that encompasses all the 3 family members.
Emotionally speaking, the ALG or Additional Love-Giving parent has a very different style of parenting. This parent differs significantly both in their own character and temperament, and in their parenting style from the PLG or Prime Love-Giving parent. This Additional parent can parent in one of two ways. They can either be described as (a) a person who is more organized, disciplinarian, socially conscientious and driven by reality, OR (b) a person who is more detached, inaccessible and Emotionally distant.
This division between PLG and ALG roles may sound bizarre to us at first since it has never before been uncovered. You can best understand it by thinking about the PLG and the ALG in your own Family of Origin with your parents and siblings. Was your mother or your father the more attachable, LOVE-providing parent? Try to search your mind and your heart to find the Emotional basis on which you feel this division is right. You might easily assume that your mother was your Prime Love Giver because of the female functions of childbirth and breastfeeding, or because she spent more time at home with the children. Yet as you search your soul, you may soon discover that your father was actually more LOVING than your mother and that you felt more warmth from him.
Or, if you have a Family of Procreation with your spouse and children, think about which one – yourself and your spouse – is the PLG with the more easy-going, Emotionally tolerant personality, and the one who has the greater Emotional affinity from your children’s point of view. Then think about which parent is more strict, reality-minded, socially-minded and is less Emotionally available? If you fail in this making this differentiation at first, try again later or ask your siblings, partner, relatives or friends for help. Overall, observation dictates that the chances that either a father or a mother is the PLG or ALG in any family is about 50-50. In other words, 50% of families have their mothers as PLG’s, while 50% of families have their fathers as PLG’s.
The role of the ALG or Additional parent is that they supply 3 vital feelings to the family atmosphere: Support, Stability and Security. Like the invisible aura of LOVE that emanates from the PLG, these 3 vital feelings silently flow out from the ALG and infiltrate the family unit. The ALG creates the important Outer Circle of Love that has the critical function of binding all the family members together socially. For the children and in the Mind of a Child, this Outer Circle of Love provides a group feeling. Their attachment to the ALG gives them a sense of cohesion and personal pride in their family group that draws them into the family fold on a social level. It is an elusive feeling of social acceptance and comfort that, while difficult to define exactly, is very real and very vital to the Mind of a Child. As adults using our Adult Mind, we refer to this elusive, socially-based feeling that emanates from the ALG as a sense of ‘belonging’. This sense of belonging is actually the secret ingredient that prevents children from becoming defiant or showing ANGER-based reactions such as rebellion, oppositionalism or defiance toward their family and the broader society around them. When a child lacks a sense of belonging we can expect their to be fraught with (a) ANGER combined as always with ANXIETY. Their ANGER-based reactions might show up not only as rebellion or alienation within the family, but also through substance abuse, non-conformism, participation in gang activity, criminal behavior and more.
Another reaction to feelings of lack of belonging, rather than Anger, are feelings of Depression. Feelings of lack of belonging to the family fold can also result in (b) DEPRESSION combined as always with ANXIETY. As an alternative to ANGRY reactions, the negative outcomes from a sense of NOT being welcome in the family fold and NOT being appreciated as an integral member of the Family of Origin might result in Depression-based behaviors that are, like Anger-based reactions, also a form of defiance and sourced from the same base of ANGRY feelings. However, in this case the ANGER is turned against the SELF. These same negative feelings are expressed inwardly in ways that target the SELF rather than the outside world, resulting in Depressive behaviors such as: lack of motivation, social withdrawal, mental/emotional disorders such as clinical depression, self-isolation, crying or suicide. Finally, the behaviors we see in reaction to discontent with their sense of belonging to the Family of Origin group can also be (c) pure ANXIETY-based behaviors such as ADHD, OCD or phobias. (Continued in Phase 2 below)
After a year or two have passed, family relationships become settled. The PLG and Child 1 engage in a LOVING relationship inside their Inner Circle of Love, while the Outer Circle of Love includes the ALG who provides feelings of Support, Stability and Security to the family. Over time, this style of interaction becomes entrenched in the hearts, minds and daily routines of the three new family members, Mother, Father and Child 1. But sooner or later a second child is born! (If no new child is added, the family’s dynamics remain constant.)
From the moment that Child 2 arrives on the scene, the two sibling’s instincts kick into full gear. Each one immediately perceives the other as a rival for the same precious POT of LOVE supplied by the already established PLG. We call this competitive behavior SIBLING RIVALRY and note that:
- SIBLING RIVALRY is a desperate instinct-driven fight for self-preservation
- SIBLING RIVALRY is the effort to WIN and HOG ALL the LOVE of the PLG
- SIBLING RIVALRY is All-or-Nothing, so that sharing that LOVE is impossible
- SIBLINGS engaged in RIVALRY see each other as equals and are blind to the differences between them such as age, sex or disability
- SIBLING RIVALRY cannot be avoided regardless of parents’ efforts to prepare a child for the birth of a sibling, warn one child NOT to hurt the other, or punish one of the children
- SIBLING RIVALRY is a territorial instinct that can cause rivals to fight to the death
The family setting with the first two siblings is a wildly impassioned context. The 3 negative feelings of ANGER, DEPRESSION and ANXIETY are aroused and maximized in BOTH children from the first sight of each other. In their Mind of a Child, for the siblings, it is mortal war. It is the beginning of the SIBLING RIVALRY that is every child’s instinct-driven struggle to HOG and WIN every bit of the available POT of LOVE. The goal of the SIBLING RIVALRY is to gain every bit of ATTENTION and EMOTIONAL COMMITTMENT from their PRIME LOVE GIVING parent to the utter exclusion and destruction of their next born sibling. And these feelings will last for their lifetime.
As indicated in the diagram below, in its early stages we can consider that Favoritism has not yet become solidified or formally taken place inside the Family of Origin, so that either child can still become the Favored or Disfavored one:
These intense, long-lasting reactions of children engaged in a SIBLING RIVALRY war may seem wildly excessive – even ludicrous to us. We, as parents and adults who are governed by our Intellectual rather than Emotional faculties, are usually treating the siblings fairly by our logical, adult standards. But just as salmon instinctively strive to swim upstream under threat of death, or bees may die to protect their queen, in the minds of infants, toddlers, teenagers or immature adults, these rivalrous feelings with the opponent sibling, being instinctual and fixed in the psyche of every human being, are desperate, vital and all-consuming. As a result we should know that, even though it may be completely hidden from our view and even though we may be loathe to acknowledge it, the undercurrent and atmosphere of SIBLING RIVALRY in every new home with 2 children must of necessity at ALL times be characterized as frenzied, furious and frantic.
Up to this point we have established that the first two children are behaving according to their instincts, Emotion-driven thoughts and the limited, primitive reasoning that confines them to their Mind of a Child. They are both consumed by their immature perceptions and desperate feeling of compulsion to HOG and WIN ALL the available parental LOVE and bump out their sibling. So engaged in their bitter SIBLING WAR, they are both constantly subject to the full forces of ANXIETY and DEPRESSION, but mostly beset by ANGER.
Now these feelings will persist until A WINNER IS DECLARED!
How is a WINNER to be chosen? Well, caught in the midst of this Emotional turmoil and helpless to resist the pressures of their instincts, like opposing magnets, these first two siblings begin to find ways to distance and differentiate themselves from each other. Out of desperation to please those around them, mainly their PLG, and driven to carve out a space for themselves as separate and distinct from their sibling, they begin to oppose each other in every imaginable way – mentally, physically, intellectually, emotionally, behaviorally, socially, and more.
We can refer to this behavior as the INSTINCT TO BE OPPOSITE.
The prevailing mood is all-out WAR. And it involves far more than the mere behaviors of FIGHTING, REBELLION, WITHDRAWAL or ANXIETY we might see from the outside. On the inside, DOLF informs us that each child, besides their Emotional disturbance from their sibling, actually deeply and vitally feels repulsed by this other person and desperately seeks to be different in any possible way.
SIBLING RIVALRY, like a disease of ANGER, ANXIETY, bitterness and opposition, infiltrates, and invades ALL the Emotional and Intellectual functions of both children. It is a compulsion that will end up pushing their entire personalities and behavior to opposite extremes. With time and age, SIBLING RIVALRY and its 3 associated negative feelings of Anxiety, Depression and Anger, will control and shape ALL areas of each child’s SELF, leaving NO aspect of functioning unaffected. The behavioral manifestations of these 3 feelings may or may not be visible to us as observers, as in seeing them arguing or fighting. But their underlying ANGER, HOSTILITY and desire to carve a special path for themselves alone will ultimately become entrenched, solidify, and supply the foundation for each one’s unique feelings, behavior, attitudes, thinking, personal identity and style of being. In short, the entire personality structure and behavioral expressions of BOTH siblings will be built around their determination to be opposite to each other.
Fueled by this ANGRY energy and a deeply entrenched instinctual drive toward SIBLING RIVALRY, the motivation to be separate and different from the sibling is secretly acted out in an endless variety of ways – some that may be obvious to us, but most of which are hidden. This ANGER can reveal itself in any or all of the following ways: (a) open physical or verbal aggression, such as arguing, hitting or fighting, (b) underhanded attacks such as teasing, tormenting, accusing, lying, bossing or tattle-tailing, or (c) attention-seeking behaviors such as tantrums, crying, defiance, non-conformity or outright rebellion.
The end result is that the first two siblings will feed their instincts by adopting opposing interests and personality traits that fall more or less along the introversion/extroversion spectrum, such as: one who is quiet and subdued versus the other, who is noisy and boisterous; one who is withdrawn and reclusive versus the other who is socially outgoing and gregarious; one who is a high achiever in academic, physical or monetary pursuits versus one who shows little interest in achievement, social advancement or interest in monetary gain; one who is compliant and conformist versus the other who aggressively and vocally opposes our social norms or laws – and much more.
These opposite personality and behavioral traits become increasingly ingrained as time and age accrue. They are actually territorial markers upon which the rival child is forbidden from encroaching. It is a secret, underground, Emotionally-fixed pact that says: See? I’m like THIS, so YOU be like THAT!
Over time, the siblings begin to diverge in every possible conceivable way. On a practical level we are astonished and puzzled by the contrast between them. How did this happen when we raised them both the same way, and especially if they are identical twins? We scratch our heads in wonderment at their differences as their personalities emerge with age, but yet it all seems to come about so very secretly, and “naturally”. If one likes meat, strangely, the other becomes disgusted by meat and begins to prefer fruits and vegetables; if one is a loner and resists social involvement, the other socializes easily and has many friends; if one is active and curious, the other is quiet, subdued, compliant and passive; if one takes up music, surprisingly, the other finds another specialty such as sports or computers interesting and challenging; if one frowns, whines, is demanding and perpetually in a bad mood, the other smiles, is easy-going, presents little opposition to caregivers and has an agreeable disposition; if one is dependent and clings to home and family, the other becomes independent, adventurous and easily wanders away to explore (often observed in very small children); if one seeks out, cherishes, collects or hoards material possessions such as money, toys or clothing, we find the other is easily satisfied with whatever we offer; if one is a high achiever in school, the other has no interest in academics but works with their hands, and so on. Our only guarantee is that the first two children in any family, even identical twins, will NEVER, EVER BE THE SAME! In fact it is entirely predictable that siblings will ALWAYS choose at least different, or even opposite paths to develop their personalities and behavioral styles. On rare occasions we find that the siblings or twins take up the same pursuit. Examples of this include advice columnists Dear Abby and Dear Ann who were identical twins and pursued the same careers, or Olympic skier Nancy Greene and her older sister who also won awards in skiing. However as Nancy Greene admitted, this is always done with the sole fundamental intent of beating out their opponent sibling.
In the end, the common outcome is that one sibling chooses a particular course of behavior, personal style and interests, while the other makes sure to follow a completely separate track in life. The blog on WHAT people WANT and WHAT they LIKE, or WHY they WANT or “choose” to do WHAT they do, explains more about the reasons behind these preferences. As outsiders, we ask ourselves: WHY should the behavior patterns and interests of these neighboring siblings be so diametrically opposed to each other, when we are treating them all the same way? We may believe the cause is their DNA, genes or heredity, or that we are the only ones who suffer the dismal fate of having two children, perhaps even identical twins, who are so different and constantly at WAR with each other. A common excuse is “This one is like me, and the other one is like my spouse – a perfect split in our home!” Still though, nothing could be farther from the truth.
So, slowly but surely, through the Instinct to be Opposite and the processes of Sibling Opposition and differentiation, one sibling, whether the older or younger, assumes a kinder, more gentle nature, one that is easier for parents to raise and handle. This behavioral path appeals to parents and society.
And, because of our attitudes and especially the response of the PLG by treating one child more positively and favorably, their struggle ends in THEIR PARENTS (as well as most social contacts) INVESTING MORE POSITIVE ENERGY AND LOVE INTO THIS CHILD than the adjacent sibling!
The positive attention invested in this Favored child, as well as the LOVE that is attracted by the child her/himself, especially from the Prime Love Giver or PLG, gradually characterizes this child as sweet-tempered, well-behaved and unchallenging for those who car for them. This in turn works its magic to make the Favored child more docile and even more lovable to parents and others than their opposing less Favored or Disfavored sibling.
The self-fulfilling prophecy and a self-perpetuating cycle goes like this: The more socially amenable the child, the more likeable they are to us, the more LOVE they glean from their PLG, the more satisfied and secure they become, and the more compliant they turn out to be as people, children and adults. Positive and socially desirable character traits and behaviors become imprinted into the personality and behavior of a typical child who is FAVORED. This sibling grows up to be a socially likeable, law-abiding and admirable citizen of society.
The other sibling, in seeking to be different through their Instinct to be Opposite, then finds no choice but to be relegated to behaving in socially less desirable ways, and eventually assuming the DISFAVORED position. This is especially true in regard to their relationship with their Prime Love-Giving parent. Equally abiding by their undeclared Emotional basis of SIBLING RIVALRY, this child may develop mentally, socially and emotionally in either of two directions, leaning toward one side of the Anger-Depression continuum, with Anxiety naturally associated with both of these two painful Emotions. On the Anger side, they may become tough, aggressive, cold, self-interested and lacking in consideration of others. These are the negative character traits and behaviors that become imprinted into the lifestyle of a typical DISFAVORED person. Alternatively, they may become more Depressive and withdrawn, or more Anxiety-ridden and difficult to calm. Both as a child and as an adult, individuals with these types of undesirable behaviors patterns have LESS appeal to parents and conventional society.
The reason we wonder how they became this way is that unfortunately, we are tragically unaware of the SIBLING RIVALRY roots that determine our children’s personalities and behavior patterns. We are equally oblivious to the fact that this is exactly how EVERY NORMAL FAMILY, EVERY NORMAL HUMAN BEING and EVERY NORMAL SIBLING MUST FUNCTION. As as society and through our current psychological teachings, we do not realize that children live within the confines of their Mind of a Child where they are blinded by their instinctive search for LOVE. Most critically too, we are oblivious to our own Favoritism dynamic that underlies and contributes vitally to the entire process of formation of their personalities and behavioral patterns. One long-term tragic consequence is that the perpetual cycle of opposition between our children, this apparent child-vs.-child conflict we dismiss as simple SIBLING RIVALRY, besides sadly extending into their adulthood, broadens to create parent-vs.-child conflict. Bewildered as they are, parents too often become divided in their own allegiances. It may result in ‘losing’ a child to family strife, tolerating the conflict of their adult children, or their own parent-vs.-parent conflict that may ultimately spur divorce. The discomfort has no end since the siblings’ opposition inevitably bleeds into the family atmosphere, disrupts it and leaves behind differences that are never resolved.
With the help of DOLF we now become informed that this differentiation of personalities among adjacent siblings is a universal phenomenon, and that ALL “normal” families are subject to this same destructive force among their children. However, we are also pleased to discover that it is, in fact, reversible if parents, especially the PLG, follow DOLF admonishing to change their attitudes and direct more LOVE toward their Disfavored child.
Another advantage of DOLF is that, once recognized as the traits of adults who were Disfavored as children, the Anger-inspired personal traits of the Disfavored individual can be put to good use in adulthood because of their inherent competitive spirit, interest in accumulating money, shrewd business sense and social-manipulative skills. Alternatively, we find that Disfavored people tend to gravitate toward other problematic behaviors that are also expressive of Anger, but directed more openly at others, such as rebellion, argumentativeness, oppositionalism or criminal behavior. If the Disfavored individual leans toward the Depression side of the Anger-Depression continuum, which is in essence Anger turned inward against the SELF, they may display self-destructive behavior such as mental illness, substance abuse or suicide. If Anxiety is chosen as the modality for outlet, behavior can also be directed inward against the SELF to give rise to mental problems such as OCD. It is of note that these latter traits, that are typically more characteristic of Disfavored individuals, are less socially desirable both in children and adults.
Always note that, in a two-child family, either child, whether the one born first or second, can grow up to be the Favored one with the socially positive personality traits and behavior, or the Disfavored one with the negative disposition that will entail far more Anxiety, Depression and Anger than their Favored sibling. (For explanations of later children see the blog title: The Rest of the Sibline)
………….Continued in Phase 4)
In DOLF psychology instinctual SIBLING RIVALRY and parental Favoritism give rise to divergence in personality and behavior among adjacent siblings. But exactly HOW does this come about?
It is well understood that all parents have the best intentions to raise their children so they can be proud of them. If their first child is well behaved and has a pleasant temperament, the parents, having little experience with raising children, naturally expect their second child to behave more or less the same way, or even better. On the other hand, if the first child was rambunctious, whiny or otherwise difficult, they hope the second one will be calmer and easier to manage. Whatever their hopes, THEY ARE TAKEN ENTIRELY BY SURPRISE! For it seems that as soon as the second child is born, from the first sight of each other, both children start to demonstrate not only OPPOSITE behavioral characteristics, but also animosity toward each other! DOLF informs parents that they should anticipate their children’s personalities and behavior patterns. That is, if their first experience was positive, the second will be negative, and conversely, if their first experience was negative, the second one will be positive!
At this point, noting the differences in their children’s temperaments, parents spontaneously and with little or no awareness, use their logical Adult Mind to compare the behavior of one child with the other. In so doing they unwittingly become subject to a host of reactions and Emotions that challenge their logic. They think: How come one of our children is so well behaved and makes us so happy, while the other is so hard to handle? Why does this child make our lives so difficult when they come from the same gene pool and we’re raising them both the same way? Most critically, if their first child behaved well they think: Why can’t the second child just be the same as their sibling? Their pride and self respect come into play because they of course hope to raise the best possible children who will make them proud of their achievements as parents and people in society. Their sense of social propriety is solicited too: How come this child doesn’t embarrass us in public, but the other one never stops being loud, whining, instigating fights, having temper tantrums, etc.? They reference their need for peace and calm in the household: Why is this child so disruptive, when our other one sits by calmly and lets us enjoy a family meal? They recall their own backgrounds and early lives: This child is so aggressive. So with fear and dread they ask themselves: Can s/he be just like my father who abused our mother? Am I to relive my horrid past now through this child? Or: Does my unruly child “take after” my aggressive and belligerent sibling/spouse/uncle/aunt/grandparent, etc.? Most pressingly: Is it dictated in their genes and unfixable!?
The values that parents desire in their children are those that suit adults, make them comfortable and proud. Their “bad” child routinely disrupts the family and behaves in ways that render them socially abashed and personally upset with the family life they are trying so hard to build. Living in their Adult Mind, parents are equally astounded by the displays of desirable behavior by their Favored child as the negative behavior of their Disfavored one. From their vantage point they see that each sibling’s personality traits seem to be taking shape naturally, spontaneously, and without their provocation. They find they have done nothing different to coddle one or antagonize the other, and feel justified that they discipline each one fairly when necessary. Drawing on their personal experiences and need to make sense of their situation, they conclude that their well behaved child is somehow endowed with positive heredity, while the bad child is stubborn and antagonistic because of bad genes. At best they convince themselves that they have the misfortune of being the parents of two children who are “very, very different”!
But it is in fact nature’s trick!
Little do parents suspect that their children were programmed from birth to turn out opposite, and that we humans are charged with coping with their differences! And so over time and experience the parents, especially the PLG, fall further and further OUT OF LOVE with the poorly behaved child, and ever further IN LOVE with the well behaved one! All the while too, the children become more and more committed and entrenched in their own chosen styles of behavior and character traits, which become solidified and end up identifying them, both to themselves and others. And in this way, family relationships soon fall into place!
On a psychological level, the unfortunate result of this charade is that parents end up INVESTING MORE POSITIVE EMOTIONAL ENERGY or LOVE into their “good’ child.
That is, this more compliant child becomes increasingly rewarded for their good behavior, and begins to feel in reality, MORE LOVED and FAVORED by her/his parents in comparison with their sibling. They also fit in better socially and get along well with surrounding persons. such as friends, relatives and teachers. So these Emotional bonds, especially between the PLG and the Favored child become ever tighter, and the associated character traits even more deeply ingrained.
The adjacent sibling, egged on by their undying instinct to be opposite, retains their negative behavioral path, becomes ever more distanced from the LOVE connection with the PLG and ever more marginalized on a social level. Naturally this child’s behavior is challenging and upsetting, and over time puts this sibling on an unsavory road toward garnering increasingly LESS LOVE, less Emotional investment from the parents and gradual DISFAVOR compared with their well-behaved, cooperative Favored sibling next door. And so the vicious cycle persists and perpetuates itself!
The long range problem is that the negative sibling becomes stuck in their negative path. Determined to be opposite, the unfortunate Disfavored sibling has little “choice” of how to behave, and is now chronically subject to any and all the negative Emotions of Anxiety, Depression and Anger. It would seem to us that this child is simply endowed with “bad genes”, but nothing could be farther from the truth. How do we know this? Because the pattern of divergent personalities in the first two siblings is entirely predictable and universal and the pattern of one Favored and one Disfavored child is reliably repeated in every 4-person family – a statistical impossibility! Remember too that each child, BOTH the Favored and Disfavored siblings are still always repulsed by each other, and committed to the ways and belief systems they have built over time, so that once the roles are decided and established, there is little room for movement by either one.
Negative Emotions are expressed through negative behaviors. So we refer to the see-saw effect of Anger and Depression, where if Anger goes up Depression goes down, and vice versa. On the Angry side of the spectrum we find that the Disfavored child has temper tantrums, acts up and rebels or fights with parents, siblings and others. On the Depressive side they may hurt themselves, withdraw, whine, cry or self-isolate. If pure Anxiety is expressed, we may observe that they are nervous, agitated, worry, bother others, bite their nails or develop obsessive or phobic behaviors. All these activities create tension in the home and are precisely the ones that clash most with adult personal and social preferences. The Disfavored child “pushes our buttons” and causes parents and others to seethe with their own Anger and frustration in response! We grit our teeth and fume, and before long our Disfavored child becomes the object of discomfort, blame, tension and even avoidance, both inside the family and in most social settings. Ultimately, they are the recipient of LESS LOVE and increased DISFAVOR, especially when compared with their well-behaved adjacent sibling.
From the parents’ side, we are unfortunately guilty of falling prey to their trap of soliciting Favoritism. Parents naturally feel they should be aligned with the Favored child who is pursuing the positive behavioral road since, as adults, they prefer socially compliant behavior. This makes our Favored child happy and contented with whatever we offer. They seem smart, listen to instructions, smile, are in a good mood and never question our authority. But at the same time it puts our Disfavored child in the awkward position of having to be unpleasant in order to oppose their sibling and grasp our attention – behavior that makes us respond with Anger. To us they seem unreasonable, stubborn and impenetrable!
In one sense, DOLF places much of the blame for behavioral outcomes in children on their parents because of parents’ preferences in LOVING one child who complies with their wishes and social desires, and discriminating the other through unwitting comparison. But consider too that DOLF empowers parents. It advises them about how to change their Disfavored child’s behavior by adjusting or curbing their own powerful inner current of LOVE or Favoritism that is responsible for generating the behavior. DOLF provides new knowledge that the behavior of a problem child can be quickly and sharply improved by re-directing some of the PLG’s LOVE and empathy toward the Disfavored sibling, and convincing themselves to LOVE this child with the same fervor as their Favored one!!
The entire process is highly subtle, unspoken and taboo. DOLF tells us that children continually try to court and charm their PLG into LOVING them more than their rival sibling by tricking them into preferring their style of behavior, either positive or negative. Parents though, lacking knowledge about this underground WAR and frivolously labelling the behavior “normal SIBLING RIVALRY”, never fail to oblige by falling head over heels into the trap set by the children of Favoring and praising one child, and punishing the other and liking them less, all the while fully believing they are doing “the right thing“! Unfortunately, this attitude has been promoted and exacerbated by Behavioral psychology, which only follows our natural and religiously inspired urges to reward good behavior and punish bad. These attitudes are further encouraged by conferring professional-sounding titles to these methods such as “Time Out”, “Tough Love”, “Interventions” or “Boot Camp”.
As they grow older, the child who happens to embark on the “right” or positive path becomes increasingly invested in developing a personality and style of life that is gentle, even-tempered and warm-hearted, with behavior and interactions that are socially compliant and pleasing. This now Favored child, whose motivation for their personality and behavioral style looks like it was genetically imprinted, really developed their behavioral path both randomly and deliberately with exactly the same primary purpose as their negatively-behaved sibling! The purpose of both the positive and the negative styles of behavior was merely to try to ATTRACT, WIN and HOG ALL the available LOVE and ATTENTION from their Prime Love Giving parent, and at the same time be opposite to their sibling! Now, because their Favored style of behavior happens to appeal to their PLG, as it does to all adults, and by virtue of the close relationship they enjoy with their PLG, coddled and secure as they are in their Inner Circle of Love, the compliant child not only ends up Favored, but ultimately WINS THE WAR by becoming a more gentle, socially desirable citizen!
The other child, whether older or younger, whose personality and behavioral characteristics, for whatever reasons, took the negative path, on sensing their LOSS of the portion of LOVE offered by their PLG, now becomes riddled with the 3 negative Emotions of Anxiety, Depression and Anger. However again, shocking as it may seem to us, observation and long-term study confirms that this Disfavored child is, exactly like their gentle neighboring sibling, subject to the same instinct to oppose their sibling. Like their sibling, they are immersed in the same desperate struggle and are trying to ATTRACT, WIN and HOG the same POT of LOVE and ATTENTION from their PLG. It means that this child behaves negatively with exactly the same goal as their Favored sibling! And although we might consider the behavior of the Disfavored child to be misguided or even stupid, we should learn that within the context of their Mind of a Child that is lacking in logic, they have NO capacity for scrutinizing the social situation around them or knowing what is expected of them! We must not forget that all this occurs between two children with burning Sibling Rivalry instincts who are immersed in their Mind of a Child and poised to WIN LOVE by all means possible in their competition to please the same PLG. It is a failure of logic and social reasoning power. Ironically then, behavior which for us as adults would seem normal, is not at all so for a child, but is understood in a totally different context! Whether the specific style or type of negative behavior chosen is rebellion, depression, high anxiety, mental illness, substance abuse or other undesirable actions, the goal of the Disfavored child remains the same as that of the Favored one: (A) to please and WIN over their PLG, and at the same time (B) design their personality to be diametrically opposed to their Favored sibling. Naturally, unfortunately for the Disfavored child, this type of behavior is usually exactly what parents and society dread most and disapprove of, and in the end the behavior pattern they establish by adulthood can be highly damaging to the person themselves!
So it is that authority figures must believe that the negative style of behavior displayed by a Disfavored child comes from exactly the same source of primitive drives and desires as the Favored child, and has exactly the same GOOD intentions or motives behind it! That is, in the course of real, everyday life, this negative, Disfavored child, by using distasteful behavior is, in exactly the same way as their Favored sibling, actually trying their best to ATTRACT and somehow WIN the LOVE and ATTENTION of their PLG in order to bump out their rival sibling! However, in order to obey their commanding instinct to be opposite, they must search for ways to accomplish their goal somehow without copying their sibling’s style of behaving that consists of being nice, compliant and conformist. (Read more in the blog titled: How Siblings Really Feel Toward Each Other.) Warped as it may sound, the entire performance of both children is part of their endless SIBLING WAR and has very little, if anything, to do with our logical reality and daily lives! However, the tragedy of course for the Disfavored child is that not only are they are NOT succeeding at WINNING the battle with their negative tactics, but they are also forced to suffer the consequences we impose on them!
DOLF Theory is the product of long term observational study and its findings are currently unknown in psychology. This is likely because the ideas are foreign to adults. They represent a significant departure from the common belief in Behavioral strategies and “spare the rod and spoil the child” religious attitudes. These methods advocate reward-and-punishment methods that work well for animals, but are inappropriate for humans. The lack of earlier discovery of this new branch of psychology can also be attributed to its elusive, intangible Emotional theme that follows the Mind of a Child, whereas we adults are accustomed to thinking in hardcore, rational, reality-based Intellectual terms. Some may say there is insufficient research behind the DOLF method, but its presentation here can be compared to a criminal case that is brought to court when there is no body, no fingerprints and no DNA. Yet the case must still come to court with the support of circumstantial evidence alone!
The problems we face with our children today and with the proliferation of mental illnesses are more pressing and momentous than the need to debate the supremacy of theories. Besides, the changes that come about in children with the use of DOLF are stark, immediate, and too obvious to ignore. It is urgent then, for the sake of understanding the dynamics behind child psychology, mental problems and treatment at all ages, that we try our best to grasp these new concepts. Of course, there is nothing to prevent systematic research from being carried out from now on, but a project such as this is far too great to be completed in one lifetime and by a single individual such as its author.