• ABOUT DR.VERA RABIE •
I earned my B.A. from McGill University, and Doctor of Psychology degree from the University of Montreal. I later worked in long and short term mental health institutions, adult corrections, youth corrections, education, employee assistance and private practice.
But my most productive years were the ones I spent at home when I had a chance to closely observe the growth and development of my two daughters. I soon began to question the validity of the two best known psychological theories: Freudian Psychoanalysis, and Cognitive Behavioral Theory (CBT). I was astounded at how unrealistic both theories were, but soon realized that Behavioral Theory began by observing animals, while Freudian Theory had begun by observing the mentally ill. Unlike the other theories, I based mine on actual observations of interactions among real people in real families. Could it be that our scientific methods have failed us, or missed such an important chapter of developmental psychology?
It didn’t take long to conclude that something was seriously amiss when it came to real life! After intensely observing my children’s behavior, listening to their complaints, watching them at play and contemplating their Emotional states, I suddenly discovered a subtle, unknown mental-Emotional realm, and called it the Mind of a Child.
I was surprised to find that this Mind of a Child is a world of raw Emotion and pure Instinct that ALL children occupy at ALL times. Note that they are NOT occupied by this realm in their minds, but actually live inside it. In other words, it’s NOT an imaginary world. And because children really live inside their Mind of a Child, they DO NOT live with us in our Adult world in the same way we do, or in the way we believe they do. However, adults not only have no knowledge or insight into this other world of children, but in fact are inclined to reject the idea that such a realm exists. It is an alternate world that adults find not only unbelievable, but even threatening or offensive. Yet the irony is that adults should know about this other world because we were ALL once children! WHERE then did the memories of this mysterious domain go, and WHY are they all lost by adulthood? So I combined my observations with my education and professional experience, and pioneered an entirely new theory of human mental-Emotional development.
From case studies gathered over 40+ years, a new theory about the Distribution Of Love In Families or DOLIF, slowly emerged. In this theory the operative word is LOVE – more specifically parental LOVE. It is the first psychological theory that takes account of the hidden dimension called the Mind of a Child and, in congruence with this Mind of a Child, is built around the shocking factor of parental Favoritism. I found that Favoritism is a LOVE force that parents absolutely feel toward their children, but staunchly refuse to confront. And although it conjures up extreme objections, I felt compelled to investigate parent-to-child Favoritism and the Sibling Rivalry or Sibling Wars that children instinctively conduct over the LOVE of their parents. For as we might have anticipated, Favoritism is always inextricably linked with Sibling Rivalry.
The test sample quickly spread from my home, through relatives, friends, colleagues and patients. It then expanded to cover historical and biographical accounts in every aspect and walk of life. To my astonishment I could find Favoritism and associated Sibling Rivalry everywhere I looked, such as in the arts, literature and movies, some of which are described in the blogs.
To be honest, at first I felt protective of my new discoveries. Yet I found that, despite its unmistakable validity both when I observed and applied it, DOLIF Theory is so upsetting to most people that they argue relentlessly against it. “Where’s your research?” they aggressively demand. Parents object strenuously to the mention of Favoritism, which no doubt insults them and makes them feel Angry, Shameful and Guilty. Educators and mental health professionals find it disrupts their long held belief in Cognitive Behavioral Theory (CBT) or Freudianism that have swept psychology and pedagogy for the last century. The most likely reason that people believe in CBT is because punishing children for bad behavior fits neatly into our very human tendency to feel the need to discipline children for bad behavior. We are inclined to punish our children automatically out of Anger, without the need for approval from CBT specialists. CBT only reinforces and justifies this Anger, even though there is no other known creature in the animal kingdom that does the same. Religion too supports this punishing attitude. Society in general too repels DOLIF theory because of the emphasis on rivalry, competition, jealousy and envy among human beings – feelings that are associated with negative Emotions that we find hard to accept in ourselves and others. Socially speaking, there is the fear of noxious sinister forces, such as bad luck or evil eyes. Finally, people in the Western world are more recently steeped in their belief that genetics and DNA are responsible for the differences in their children. “He’s just like his father with his quick temper”, or “See? She’s just like me – that’s why we get along (or not)!”
Besides the proof of my concepts in the blogs and case studies, another response to objections to my empirical approach is that I’m NOT the creator of the rules of DOLIF theory, which are fixed, permanent, have never changed and will never change throughout the course of time or the existence of the human race. Rather I am merely the observer and reporter of the phenomenon. And since I am absolutely positive about the validity of DOLIF but cannot hope to disseminate it conclusively within my lifetime, I have made it my goal to merely offer it as a theory at this point in time, and leave it for others to prove or disprove.
MY STORY
The study of psychology and the development of DOLF theory represents my life work. On graduating from university, even after having just one child, I realized there was a huge chasm between my expectations in raising children as a highly trained professional psychologist, and the shock of actually dealing with my first child. Who would be capable of raising a child better than I? Was I not equipped with the ultimate tools to do the job perfectly? From my Freudian background I had learned that a female child should fall head over heels in love with her father in the throws of an “Electra complex”, as well as take a great interest in discovering her lower parts. But where was that expert Freud when I needed him? Not only did my daughter not show the least interest in her father, she also showed no interest whatsoever in her lower anatomy. If there was anything sexual to be found, it was her interest in fondling my breasts, which were, after all, her main source of nourishment!
Next my education had provided me with the tools of Behavior Theory (BT), the reward and punishment method that began with animals in the 60’s with Pavlov, Skinner and their dogs and rats. BT later progressed to being applied to children in the 70’s and ’80’s, when parents tried to train their children through operant conditioning. To this end they exposed their children in utero exposure to classical music and story telling, and after birth attempted early learning with infants using flash cards. From the 1990’s to now, Behavioral Theory continued to develop and the “Cognitive” tag was added to the original title, making it Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), most likely in an effort to encompass the attempt to apply it to adults. However, after a few trials in “training” my daughter out of her babyish behaviors and getting a good laugh when she taunted me to punish her, I began to realize I was more the fool than she!