A young man of 19 years came to see me because he was drinking too much and hanging out with friends who were a bad influence. He was tall, thin and pale and he mainly gazed downward. His parents had divorced and his father had moved out of the home about 8 months prior, so he was living with his mother and younger sister. He had a part time job as a sales clerk and was well liked by his boss, but the money he was making was not sufficient to support his expenses, and he had borrowed money from his mother which he didn’t know how he could pay back. His high school grades were falling, and he had doubts that he could accomplish his goal of getting to university. He did not keep a regular schedule of sessions with me, but attended intermittently five times over a period of about two months.
In the first two sessions we discussed his home situation, school, friends and family. He mentioned he had a group of “straight” friends who were in university, were serious about their studies and did not indulge in drugs. He also had another group of friends in his current high school who were not academically minded and accustomed to smoking marijuana. He said he felt very depressed and discouraged about his prospects for the future, especially reaching university, since his marks had fallen so far behind, and he was finding it difficult to focus his mind or direct his life.
I began treatment with the DOLF method of trying to find out which parent was his Prime Love Giver. He informed me that his father was a chemistry teacher and his mother was a receptionist at a dental office. He mentioned that his mother and little sister get along very well, talk a lot between themselves and often go shopping together, but that this left him feeling lonely and isolated. He added he doesn’t get along well with either of them and tries to keep busy rather than associate with them. On the other hand, he described his father as a compassionate, though somewhat gentle and possibly passive man, and remarked he spends longer than regular hours at work because he coaches team sports. When I asked how often he sees his father now, he related that, not having much money since the divorce, his father had moved to a basement apartment with little room to spare. He noted that when he and his sister would visit him, which was about once in two weeks, they could not sleep over since he didn’t have an extra bedroom.
My DOLF diagnosis of the family was as follows. In the first two sessions I gathered that: (A) father was the more gentle and approachable parent, the Prime Love Giver, while mother was more strict and demanding as the Additional Love Giving parent. I also deduced that (B) of the two children, this young man was the Favored child. I knew this because of his degree of sadness and distress at the loss of his PLG father, who was no longer as freely available to him. By comparison I noted that his relationship with his ALG mother was more strained, since he felt somewhat distant from her and was mainly worried about repaying his debt to her. From the point of view of his personality I could tell from observing his demeanor and overall ways of expressing himself that he was behaviorally gentle, soft and compliant, in accordance with standard Favored characteristics. At the same time he was rather Depressive, which also falls in line with the typically Favored character style of turning aggression inward against the self. To this was added the fact that his overall mood was sinking into a period of sadness and lesser productivity in reaction to the divorce as a result of missing and suffering from the LOSS of his father. Looking from his sister’s point of view, he had described her as having become better adjusted and happier now that the father was away, particularly in that she was getting along so well with her mother. I took this to mean that she had not been as contented while her father was around and had been experiencing Anger and Depression as the Disfavored child due to her lack of ability to solicit LOVE from their PLG father in comparison to her Favored brother. In fact, it seemed as though she was actually thriving in the absence of their father and becoming quite comfortable in her new-found closeness with their mother. This of course was a positive outcome for her, although it resulted in her older brother feeling isolated.
By the third session we were discussing ways he could find to reunite with his father. To this end I felt it necessary to try to soothe his feelings of abandonment by telling him I understand how sad he must be at the LOSS. I also attempted to explain the situation from his father’s point of view given the DOLF knowledge that children, especially in a highly Emotion-infused situation such as a divorce, do not have insight into their parents’ real struggles such as finances, antagonism with the spouse, sense of disgrace and social failure, attachments to past experiences and routines, longing for their children and equally deep sense of LOSS about giving up the home and family life they worked hard for, loneliness and isolation, loosening their relationships with their children, detaching themselves from social ties and routines and building new ones, having less financial resources, facing the stress of new legal conflicts, etc. Given this father’s more passive attitude as reported by his son, I surmised this father would not be the one to try to approach his children, but was probably overwhelmed by Emotions and duties, and perhaps even felt stymied or paralyzed since his divorce. I also reasoned that he could probably not afford to rent a more spacious property to accommodate his family, and perhaps needed some time to set himself on course financially. To this end | emphasized to my young client that I knew his father was longing to see his children, but probably first had his own sadness to deal with. I explained he faced the daunting task of resettling himself and regaining his financial and Emotional stability before he could comfortably accommodate his children. I also mentioned to him in passing that he and his father are most likely more Emotionally attached to each other than his sister with the father, and that this would be the reason why his sister is not as desperate to meet with their father as he is. In DOLF terms that follow the Mind of a Child, these latter points would be important to emphasize to this young man, and while they may not mean a great deal to us, the fact of plugging into his way of thinking and reinforcing his Emotional knowledge that he was indeed closer to his father than his sister, would mean a lot to him and enhance his road to recovery. Bringing these thoughts into conscious recognition would add a great deal to his Emotional healing.
In the final session this young man informed me he had made the effort to contact this father, who was very happy to hear from him. He and his sister had visited him and although he noted his father’s living space was indeed very limited, they had decided they could manage by taking turns visiting him and sleeping on the couch. The young man’s mood had improved significantly, so that he sometimes smiled, his mind was clearer so he could study more diligently, he was avoiding his delinquent friends and spoke about paying his mother back the money he owed.