THE PROBLEM WITH OFFERING CHIDREN A “CHOICE”
In the Family of Origin, the first family with our parents and siblings, there is an invisible world of conflict over LOVE. Children clearly sense this conflict over the LOVE that emanates from their parents. It is something they worry about ALL the time because they are pushed by their instincts to feel entitled to it. The overwhelming thought and fear that pervades the immature Mind of a Child every waking moment is: AM I GETTING MORE LOVE THAN MY NEXT BORN SIBLING, OR IS MY NEXT BORN SIBLING GETTING MORE LOVE THAN ME?
In the Mind of a Child the LOVE that exudes from parents is like precious gold dust. Imagine two or more siblings obsessed with watching and waiting for signs of this golden dust to fall, clamoring to gather and WIN it ALL, and worrying every moment that their sibling might seizing more of it. They continually respond to their instincts by relying on their inborn Emotional sensibilities to ‘sniff out’ this LOVE. They use all their strength and might to fight their opponent so they can hold on to it and savor it ALL for themselves alone at ALL times. It is the most important source of their sense of self identity and unfortunately the essence of what adults and society have dismissingly referred to as ‘normal’ SIBLING RIVALRY.
From an adult point of view, we consider our children’s constant competition and mutual resentment as simply a barrage of annoying interruptions. We find they fight for even the slightest advantage and we are astounded at their ferocity when they argue or hit each other. We easily disrespect their intentions when they carry on their desperate struggle, and when they even disregard obvious differences in their age, sex, ability or disability. Tough they may not fight in plain view, they constantly tease, taunt and belittle each other behind the scenes.
And while the children are so immersed and preoccupied with WINNING this haze of LOVE, parents, like all adults have not even the slightest inkling about this ongoing sibling battle. Busy as they are with their daily routines of work, finances, social obligations and such, parents can hardly believe that such a child-driven underworld exists. Their staunch disbelief in their children’s preoccupation is probably one good reason why the phenomenon has eluded us for so long. Yet we are well familiar with the disruption and miscommunication that this scenario creates. It is an atmosphere of continual disagreement and disparate feelings and opinions in a household of parents and small children under the same roof, one that is rife with misunderstanding in this tiny social microcosm we refer to as the nuclear family.
Now consider that the two parents are sincerely involved in providing abundant LOVE, but that the children, by instinct, always seek to respond with MORE Emotional attachment to one parent and LESS Emotional attachment to the other. As explained in other contexts, this is the standard Emotional division between all parents, where there is only one PLG and one ALG per nuclear family. DOLIF informs us that once children sense, smell or somehow identify the LOVE source in their family, they find this aura of LOVE irresistible, and proceed to become vitally Emotionally attached to the parent who provides it. (Kindly be reminded once again that, even though it may offend many a parent, this author is not to be resented for being the first to mention this division in parental roles, since she is only the observer of the phenomenon and not its creator.) From the moment that this lone prime Emotional parent or PLG is identified by the first child, all future siblings in the family will choose the same parent as PLG and become poised to do whatever it takes – sacrifice everything and literally move heaven and earth – to access the warmth and LOVE offered by this PLG parent, and have it directed toward themselves alone. This childish orientation means that they will adjust all their behavior and personality structure, acting in any bizarre way their little minds tell them to do – whether we like it or not, whether it is socially acceptable or not – just to lay claim to that LOVE, attention, warmth and humanity coming from that one parent for themselves alone.
We might say that their actions, behavior and expressions toward the outside world are our constant reminders that deep within themselves our children are always crying out “PLEASE LOVE ME – AND ONLY ME!” It turns out that for children, the PLG’s POT of LOVE is a holy grail which they instinctively seek from birth onward. If for any reason they DO NOT receive it, lose it or cease to retain it, DOLIF warns that they will lack, crave and feel cheated out of it for the remainder of their lives. Parents and educators must recognize that this LOVE is a life-rendering need. To lay claim to this parental LOVE, they will fight to the bitter end to HOG it ALL for themselves, sacrificing ALL their own and anyone else’s physical and Emotional health, strength and wellbeing just to attain this special, precious prize. It is a POT of LOVE that is owned and distributed exclusively by their very first, original PLG, a unique individual whom other persons or entities can NEVER replace. It is a lifelong, life-affirming attachment and every child feels alone in what they perceive as no less than a life-or-death contest – an actual struggle for survival.
With our knowledge of DOLIF however, we come to understand that in the long term, their true intentions and wish to annihilate each other are revealed by their opposing personalities. In other words, the polarity of their personalities gives us a window into how determined they are to be different from each other. Unfortunately for us however, since the drive itself comes from their basic inborn instinct there is nothing anyone can do to dissuade SIBLINGS from delving into their RIVALRY with their full strength in their effort to try to maintain their exclusivity. Parents will also be disappointed to learn that unfortunately, there can never be a complete or final resolution of the SIBLING RIVALRY crisis. So even though some relief may come through the DOLIF treatment method of changing the LOVE of the PLG to suit the Disfavored or disgruntled child, it is a daunting and complicated process that is never complete. The work of changing the LOVE of the PLG is discussed in greater detail in the treatment section of this website.
So what are the siblings’ motivations for being such hogs? Why can’t they just share the LOVE, as adults continually beg them to do? At the risk of repetition, the reason that children are so eager to HOG and WIN ALL that LOVE, to the detriment of their adjacent sibling, is simply because THEIR INSTINCTS COMMAND THEM TO DO SO. Bear in mind that, as DOLIF teaches us, unlike any other animal, every child on earth is created with fixed, immutable INSTINCTS that are exclusive to humans. One of these instincts commands them TO COMPETE TO PUSH OUT THEIR IMMEDIATE NEXT-BORN SIBLING FROM THE CIRCLE OF LOVE WITH THEIR PRIME LOVING PARENT. This is followed by their second compelling instinct: the INSTINCT TO BE OPPOSITE TO THEIR NEXT BORN SIBLING. These two inborn human instincts are as fundamental, yet logically nonsensical and devoid of reason as salmon swimming upstream to spawn! In DOLIF the two basic instincts – the Instinct toward exclusive attachment to one PLG and SIBLING RIVALRY to push out the opponent on the one hand, and the Instinct to be different from or Opposite to their sibling on the other hand, govern every child’s thoughts and behavior. Every human born to this earth is programmed to behave in exactly this same way, and this is the way that humankind has conducted itself since the beginning of time.
Now in order to satisfy their second instinct and distinguish themselves as different and independent from their sibling, they are driven to do things that are opposite to what their adjacent sibling “chooses” to do. This they do in order to attract attention onto themselves and away from their sibling. So, if their sibling moves quickly, they move slowly; if their sibling is verbal, they are quiet; if their sibling sleeps well, their sleep is disturbed, if their sibling is a crier and whiner, they are placid and compliant, and so on. Therefore, to follow their second instinct faithfully, they must “choose” courses of action and “choose” to pursue modes of behavior that are as different as possible from their sibling. And in fact if you think about it, the choices of how to behave are limited! Some may be what we consider socially “good” or desirable, while some may be “bad” or undesirable. But the separate personality traits that each sibling eventually “chooses” become increasingly pronounced over time, and eventually ingrained into their way of being or what we perceive as their “personality” and concommittant behavioral style.
Even when in reality I point out to parents the Instinct to attach themselves to one PLG and pursue SIBLING RIVALRY, show them that it is accompanied by opposing behavior and personality patterns and suggest that there is a link between these two sets of behaviors, they regularly balk, disagree and even snarl at me. Though they readily admit to these differences, they resist acknowledging that the disparities might be due to their children’s competitive frenzy for the LOVE of their prime parent. “That’s impossible!” they retort, “We treat our children all the same!” Entrenched in their own lives, biased, unaware and unsuspecting of the Emotional intensity of Sibling Rivalry, and the acute, bottomless energy that powers their children’s struggles, they continue to engage in senseless confrontations with their difficult child. Or, they may helplessly sit by and watch their children argue, fight bitterly, and end up draining a good deal of the mental, Emotional and physical energy of the entire family. Alternatively, if they see no overt verbal or physical fights occurring, they sit by and watch as one child routinely WINS the battle by acting according to the adults’ desires, while the other child systematically LOSES the battle and gradually, helplessly drifts into an increasing state of Anger and rebellion, and/or Depression and withdrawal, and/or becomes Anxiety-ridden. They may consult with uninformed experts, but on finding no recourse, reluctantly blame and accept their rotten fate, abdicate their responsibility, or decide to just sit by and let the problem unfold. Little do they realize that these same professionals are also themselves exasperated parents who are plagued with their own family and personal problems. Therapists, such as those who are celebrities or whom we routinely see giving advice, tend to paint a perfect picture of their own lives while making no admission of their own and their family’s serious plights and struggles. Like all of us, they encounter problems of rebellion, hyperactivity, drug abuse, mental illness, criminal behavior and even suicide. With the backing of “experts” who freely spread their “tips” and opinions about child-rearing in popular literature and on television, they chalk up the aberrant behavior and intimate problems in their families to bad genes, unlucky fate, blame their spouse or unruly child, or try to ignore it and get on with their lives. Tragically too, a great many couples blame each other for the family problems and strife and end up embroiled in divorce without even recognizing how this discord, which started with their children’s intense Sibling Rivalries and fight over essential LOVE, contributed to their family’s problems. This not to mention the upset and disappointment they will almost certainly face in their lifetimes with their wayward, less Favored child/ren and the guilt that will forever haunt them.
Sometimes there is no apparent disharmony among siblings. There may even be complete apparent harmony, which parents tend to gloat on. “No. This doesn’t happen in OUR family”. “No. OUR children don’t fight. They don’t even interfere with each other!” Yet every parent will readily agree that their children are “very, very different!”. Challenged about what they think caused the differences, they have few answers. They either deny that any problems exist or quote the standard reasons such as genetics, good or poor luck, family circumstances or various life events. If one child is a disappointment they often consider themselves lucky to have had at least one well-behaved one. They think “We can’t be such bad parents if we raised one good child. So the fault must must be with the other child.”
Yet based on my 45+ years of observation and study, I can see now that the DOLIF phenomenon was probably never discovered because the same professionals who studied hard to earn their degrees also went to work all day to help others. They didn’t take the time or opportunity to deepen their knowledge about what goes on in their own homes. Once in a radio interview in I presented exactly this challenge to Dr. Mark Rabinovitch, a well regarded psychiatry professor at McGill University. I asked him: “Did you ever stay at home to see what actually goes on with your children?”, to which he retorted “I don’t have to be home all day to know what’s going on!” Really? Worse yet, I know of many professionals who face the same challenges as everyone with their own children. Daily they face defiance, rebellion, fighting, mental illness, depression, substance abuse and even suicide.
After making my DOLIF observations and verifying them over 4 generations, there remained little doubt in my mind that the DOLIF phenomenon is real. Moreover, since most parents seemed to have the best intentions when they started their families, there seemed to be no other possible conclusion but that these differences were initiated by the children themselves, and that parents are merely pawns to their children’s antics. It seems that the children set the “trap” for parents, and that parents all too readily and willingly jump right in! The whole mysterious dilemma gave rise to my conclusion that nobody is at fault for the entire set of events. The children’s actions are sourced from their raw instincts that are built into every human creature and come in a package with all of us from birth. In the meantime, the actions of parents are just as compelling when they are faced with bad behavior and try to control it. Neither group knows what the other is thinking and each is totally bewildered by the other.
That SIBLING RIVALRY might be considered a cause of personality development is a phenomenon that was first mentioned by Birth Order theorists. They stated that, according to their observational and behavioral analyses “If you have a child of one type, you can bet that your next child will be the opposite”. No doubt that this is true. But the the Birth Order Theorists made the critical error of insisting that the Favored child was always the firstborn one. This was based on the observation that in perusing the biographies of famous individuals, many firstborn men, such as Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, Galileo and Sigmund Freud had made important contributions and scientific discoveries to their fields. These individuals were then automatically labelled as the most loved and preferred child in their own families. However, their personal lives were usually obscure, or even undocumented. For example, Sigmund Freud was believed to be Favored as a firstborn child and because his mother called him “Mein Golden Ziggy”. However DOLIF analysis points out that Freud was a difficult and controlling character, and most likely a Disfavored firstborn child. A closer look at their family’s dynamics shows that he was probably upstaged by the gentleness of his next born sister, who seems to have shared a close and warm relationship with their PLG mother. Unfortunately, the fact that Freud was catapulted to larger-than-life status (probably because he talked about sex in an age when such talk was taboo), we have little knowledge about this sister or his several younger siblings. Other firstborns were also automatically classified as favorites without any actual research or information about their family dynamics or personalities. Another glaring problem with Birth Order Theory is that, in contrast to DOLIF, no explanation is offered about the status or personalities of children beyond the first two. It is as if later children have no personalities that are worth discussing. Regardless of the total number of children in any family, DOLIF theory continues to analyze the sibline and identify the personalities of later siblings as either Favored or Disfavored within their own subgroups or clusters.
I embarked on DOLIF theory by looking into families in depth and observing that the first two children were routinely stark opposites. Even now when I look at siblings in which there is one pre-verbal baby, I always notice that they behave in opposite ways: if one is highly active, the other is invariably slower, more passive, quieter or may even appear sluggish and less driven. By later childhood, around 8 to 12 years, as their personalities take shape, they begin to display mental/emotional characteristics that match, and become ever more deeply entrenched into their soon-to-be permanent personalities. The general direction of those characteristics becomes increasingly clear, so that by adolescence, and sometimes even much earlier, one has a clear sense of the emotional stability or lack of stability in the psychological status of either child.
If, without gentle introduction, I tell parents that they themselves are playing an active role and exacerbating the dynamics of Favoritism, or that they may even be accomplices or instigators of the conflict, most become absolutely indignant. Convinced of the impact of genetics and DNA, nature over nurture, they are adamant that their children were simply born different from day one: “This one takes after me, and that one takes after my spouse”, they insist. Or, they might conclude they are just victims of bad luck with children who happen to hate each other, or that one child is just of bad temperament, their “devil”, while the other is the “angel” that heaven sent to compensate for the bad one. Or, as one parent openly declared, I can’t help loving the younger one more because “We can communicate!” In short, parents are absolutely convinced and adamant that any differences in the personalities and behavior of their first two children is due either to genetics or pure luck. They insist on this belief regardless of the author’s time, education, knowledge, research and historical experience.
When I suggest that the differences in the personalities of their first two children may be due to the attitudes of the parents themselves because they may be directing more LOVE at one child than the other, I repeatedly meet with belligerent rejection. If I attempt to explain that the antics their children are performing, their behavior and personalities, are merely designed with the purpose of attracting their parents’ attention and LOVE, and that the answer lies with the distribution of LOVE in the family, they begin to openly fight with me. Surrounded by professionals who believe the children are to blame, and fear they might be seen as blaming the parents, they insist that behavioral control, discipline, social regimentation and training are the only answers to their family’s problems. To reinforce this attitude, our foremost experts on CBT advise them to act “as a team” and, band together to scold, punish, conspire and deprive their naughty child of their greatest pleasures. Unfortunately, this all results in exacerbating the situation by isolating the child, humiliating them, escalating the battle, and in short, pitting the parents’ WILL against the WILL of their irrational, instinct-driven immature child! Little do they realize that when parents “team up”, they form a social pair, and when they address their children as such, the child perceives their very own parents, whom they feel should protect them, as their social aggressors – bullies who are “ganging up” to conspire against them! All the while, the children see themselves as tiny, vulnerable victims of such aggression. As explained in other blogs, the child thinks: “WHAT? YOU TWO GROWN-UPS GANGING UP ON LITTLE OLD ME? POOR DEFENSELESS LITTLE ME! Their immature Mind of a Child, that is guided purely by their Emotions, perceives nothing but the parents’ Anger and feeling thus, goes on to conclude: I CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY EVERYBODY HATES ME!
NOW THE NAUGHTY CHILD, WITH THEIR LIMITED INTELLECTUAL AWARENESS, THE SUPREMACY OF THEIR EMOTIONS OVER THEIR INTELLECTUAL POWERS, AND DRIVEN BY THEIR UNCONTROLLED INSTINCTS, REVS UP THEIR ENGINES. THEIR ANXIETY, DEPRESSION AND ANGER BECOME CHARGED TO THE MAX. THE CHILD IS POISED TO GO TO ANY LENGTHS, DISPLAY UNTOLD NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR AND UNRULINESS, AND ENGAGE IN ALL MANNER OF EXPRESSION OF THEIR THREE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS TO DEFEND THEMSELVES. Not only is the sibling their natural enemy now, but so too are their parents. The children do all this with the misguided hope of regaining their parents’ precious LOVE, positive regard and social status in the family. Their instincts unequivocally command them to do so and yet, chaos surely ensues!
In the end, my findings indicate that every child’s attempt to procure and guarantee the LOVE of their parents indelibly marks their personalities and behavior for a lifetime. I discovered that the outcome of this battle is so deep as to become THE KEY DETERMINANT of every person’s present and future psychological development into adulthood. You see, we adults perceive and preoccupy ourselves with OUR hard lives in terms of OUR OWN social reality in an Intellectually-driven world, with our main concerns such as daily events, schedules, proper social behavior, financial and legal obligations and more. But as stated in other contexts, if we picture the scene like an ocean, we might say that adults routinely conduct our lives above the water line, observing our own social and political reality in our real world. However, children live below the water line, surrounded by exquisite colors, a wealth of flora and fauna that are completely foreign to us. The children exist in this secret, Emotion-driven Garden of Eden, where all feelings and perceptions are dominated by that invisible, intangible cloudburst of LOVE.
So why bother to understand the world of a child? First, because every adult was once a child, and in order to understand your adulthood, your personality and the reasons behind your current behavior and your psychological wellness or illness, you need to begin by understanding how life felt for you when you were a child. How did you feel the world treated you, and how did you respond to it? Secondly, in order to build a better future for our society, we need to understand the motivations behind our children’s behavior, and why some go astray while others, raised in the same environment, do not. Any new insights will give us clues into mental balance or imbalance, criminal behavior, substance abuse, suicide and more. Thirdly, given a proper understanding of the development of personality and behavior, we will be better able to treat, change or even predict and reverse certain character traits or mental problems. DOLIF tells us we can accomplish this quite easily and routinely, merely by changing the Emotional dynamics in the Family of Origin.
Bear in mind that the DOLIF pattern of opposing personality types in siblings is very deeply entrenched into every human psyche since it is founded on pure human instinct. It is fixed, inescapable and as predictable as turtles swimming ashore to lay their eggs. It is universal and never fails to appear in every new human offspring, cutting across all social barriers such as socioeconomic status, color, creed, gender, intelligence and even ability or disability. It is entirely pervasive, obvious beyond reproach, and quite foolproof once we tune in and start to decipher its effects. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, the DOLIF behavior pattern exists in every child and every family, and has been the standard course of human development throughout time and history.
Now after nearly 50 years, having honed DOLIF theory and built a concrete, easy-to-follow, quasi-mathematical model of how it functions, I offer it here to the public. Besides its predictability and universality, the formula relies on pure, unalterable human instinct. That is, the DOLIF PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR ABSOLUTELY MUST TAKE PLACE IN SOME FORM IN EVERY FAMILY ON THIS EARTH. This might seem strange in the context of psychology, which has always been believed to be an inexact science because human nature and Emotion is considered to be necessarily random, unpredictable and Emotions deemed to be a “fuzzy” area of exploration, To the contrary, I have found that at least certain aspects of human behavior are automatic, instinct-driven and entirely predictable. In fact, some famous mathematicians claim that all of life can ultimately be represented in mathematical formulas. Perhaps DOLIF theory is an example of one.
