Now that we understand how a child perceives CBT punishment-based training and better appreciate the contrast between this perception and our benevolent intentions, let’s examine our own thoughts, feelings and motivations when we administer punishment to a child.
When we see our child throwing their toys around or answering us back, not surprisingly, we immediately grit our teeth and come face to face with OUR OWN seething Anger! This Anger is normal and arises naturally. From there, it is undoubtedly our impulse to feel the desire to punish the child. So when our Anger mounts toward our stubborn, testing child, we easily and reflexively raise our voice, put on an Angry visage and say: “I told you NOT to do that!”
If the child pays no attention or refuses to stop, we must admit that although we are trying our best to contain ourselves, we are still fuming inside and venting our own natural reaction of Anger! Now, with the support and approval of research methodology, CBT allows us to feel entitled to administer a fitting punishment. Our only limitation is that the punishment should NOT be abusive. At this point we have our innate Anger working for us as well as CBT to say “Go upstairs to your room, and you have Time Out for 10 minutes, or else no dessert for you tonight!” This of course is considered a logical and humane solution to the problem.
So we must ask: By justifying our actions and only specifying HOW to punish, how helpful is CBT? Isn’t it merely giving us permission to act on our own natural Anger? Aren’t humans naturally inclined to become Angry and aren’t they moved to punish their children anyways for bad behavior? In other words, without the help of CBT, parents would surely follow their own instincts to punish their children just the same. Even without the help of CBT we can justify our actions by turning to religion that tells us to “spare the rod and spoil the child”. So, by re-naming punishment as ‘training’ or ‘teaching’, or through religion telling us that our instructions to punish come from a higher source, do these methods do anything more than give us the green light to put into action our natural Anger with our child? As one educator once put it: “Punish them for misbehaving? Who didn’t think of that?” More crucially than this though, these beliefs allow us to lose sight of our real momentary hostility toward the child. They give us the license, permission and entitlement to believe that our actions are logical, justifiable and supported by legitimate, “evidence-based” research, or even otherworldly sources.
DOLF psychology maintains that by condoning and indulging our Anger, CBT does nothing more than give us the professional blessing to proceed with punishment! CBT places the sole condition that we should punish them humanely. But what does this mean? It only tells us that we must find ways to punish that are other than physical. Beyond that, almost any form of punishment is acceptable. Time Out, docking privileges or enforcing a curfew seem to be fine. Even boot camp, interventions, severe physical exercise or yelling in their ears are considered acceptable. Yet one could well argue that many of these methods are abusive. For example Time Out is a form of social shunning that could be considered one of the most cruel types of punishment. Interventions are a form of extreme social pressure, and boot camp is certainly antagonistic to a child’s will. The same can be said of yelling in their ears to “scare them straight”, subjecting them to severe physical exercise, locking them out after a curfew or giving them an ultimatum such as one that forces a child to move out of their home prematurely. These are all merely forms of punishment that are not directly physical, but in their own way, still cruel.
Although it is recommended by CBT that punishment be administered in a detached, non-judgmental way, unaddressed by CBT are hurtful comments or gestures that undermine the child’s SELF such as “See what you did? Go away! You’re such a pest. Why do you always have to disturb everybody? Just go to your room – we don’t need you here!”
So DOLF raises our skepticism that there is in fact very little real scientific substance behind the current recommendations for child-rearing in psychology. And this lecture is intended to help parents look for modalities other than punishment that can help them raise children who are mentally healthy. DOLF aims to educate parents by giving them insight into their own Anger toward their misbehaving child. Here we hope to explain to parents how their actions are received by their children, and help them detach or distance themselves from their natural inclinations to punish negative behavior. (Continued in Parental Anger and CBT – Part 3)
