The childish thinking that DOLF refers to as the Mind of a Child is hard for adults to fathom. Here is another aspect of the Mind of a Child that begs to be unveiled. I offer it to show the way that Disfavored people really feel inside both as children and as adults.
Let’s begin by considering the feelings and motivations that cause a Disfavored child to behave the way they do. We might think: WHY do some children, much to our dismay, “choose” to adopt a negative stream of behavior and personality style that bothers us and goes against our wishes and social rules? Are they not aware of how annoying they are and how much they are disrupting those around them? Do they have no conscience? WHY can’t they just follow our rules or act like their Favored next born sibling? Most crucially however we silently wonder: Could this child’s behavior be the consequence of bad genes – in which case they are unfixable? We might ask the same question about our Favored child. HOW is it that this child was astute enough to “choose” a positive stream of behavior that pleases us? From what source did they learn their good behavior? Are they imitating their parents, or just displaying what their good genes are driving them to do? Is DNA responsible? WHY should their behavior be so different from their sibling when they were raised in the same family environment?
Inwardly, parents are also thinking: “We did a good job raising our Favored child, which proves WE are good parents. Therefore the bad behavior of our Disfavored child is NOT our fault but due to this child’s heredity.” Now following the Mind of an Adult, their next thought is: ”If the problem is with our child’s DNA, then it is permanent and unchangeable. Then they brood: Since good and bad genes are distributed randomly and nobody’s fault: How unlucky WE were to have had this unruly, irritating, dislikeable child with bad genes. Now they seek to console themselves with their next thought: Thank goodness we were blessed with one good child – our other prized, beautiful, golden child. And finally they rally themselves in self defense: Hush! Let’s keep this secret to ourselves. Let’s not talk about our problems with this child because if our relatives, friends, neighbors or teachers find out they’ll think badly of us and our family, and we’ll have failed as parents.
But according to DOLF we should start by realizing that every family is in the same boat. This good-child bad-child syndrome is not an anomaly at all, but a secret that every family keeps. If you look closely at siblings you will always find ‘an easy one’ and ‘a difficult one’ , ‘an angel’ and ‘a devil’. At the very least you will always find opposing sibling personality types. The DOLF formula tells us that whenever two siblings are born and raised in one family, they inevitably turn out opposite every time. It happens with certainty in EVERY family without exception, and most commonly they divide along the lines of good-child / bad-child, although any style of division is possible. According to DOLF longitudinal findings that examine the 3 essential negative Emotions of Anxiety, Depression and Anger, we always find one Favored sibling who is compliant, generous and lovable, and one Disfavored sibling who is either Anxious, Depressive or Angry. This occurs spontaneously and cannot be suppressed or avoided. Thus, instead of jumping to the typical conclusion that is on the Mind of every Adult that the Disfavored sibling comes from a bad seed, it is necessary to reach outside our usual narrow adult perspective and ask: WHAT are the children actually thinking and feeling?
We already know that in the children’s quest to be the lone recipient of LOVE from their PLG, the Disfavored sibling ends up taking the only alternate route that they, in their immaturity, can find and sense is open to them. That is, their instincts drive them to be opposite, which means being less cooperative, less compliant and less socially pleasant than their Favored counterpart. In their desperation to extract themselves from their dilemma and their instinctual mandate to be opposite, they feel that negative, attention-seeking behavior is the only way they can assert their independence and personal identity without compromising their dignity. So in sum, given all their endowments and deficiencies, children face (a) a desperate drive to seek the maximum possible attention for themselves alone, (b) a vicious, self-preserving urge to debunk their opponent, (c) an instinct to be opposite to their counterpart, and (d) a natural repugnance for the personality style adopted by their sibling, all in the context of (e) a lack of worldly knowledge and poverty of social and logical reasoning, the Disfavored sibling feels they have NO CHOICE. They must fashion themselves to somehow adopt opposite behaviors and attitudes. Unfortunately however, those are the behaviors and attitudes that are usually what WE consider to be negative, challenging and defiant behavior. Moreover, due to their human WILL and pride, they become convinced that their chosen style of behavior is absolutely right and proper, and are willing to defend it to the nth degree.
But the question about how the children really feel inside about each other has not yet been fully answered. So far, we have kept our discussion in the buffer zone, mainly in order to make it more palatable and less offensive for the Adult Mind to absorb. The truth of the matter actually jars our conscience, and it is fair to say that very few of us would ever have paid much attention to this additional unspoken feeling in the Mind of a Child or had the audacity to bring it out in the open. Yet it is a reaction that most of us who have next-born siblings must have felt at one time or another. This feeling, which is held mutually by both Favored and Disfavored children, is that they truly, genuinely and urgently feel inside that if they were to copy, emulate or in any way behave the same way, or even similar to, their sibling, they would be flooded with feelings of repulsion, aversion, emotional disturbance, loss of self-respect and utter ”nausea”!
In other words, DOLF Theory finds that BOTH siblings are motivated by more than just an Instinct to be Opposite, as we might understand it with our Adult Minds. It is a strange, elusive but urgent, compelling feeling in their gut that they so absolutely and decidedly DO NOT WANT to be the same as their sibling that they will go to any lengths and measures to avoid it. It is a feeling of repulsion where they will do everything in their power to avoid being the same or even similar to their sibling. While many siblings do NOT overtly express that they are so repulsed, many are more forthright, fighting constantly and putting their ANGER with each other onto obvious display. It is for certain too that the repulsion goes both ways and that it actually amounts to HATRED. They each HATE any trace of resemblance to the other. So much so that EACH ONE HATES WHAT THE OTHER ONE DOES, IS, REPRESENTS OR STANDS FOR. In other words, they feel that whatever their sibling says, does, likes, feels, thinks, looks like, acts like, resembles or reminds them of, as well as all their sibling’s habits, behaviors, personality style and all identifying factors – are all repulsive, odious and utterly nauseating! It is an immutable, instinctive feeling that repels each sibling far from the other, whether overtly or covertly, and railroads or locks them into behaving within the limited scope of the opposite types of behavior or personal territory that they have delineated or chosen as their own domain.
The process happens in the same way as magnets repel each other in that the reaction is the extreme opposite of attraction. These adjacent siblings feel mental, emotional and even physical repulsion from one another. And since their reactions are fueled by the Emotion of Anger, the feeling often borders on as pure a HATRED as we can imagine. When we look at identical twins to verify our suspicions, we find that this is just as true. They may dress alike, look alike and even appear to love each other. But we should always be aware that two siblings who are competitors in the same grouping are NEVER, EVER alike inside. And although they may each appear to enjoy the other’s company and be the best of friends, they neither feel the same way inside nor ever actually WANT to be the same person as their sibling. (More reasons why siblings might band together or give the social appearance of being similar are discussed in another blog).
We are witness to this sibling hostility when we observe adjacent siblings who do not get along. Whether they express it in verbal arguing and physical fighting, or if it is underground and camouflaged, their disdain for each other is no secret. Siblings may attack each other mercilessly, tease, flaunt, embarrass and continually compare assets and flaws. Or, even if they quietly go in opposite directions and seem to be getting along smoothly, we should not underestimate their natural inward hostility. And, strange as it may seem to us, they compete in every way they can. Regardless of the differences between them such as age, sex or ability, they are NOT capable of taking these facts of reality into consideration as we do. Hence a larger, older or more able sibling will attack a smaller, younger or disabled one with the same viciousness as if they were the same size, age and level of ability. From both the Favored or Disfavored side there may be assaults, underhanded gestures, name-calling, telling tales, etc. The dislike of the other one’s chosen style of behavior and entire self-presentation is mutual. The Less Favored one may label their positive counterpart “sucky”, a mama’s boy, daddy’s girl, or other such unpleasantries. Meanwhile, the Favored one is just as vexed and vicious in their attacks. They often consort with the parents to be critical of their Less Favored sibling, and benefit from the comfort and support of adults who often praise them with words and gestures for their more controlled or socially acceptable forms of aggression.
It is important we recognize that BOTH children feel the same way toward each other and that, besides wanting to decimate each other, their repulsion from each other and from the other one’s territory is real and compelling. With equal fervor they each deeply and committedly feel they NEVER WANT to be like their sibling, and would rather do anything, even behave in bizarre ways and risk social and parental disapproval or ostracism, just to avoid being anything like their opponent.
This feeling of repulsion from each other runs deep and is very real. It is an aspect of the underlying instinctual Anger that is contained and constantly vented by both participants within the confines of their Sibling War. Though the word ‘hatred’ may seem too strong to us and is a label we may try to avoid, there is no doubt that the animosity and sheer disgust of the other is rampant, pervasive, insidious, and cuts across all levels of their functioning. It is powerful enough that, if not resolved early in life through DOLF treatment, despite efforts to ignore, explain away or socially overlook it, the rivalry and mutual hatred, whether spoken or unspoken, lasts for a lifetime.
Nevertheless, if DOLF recommendations are implemented by parents early in family life, in that the PLG makes an effort to LOVE the child who is feeling Disfavored as much as they LOVE the adjacent Favored sibling, in the long run the parents will enjoy the comfort of knowing that their children will get along better in later life. If the DOLF protocol is practiced, even for some of the early time while the children are growing up, the entire family will reap the benefit of improved relationships. This is especially true between the Favored and Disfavored siblings, who will get along better, but applies to all concerned. DOLF tactics promise to reduce conflict and increase harmony among all family members who are spared the tension of constant squabbles. Rather than implosion and self-destruction within the family group, each member is free to thrive and reap the benefits of peace, mutual LOVE, support and helping each other for their entire lives. The personalities of the siblings at war will surely be positively affected as well, and ultimately better rounded, a feature that will be explained in another blog. In brief, the Anger of the Disfavored child will be reduced, a positive factor for their development. At the same time the Anger of the Favored child will be increased, something that will better prepare them for the social challenges of their future,
As a final comfort to parents, the dynamics of peace and mutual LOVE and contentedness that are brought on by the PLG changing their LOVE will remain and endure long after their passing. They can take comfort in knowing that the hatred between their children will dissipate and they will gladly care for each other in the future even without their parents’ presence. In other words, they can leave this earth knowing that they created a harmonious and loving family whose members will help each other and have the compassion to help others.
