The study of psychology and the development of DOLIF Theory represents my life work. On graduating from university with a doctorate degree in clinical psychology and after having my first child, I could tell there was something seriously wrong with what I had been taught. That is, I found there was an enormous chasm between what I believed to be true from studying psychology, and the reality of actually handling my first child. Given my doctorate level of knowledge I thought, “Of all parents in society, am I not equipped to be the best? So WHY on earth am I having so much trouble raising her!?”
My background in Freudian Psychoanalysis had taught me that a female child should fall in love with her father because of her “Electra complex”, and also that she would be taking a great interest in her lower parts. But where was that expert Freud when I needed him? Not only did my daughter NOT show any greater interest in her father than in me, but she showed NO interest whatsoever in her lower anatomy. If there was anything sexual to be found, it was her interest in fondling my breasts, which were, after all, her main source of nourishment!
My education also provided tools for Behavior Theory or CBT, the reward-and-punishment technique. This theory had emerged in the 1940’s with the help of the systematic training of animals and was popularized over the next two decades by animal researchers such as Ivan Pavlov and B.F. Skinner. But its serious application didn’t come until the 1970’s when its use was extended from animals to children. Parents were told that children too could, and should, be “trained” using the same operant conditioning and learning techniques that had been shown to be almost foolproof with animals. New parents were urged to begin at pregnancy or in utero to interact with their soon-to-be born children, such as by talking directly to their unborn baby, exposing them to classical music, telling them stories and the like. After birth, they were encouraged to practice early learning with their babies using flash cards and other rote learning techniques to hasten intellectual development. By the early 1980’s I sent my second daughter to Sidney Ledson’s early learning school in Toronto. The edict was simple – teach and they will learn and your child can become a genius. But I found that most of the children in the school were 6-10 years old and were either dyslexic or had learning disabilities, and my daughter, who had normal learning skills, had surpassed most of them in her knowledge of the alphabet and writing skills by the age of four.
By the late 1980’s the BT methods had proven largely unfruitful and faded out, but since there was no other theory to replace it, BT persisted and flourished. About this time the word “Cognitive” mysteriously crept into the nomenclature, and the BT method was soon re-christened Cognitive Behavioral Theory, or CBT. At first the added “cognitive” label puzzled me, but I later figured out that BT had been extended to include adults as part of its target population. Now the word “cognitive” had added an Intellectual component to the method, so that one could claim that adults, such as those in treatment for mental illnesses, could also learn to change their behaviors with the use of cognitive methods and train themselves to improve their negative behaviors. The idea was that adults, due to their higher thinking faculties, could be helped by a therapist to use their cognitive abilities to convince themselves to do what they should be doing instead of carrying on with their maladjusted behavior patterns.
As an example, if a person is agoraphobic or fears going outside their home, CBT theorizes that a therapist could gently coax or ‘help’ them surmount their Anxiety and fear by taking their hand and helping them confront their most dreaded situation of going outdoors. Or, they could pursue desensitization treatment, where they would start by imagining certain frightening scenarios, and slowly take baby steps to achieve their goal, such as go out on their balcony, stand on their front porch, graduate to their garden, advance to the sidewalk, and so on. The technique is called ‘systematic desensitization’ and was supposed to be just as effective as traditional psychotherapy, but demand far less time and money. In cases of socially unacceptable behavior such as with unruly children or teenagers, they could be rewarded or punished until bad behaviors are set aside and they learn to make better “choices”. The only stipulation with CBT is that the punishment should be civilized, humane and “do no harm”. Suggested methods to elicit cooperation and help them learn these lessons include Time Out, deprivation of privileges and deadlines or curfews. As another example, in cases of eating disorders, the task of the behavioral therapist is teaching them the principles and habits of good nourishment, helping them choose food wisely and gradually getting them to change their habits to eating better. These techniques are still the ones in use by professionals today.
But I thought, how obvious is that? How easy it would be if only we could convince adults with mental health problems or teenagers with deviant behavior to change themselves. With the method involving the unlearning of old habits and re-learning new behavior, the emphasis is on forging ahead to change the overt behavior, while the issue of WHY the behavior occurred in the first place, and is still occurring, is never addressed. That is, CBT does not address its Emotional base, so that the danger of relapse or failure is very high.
Early in my career, before developing the DOLIF method, I used CBT with a patient who was suffering from severe OCD. His illness forced him to check the front door many times before leaving the house, open and close light switches to a certain count, and perform other repetitive actions that disrupted his life. After many attempts at CBT and charting his behaviors over many weeks, we found that the only time his repetitions were reduced was when he went on vacation and was more relaxed. But when he returned home his obsessions resumed in full force. So I asked myself: Isn’t CBT just common sense? As one of my colleagues once commented: Who didn’t think of that? To repeat: How easy it would be if we could simply unlearn bad habits and teach new ones, or discipline others for non-compliance about their bad behaviors and get them to behave as we would like?
As regards punishment I thought: Isn’t this just reflecting our natural reaction of Anger and frustration with an offender? Isn’t our usual Anger toward their negative behavior simply being condoned and re-packaged into socially acceptable, official-sounding methods of discipline and punishment, or dissuasion through systematic desensitization, albeit with the simple proviso that we “do no harm”? So for me, despite being cloaked in professional language, these methods simply seemed to be ways of disguising our ANGER and the natural human feeling that we should punish those who don’t behave properly or help those who cannot help behavior. It seemed to me that CBT is merely an extension of the rote, systematic way we train and treat animals. I was also concerned about another aspect of the reward-and-punishment paradigm, which is that the reward aspect is rarely used, leaving the focus on punishment. Looking around I saw that CBT is usually applied to our most vulnerable population, children, as well as the people who offend our social mores and whom we least know how to rehabilitate, mainly criminals. I decided that CBT is our expression of a last-resort way of exacting compliance from those who misbehave on the one hand, while at the same time condoning our own natural Anger with them on the other hand.
In my personal experience, after a few attempts to “train” my small daughter out of her babyish behaviors using reward and punishment, but getting a good laugh when she taunted me, I soon could see that, of the two of us, I was the greater fool! This quickly ended my belief in Behavioral treatment methods with children. As regards adults, I realized that the main thrust of CBT here is an effort to use the mind, Intellectual powers and the person’s own desire to change their habits to try to “help” them do exactly the things they dread, fear most, or feel they can’t or don’t want to do simply by encouraging them or literally holding their hand! The only difference was that this should be done under embellished labels such as “exposure therapy” or “systematic desensitization”.
Unfortunately too, on close inspection, we find that punishment is actually condoned by CBT and can in fact do serious harm. Especially when used with children and teenagers, the punishment aspect is camouflaged. It parades under obscure titles such as “Tough Love”, deprivation of privileges, “scaring them straight”, army training, “boot camp”, or Time Out which are not only more oppressive than the technique admits, but also deliberately intended to cause the subject to suffer in some ways due to the necessity of imposing or threatening to resort to the “consequences”. Meetings with friends and family members called “Interventions” place the candidate under extreme social pressure, sometimes getting them to subscribe to expensive treatment programs that are paid for by insurance and are all too often a failure. In general, these programs all apply personal and social pressure to force changes in behavior by cornering, shouting, coercing or otherwise punishing the misbehaving individuals. Worst of all, they are most frequently applied to our most vulnerable populations of children and troubled youth!
Parents too fall victim when they are instructed to punish their child in ways that they do not feel comfortable doing. CBT tells us “Don’t be afraid to punish your child” or “Be consistent and persist, and get your partner onside so you can confront your child as a team!” By contrast, a DOLIF analysis of the situation tells us that some parents understandably object to these methods, which is often the case for a PLG, the parent who is more Emotionally attached, accessible and attuned to the children. This parent is often reluctant to follow through with disciplinary measures, separation from their child or other harsh methods of behavioral control. Often, the PLG is compelled to suffer heartbreak, while an ALG parent may be quite willing to abide by the strict CBT prescription.
Because DOLIF gives newfound consideration to the Mind of a Child, it alerts us that the cognition of a human child must be respected and never in any way compared with, or treated like, an animal by using reward and punishment methods to effect behavioral changes. In fact, it soon becomes clear that the distance in cognitive ability between a child and even the highest ape or primate is a quantum leap, and that virtually nothing psychological should be taken from an animal’s behavioral habits and generalized to apply to humans of any age. Even though a human is a form of animal, as it turns out, we are far more complex and have our own proprietary instincts.
DOLIF departs from other methods in that it deals with the instincts, drives and urges that belong exclusively to humans. DOLIF aims to regulate the movement of LOVING EMOTIONS between members of the first family in every person’s experience and from every individual’s perspective. Once we apply DOLIF methods to remedy family dynamics by changing the attitudes of parents and others in the immediate social environment of a child, we cannot help but recognize that there is an enormous chasm between learning and training methods for animals, and managing the behavior of humans. For parents, professionals and educators, understanding DOLIF is comparable to learning a whole new language built around the 3 negative human Emotions of Anxiety, Depression and Anger. In time and with more study, this approach should lead to a world of new discoveries about our uniquely human psychological and social dynamics.
Because of the accuracy of DOLIF with its new understanding the workings of the human psyche, and particularly with its insight into the Mind of a Child, seemingly serious situations such as criminal acts or psychiatric diagnoses, such as OCD, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Eating Disorders can be resolved very quickly and sometimes almost instantly. The remedy is implemented by educating parents in how to treat their children and respecting the exclusive parent-child relationship, so children can ultimately grow up to be more mentally stable. In many cases, treatment can be accomplished without the intervention of a therapist in any other way than to act as a general guide to how recovery should be conducted. The foundation of the treatment method is constant and the same for every family: If parents change their feelings, thoughts and attitudes toward their difficult child, their child’s behavior will soon change, and make a significant positive difference for the entire family!
