DOLIF makes it clear that, contrary to popular belief in current psychology, discipline, punishment, consequences, policing and even the fear of being physically harmed are NOT deterrents to Angry, rebellious behavior! This is because, when misbehavior occurs, there are powerful motivating EMOTIONS at work. Behind the negative behavior is the urge to satisfy the Emotional drive. This creates a conflict between Intellectual power, that ‘knows better’ than to give the person permission to do the deed, and the Emotional energy that propels the action.
No matter whether the object of desire is a toy, the LOVE of a parent, sympathy or just simple attention, unless the underlying Emotions are addressed, the desire will still reign supreme and fester. Woven into the Intellectual fabric inside the “gut” of the perpetrator, those nagging, unreasonable instincts that are the base motivators of behavior are always churning down below our line of vision, and in active play to impel the behavior we see. In fact, strict policing and disapproval of bad behaviors only sends these urges deeper underground, further hiding and blocking them from the view of observers and even from the person’s own awareness. Once these urges are buried, the specific style of behavioral outlet, whether from a child or adult, whether tainted by more Anger, more Depression or more Anxiety, will be unpredictable. The specific mix of underlying feelings that are the engine behind the actions would have been determined early in life by the individual’s status in their Family of Origin. Once their social position as Favored or Disfavored was decided, the urge continues to exert its effect throughout life. The process that defines which behavior is displayed depends on those unique personality and behavioral traits into which the Emotions became integrated during childhood, according to the specific circumstances the person lived through.
Given the explosiveness of the Anger, Depression and Anxiety that are aroused during children’s engagement in a WAR with their neighbouring SIBLING, when they are faced with the danger of losing the battle by failing to attract the LOVE of their PLG, pressure accumulates on a LESS LOVED or Disfavored child to find an outlet for the feelings aroused in them by their Disfavor. Their “choices” of behavior can then vary immensely. Methods chosen center around what they can do to decimate their sibling, and what ideas they can conjure up to make sure that at the same time they differentiate themselves from their sibling. These “choices” or styles of action can cover all the possible creative behaviors that a human being can devise, some of a more positive, amenable social nature, and others of a more negative and combative type. They may vary from pathetic, self-pitying behaviors to humorous, engaging ones, from manipulative, shady behaviors to rebellious, intellectually challenging ones, from vengeful, dangerous behaviors to docile, cunning ones, and much, much more. In other words, anything goes!
For example, if Anger is the chosen modality to display discontent, the person engages all their physical and/or intellectual powers using tactics such as confrontation, fighting, shouting, duping, manipulating, cheating or lying. These are typical behaviors that have their source in Anger. They are directed outward at others and exemplify various means of punishing other people. By contrast if a person reacts with a Depressive mood they will give up ground, retreat, self-isolate, cry, call for parental help, show signs of mental illness, turn to substance abuse, self-mutilation and such. In other words, these individuals will turn their Anger inward against the SELF and punish themselves. If Anxiety is the principal chosen modality of self-expression, as an expression of Anger that is turned inward, it might be displayed through hyperactivity, repetitive or obsessive actions, nagging, whining, fearfulness and such,
As adults and observers, we are quick to be annoyed, or Angered ourselves, by unsocialized, poorly socialized or antisocial behavior. We naturally find the behavior distasteful, since it is in fact pointedly directed at irritating us. This is particularly true when negative behavior centered around Anger is expressed through social deviance, opposition, defiance of our requests, demanding compliance from others as in “my way or the highway”, rebellion, delinquency, sociopathy. Generally on a social level, we are not as bothered, irked or upset by behaviors or expressions of mental/Emotional instability or psychological disorders that involve Depression and Anxiety. Even though problems of Depression and Anxiety are still of great concern to us as a society, we tolerate them far better than behaviors that are motivated by Anger because they don’t target us but are turned inward against the perpetrator themselves. Ailments of Anxiety and Depression such as mental illness, substance abuse or suicide are easier forms of self-expression for society and outsiders to deal with because they direct Anger away from others and inward to hurt the SELF. Expressions of discontent through Anger that is directed outward at the general society are far more concerning and difficult for us to deal with as a society, mainly because they force us to react and respond to them with our own consequences and methods of retaliation.
We should understand that when the instinctual urge to compete overwhelms the little Mind of a Child, such as when they are engaged in a bitter Sibling Rivalry or fighting, it is virtually impossible for them to leap past the hurdle of the burning urge and conjure up fair, logical tactics that are considerate of another’s rights. Those immersed in a Mind of a Child realm consequently find themselves squeezed into using whatever tools they have at their disposal to meet their driving need to WIN the competition. We recognize the power of the drive by the desperation that sets in, and when we see them strive to get the goods at all costs! So now, turning to their limited Intellectual resources they easily lapse into lying, cheating, hitting or any strategies they can muster to get their way. In the bitter battle against their sibling, we should recognize that the prize is never the object at hand – the toy or lollipop. Rather, the underlying hope of both children is to reap parental sympathy and draw attention to their cause. Their associated goal is, of course, to ultimately decimate their opponent. In their blind rage their goal is to be a WINNER and NOT a LOSER. They mainly first engage Anger and fly into a rage, which is always accompanied by a good measure of Anxiety. But if they fail to achieve their ends and feel they LOST the battle, Depression sets in, to be expressed as crying, pouting, self-isolation and such. Sobbing and wailing loudly are also forms of Anger in their search for pity and compliance with their demands.
POLICING for the actions of warring siblings becomes a futile endeavor! Such retaliatory action is rendered moot by every child’s extreme instinctual urge to WIN the battle at all costs. Because their instincts reign supreme, like a fish that must swim upstream, they have NO CHOICE but to obey! The fighting behavior is NOT voluntary, as we tend to assume using our adult logic. The urge comes automatically and involuntarily! This is true of both fighting children, who absolutely HAVE NO CHOICE but to comply with their instincts! In this context the idea of policing and disciplining them becomes useless and all our behaviorally motivated actions and reactions to control them are rendered empty, pointless, and can even exacerbate matters! The more watchful we are to guard against their deviant methods by seeking to train, untrain, retrain, shape, curb, teach or punish their devious, rebellious or confrontational behavior, the more secretive and untruthful they feel compelled to become, and the harder they will work at hiding their true aims and intentions! Ultimately, they will be sure to divide up their interests and pursuits and build their entire personalities around two completely separate identities!
By offering the children a “choice” therefore, we catch them in a trap from which they cannot escape! What they hear from us is: ‘Accept our policing tactics, or defy your natural urges!” Regardless of their age, if MATURITY, in the form of integration of their EMOTIONS with their INTELLECTUAL CAPACITY has not yet taken hold, we have no hope of getting compliance, or getting to the truth of any situation as we see it. So it is that in most cases, in the absence of educated intervention by parents through the coaching of DOLIF, we see fighting behavior and every other kind of Sibling Rivalry stretching well into adolescence, adulthood and often until death.
DOLIF theory holds that all human psychology, and hence all personality and behavior, begins with the conflict between the powerful urge of SIBLING RIVALRY with immediate competitors on the one hand, and our efforts to socialize our children on the other. Given this developmental context in which the Emotions initially reign supreme above Intellectual power, adult initiated strictness and policing can have little, if any effect. In fact the entire scenario of trying to behaviorally train police, discipline and punish children, or even adults, opens the door to all manner of mental and behavioral rebellion. From this source we can trace all the mental aberrations and anti-conformity movements that the human mind is capable of creating. A perfect example of this is Ted Kaczynski’s social/political manifesto in which he sticks to his views regardless of whether or not they make any logical sense or are in any way appropriate or applicable to society at large.
