It seems that humans feel a natural urge to hide feelings of Depression from others. But WHY? The answer reaffirms how Intellectual endowment renders humans so different from animals. Although we don’t really know how animals feel, it seems that the human need to hide Depression comes up automatically and instinctively. Without training, our Depression is naturally experienced as embarrassing and socially shameful. The reason seems to be that in humans, Depression feels like a sign of vulnerability. We fear that revealing our Depression will betray our vulnerability to others, making us the target of disrespect or ridicule. In this context then, the urge to hide our Depression is a social instinct.
As we know through DOLF, Depression means that through negative experiences in childhood, Anger was aroused that became directed against the SELF, and slowly grew to produce a poor image of the SELF. If Depression persists over years, it accumulates to generate ever harsher and more pointed hatred of the SELF. Instinct then spontaneously tells us that we don’t want others to recognize how much we actually hate our SELF. Naturally associated Anxiety also automatically kicks in and accompanies the Depression. Anxiety adds fear to the Depressed person’s heart which further serves to warn them that showing their Depression will make them appear less lovable and less acceptable or socially desirable to others. Therefore, every effort is poured into trying to hide sadness. This is done in order to avoid the appearance of less lovability than others. In the world of Emotions it is both a social and comparative exercise, translating into a compromised social status by comparison with others. So, we are inclined to try to keep our inner sadness a secret and avoid the awareness of others for fear they may sense our weakness. If so, they may assume social superiority and take advantage of this to inflict Emotional or physical harm on us.
Any type of aberrant or mentally ill behaviors then, and mainly those that entail Depression or Anxiety begin with this style of thinking. The fundamental problem is a social one that relates to HOW WE THINK OR FEEL ABOUT THE WAY OTHERS MIGHT BE THINKING OR FEELING ABOUT US!
As a child grows into adolescence, there is a gradual accumulation of such experiences in response to others. There is a store of our assessment of outsiders’ impressions of us that can be positive or negative. As a small child, one does not consciously or Intellectually think about how others are thinking, nor understand how adults view the world. Rather, as per the Emotional emphasis described in DOLF, children only FEEL or SENSE the world around them, especially the LOVE or Lack of LOVE that comes from their main LOVE providers, their parents. The question of AM I LOVED OR NOT LOVED by my parents is the most pressing preoccupation in the Mind of a Child and is foremost at all times.
When these Emotional messages are negative in the Family of Origin and the child LOSES the battle with their sibling for LOVE from their Prime Loving Giving parent, this child naturally assumes the Disfavored or less LOVED position. This LESS FAVORED child’s thoughts and Emotions then gradually progress as follows: “I am LESS LOVED than my sibling –> I feel that my parents do not LOVE me –> I am so sad that I am NOT LOVED as much as my sibling –> I have lost the most meaningful battle in life –> I am a LOSER –> I feel I am NOT LOVABLE –> I must not be worthy of their LOVE –> I am a bad person –> I feel sad and Depressed about myself –>They must hate me –> I hate myself as they hate me –> The world is better off without me –> I should die –> I want to die —> I will make myself die (inwardly or outwardly)!” Such are the feelings behind the actions or behavior of a person who develops mental ailments that entail Depression and Anxiety. These two feelings present themselves in various degrees and intensities and become expressed through symptoms such as OCD, phobia, bipolar, ADHD, substance abuse, eating disorder and even schizophrenia.
As time goes by and the child grows into adolescence, more Intellectual control takes over, and there is an effort to make sense of the experience of LACK of sufficient LOVE from their parents that would or should have been comparable to the LOVE that their Favored sibling got. The thinking continues: “I am so ashamed to show my Depression about being LESS LOVED than others. I know I am disliked, even hated by others and unworthy of anyone’s LOVE“. Now the instinct to hide the grief, Depression and its associated Anxiety spontaneously kicks in: “But if I let other people know how hate-worthy I am I will be vulnerable to their ridicule and denigration and they will look down on me. I am so ashamed of myself that it makes me want to hurt my SELF. I want to die, so I will do everything I can to kill myself inside, but NOT let anyone know how badly feel about my SELF.” The thoughts continue as: “I do not want them to know how much I am longing for their LOVE because I am so ashamed that I was not worthy enough to WIN their LOVE. I know this because my sibling was worthy of their LOVE. I hate my sibling because they stole the LOVE I was entitled to. Yet, I NEVER want to be like my sibling! I feel I want to be opposite to my sibling, but all my fighting with my parents and sibling seems to do no good. I will never be good enough in our PLG’s eyes or worthy of our parents’ LOVE because my sibling is much more worthy of being LOVED than I am. It’s no use. I’ve failed. I would rather die. But I will act arrogant and proud and hide my feelings behind some stupid symptoms so I can trick them because I don’t want anyone to know how badly I really feel inside! We note here the secretive nature of these feelings, as expressed through the Mind of a Child.
Now another childish, self-destructive thought also invades their mind. It is: THEY (my parents and others) WILL NEVER GUESS WHY I’M DOING THIS (eating too much or too little, acting out, taking illicit drugs, failing in school, bullying other children)!!! Ha ha!!!! See? They’re all worried about feeding me (treating my substance abuse, finding out why I’m such a rebel and breaking the law, refusing to learn)!!! But I know how to do all those things and be a better person. I’m just playing a game to fool them all. They don’t know I’m just doing this to get their attention! I’ll show them! Maybe I can finally WIN their LOVE by behaving this way! ”
In Anorexia for example, the physical body is merely the chosen medium for disguising the deep-seated shame and self-hatred of the Disfavored individual who is immersed in the Depression-Anxiety cluster of symptoms. Anorexia is about social embarrassment, but this is NOT AT ALL about how the body looks, nor the body image, weight, food aversion or even over-indulgence. Rather, the feeling of shame about the SELF is paramount and is associated with the more fundamental feeling of Depression or deeply ingrained sadness about the sense of being unworthy to live! The overall feeling is one of not deserving to be treated with LOVE and respect, and an associated instinctual sense or primal fear that it is embarrassing or socially shameful to be so Depressed and sad about yourself, and dislike yourself so much. It is a feeling of being unfit and undeserving to be alive, and a simultaneous social sense that one would like to bury their head and die. Confidence in the SELF is extremely low and human instinct makes the Depressive-Anxious Anorexic/substance abuser/mentally ill individual feel that admitting their grief and SELF hatred would make them vulnerable and open to attack by others.
On another plane, but in the same effort to preserve their dignity and save face, the criminal or rebellious individual conjures up Anger to hide Depression and vulnerability. By defying society, breaking rules, turning to substance abuse or committing petty and more serious transgressions, they too present us with the challenge to: “figure me out!” And the answer is always the same. All they ever wanted was to be LOVED and cherished as an important person in their own right, one who is worthy of the attention and LOVE of one Prime Love-Giving parent, and especially, MORE SO than their neighboring sibling!
To understand such intangible, invisible dynamics requires sensitivity and a deeper knowledge of the “waves” or movement of diffuse Emotions that occur in humans. These take place without ever being expressed in words and far from the view of others. They are deliberately and willfully hidden, and even exist outside of the awareness of the person in question. Such explanation must also take into account the substantial toll taken by time, memory and denial as the person grows older. In general, treatment of most mental/Emotional ailments calls first for LOVE, respect, validation of self and valuing the person “for who they are” as an entity and worthy human being. It is most important to impress on them that they are genuinely respected, cherished and their concerns taken seriously, Not only should they become convinced that they are worthy of LOVE, but actually made to feel LOVED by those around them FOR WHO THEY ARE.
