DOLIF, the Distribution Of Love In Families, represents almost half a century of this author’s research in child development. The theory was a product of Dr. Vera Rabie’s education, professional psychology practice, hands-on experience raising children, and intimate observation and knowledge of four generations of families. Given the highly personalized nature of the findings, it is doubtful that these discoveries could have been made through traditional research methods.
The author built DOLIF psychology around her discovery of a thus far unknown reality that features Emotional attributes that are exclusive to humans. Two factors in DOLIF Theory, taken together, represent the “holy grail” of the science of psychology. The first is the discovery of an intanglible and invisible LOVE force that travels between parents and children. The second is the Mind of a Child which denotes the Emotional base upon which children function, that works differently from the Adult Mind. These two newfound concepts explain the ultimate psychological source of personality and behavior, something that has been a mystery since the inception of the study of psychology/psychiatry. In other words, by introducing these two new concepts, DOLIF theory unravels the process by which personality and behavior are initiated, how Emotions combine with human Intelligence to form each individual, and how they finally result in a whole, psychologically distinct person.
DOLIF proposes that personality and associated behavior are formed through an invisible, unspoken stream of parental LOVE. This stream of LOVE results in Favor and Disfavor among siblings. As a silent force that permeates all parent-child relationships, this determinant of personality structure and behavior begins in early childhood and extends into adulthood. Personality-building is initiated from the moment we enter this world into our Family of Origin, and lasts at least until our early to mid-teenage years. Unfortunately, once we reach adulthood, our awareness of these Emotional dynamics fades, while the invisible bubble of LOVE in our Mind of a Child continues to thrive and affect us as an undercurrent throughout our lifetime, These early Emotions, feelings and memories are forever ingrained in us and retain their powerful influence, possibly even permeating every cell of our body. With time, they become buried ever deeper inside our psyche until we are hardly aware of them. This forgetfulness occurs partly because our brains and hormones change with age, and partly because once we are grown, we become social beings who are increasingly preoccupied with learning about the real world around us. We move to an Intellectually-based mode of functioning that concerns the realities we face in our daily lives, such as time, money and social propriety. In this way we gradually lose touch with our Emotional selves.
With respect to the phenomenon mentioned above in which feelings and memories become imprinted into every cell in our bodies, I offer an anecdotal diversion to an experiment that provides some tentative proof. In this experiment we take a single-celled aquatic animal such as amoeba and place it into a water-filled maze. The maze is Y-shaped and filled with water, and we place the amoeba at the lower tip or tail of the Y. We then place food at the end of one side of the arms of the Y, say the left arm. At first, amoeba swims randomly to either arm of the Y in search of the food reward. But after a few trials, this single-celled animal learns that food is to be found only on the left side. From that time onward, whenever amoeba is released into the water, it quickly swims directly to the left side, where it finds its reward. But once amoeba gets older, like any other single-celled animal, it reproduces by splitting into two identical cells Now once divided, what will happen to the new learning? Will both new amoebae need to relearn where to find the food ? Will the new learning be transferred to only one of the new cells? Or will the newly learned information reappear in both new cells? The answer is the last option, in that both new cells contain the new learning. This simple experiment indicates that it’s not farfetched to think that in a complicated organism such as a human being, every time we think, feel, interact with our environment or learn new facts. significant chemical changes take place in all our cells, and render them permanently altered. At the same time this same process shapes our complex personalities and behavior.
DOLIF theory concurs with the long researched and well accepted theory of the famous French psychologist, Jean Piaget. His study of human Intellectual development also came out of a longitudinal perspective, and with it, Piaget was able to identify four stages: Sensory-motor, Pre-operations, Concrete Operations and Formal Operations. He theorized that the final stage of Formal Operations is reached at around 14 to 15 years of age. He designated this as a time when childish ways of thinking and feeling are abandoned, and replaced by more adult-style forms of thinking, perception and understanding of the world. However, while Jean Piaget’s theory accurately defines the stages of human Intellectual growth, it does not account for HOW the process of transition between the stages takes place. That is, HOW exactly does one move from one stage to the next. DOLIF theory bridges the intermediary gaps between the stages by focusing on the Emotions that are activated to enable the progression of the process from one stage to the next. It explains precisely HOW Emotions interject to intertwine themselves into Intellectual development and can either help or hinder movement through the Piagetian Inellectual stages. We can conceptualize this process of Emotions becoming intertwined with Intelligence in the same way that the strands of DNA that are intertwined in the double helix of genetics.
DOLIF helps us understand the long term social and motivational effects of parental LOVE on children’s personalities and behavior. So, rather than judge any person by their outward behavior, DOLIF attunes us to the more profound, dynamic reasons behind people’s actions. That is, it allows us to tap into the Emotions that influenced their psychological formation. DOLIF particularly adds to our knowledge about the interplay of the three negative Emotions of Anxiety, Depression and Anger with intellectual development, and goes on to explain that the source of uniqueness of each individual has to do with the particular interplay of their Emotions, such as LOVE, Anxiety, Depression, Guilt, Shame or Anger, with their Intellectual functions such as thinking, logic, reality-testing and ideation. These are the two factors that culminate in the positive or negative behavior we observe from the outside. DOLIF takes into account a child’s feeling of EITHER success and GAIN in self-esteem, OR failure and LOSS of self-esteem in the process of their competition with their sibling over their parents’ LOVE. The theory then follows these same feelings into adulthood, and explains how they lead to greater or lesser degrees of dominance of certain Emotions. This is true especially of the three negative ones. Rather than call the motivations for negative behavior “excuses” that are made up to justify poor behavior, it explains WHY these actions come about through the feelings that underlie them. It explains HOW the individual’s personality and behavior evolved to become the way we see it today. For example in the case of criminal behavior, it prevents us from wondering and consistently asking WHY did you do it, or HOW could you do such a thing?
Due to the accuracy of DOLIF and its insight into the Mind of a Child, people’s personalities and behaviors begin to make sense. We are able to spontaneously figure out the sources of our own and others’ behavior. We learn to designate certain people or behaviors, such as easy-going, calm and generous of spirit as characteristically Favored, while other people and behaviors reflect decidedly Disfavored characteristics such as agitation, aloofness, criticism of others or materialism. In fact, DOLIF theory provides such a high degree of transparency and penetration into psychological development that, once we know about child’s family and siblings at birth, we can predict how their personality and behavior will evolve. If they are adult, we can work back to figure out the reasons why their personality developed the way it did, depending on their Favored or Disfavored status as a child. Consequently treatment for mental illness or behavioral dysfunction can be duly prescribed and is remarkably successful in therapeutic or rehabilitative situations with both children and adults.
Unfortunately DOLIF is difficult for parents, professionals and most adults to accept. This is because, as explained above, adults rely on their Intellectually-based logic and reasoning skills to direct their thinking processes. Locked into what DOLIF defines as the Adult Mind, they have lost touch with their Emotionally sourced Mind of a Child. In Piagetian terms their mind is operating according to his final stage of Formal Operations. So by challenging the reflexive, Adult, logically based feeling that parents should manage their children’s behavior through discipline, DOLIF faces dire controversy because traditional and religious practices as well as Behavioral psychology, or CBT, all combine to reinforce the intuitive inclination of parents toward punishment and regimented training practices that mimic animal training methods – methods parents are inclined to use anyways because it makes Adult-style sense to them.
Another obstacle to accepting DOLIF is that most parents vigorously deny the possibility that they might LOVE one child more than another. Offensive to parents and general social sensibility is that DOLIF theory dares to question parental truthfulness about whether and how much they actually LOVE ALL their children. To a great number of parents the idea that they may be partial or biased and be harboring more Favor or LOVE in their hearts toward one child, while feeling relative Disfavor toward another, is egregious. It conjures up feelings of Guilt, Anger and Defensiveness in parents because they believe they are being unjustly accused. Offensive as well and an area that often causes parents to compete with each other, is the DOLIF-initiated idea that one parent provides more of the kind of LOVE that children crave – that is, the PLG/ALG division. It is an entirely foreign concept that was introduced exclusively by DOLIF and is described in detail in the section devoted to DOLIF theory.
Yet another objection is that DOLIF theory did not originate with formal research, for example such as Pavlov did in his laboratory by causing dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell. DOLIF is entirely based on observational and empirical material that is sourced from the actual dynamics and interactions of children raised in real families over 4-5 decades and more. It evolved because the author’s professional experience showed that current psychological theories and therapy were unproductive in practice. Also in speaking with various practitioners, she found that most identify themselves as “eclectic”, meaning that they do not subscribe to any particular theory, but extract parts of many theories and put them together to pursue their own style of treatment. In fact a quick internet search shows that many anti-psychology and anti-psychiatry movements were initiated about the 1950’s to 60’s and still persist. One such organization that started more recently, indicating the movement is still very much alive, is www.madinamerica.com, and extends over many countries. In fact, most efforts to figure out human behavior, such as psychoanalysis, were abandoned because they failed to enlighten us, advance treatment methods or help desperate clients. But in contrast to formal, grant-supported research, DOLIF theory progressed slowly and painstakingly, over many, many years as the author watched her own and close people’s families. She started by noticing that children were always vying for attention from their parents and regularly engaging in desperate SIBLING RIVALRY, when she could find no apparent reason for their strife. It occurred to her that there must be something the children are responding to, but that adults are missing. This was soon followed by the baffling observation that the personalities and behavior of the first two siblings were routinely opposed to each other. Yet she observed that the parents had not changed their parenting practices when their second child arrived, and were actually making their best efforts to treat their children equally.
Dr. Vera wondered: WHY should the children be fighting so desperately? What could they be needing or wanting? Could their bitter struggle be over LOVE from their parents, for what else could be agitating children so young and have everything they want? Then she thought: Could their desperate SIBLING RIVALRY be due to parental bias – FAVORITISM? Are their parents siding too much with one sibling and causing the other to become jealous of their positive LOVING attachment with the well-behaved child? Are they being biased without realizing it?
As she observed an increasing number of families, another pressing question became: Could one phenomenon be causing the others? Could there be a causal connection between the parents’ FAVORITISM, the children’s SIBLING RIVALRY struggle for attention, and the opposing personalities and behavior in the first two siblings? Above all, she was astounded when she found that ALL these factors were not only observable in every family, but entirely predictable. They were occurring with 100% certainty in ALL the families she watched. It seemed that the children’s SIBLING RIVALRY, competition and fighting, as well as their behavioral and personality outcomes were just the surface or “tip” of an iceberg, and that the fighting was actually an expression of the children’s secret battle to procure more LOVE, or more Favor, than their next born sibling. Now – was it possible that personality and behavior were actually being formed right there by all these unstoppable Emotional goings-on?
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PURSUIT OF PARENTAL LOVE – PART 2
Insert Circle Of Love diagram here
Confirmation of the Favoritism paradigm came when it occurred to me to peek more intimately into the lives of the families close to me – those of my close relatives, friends and neighbors. I discovered that in every family I could clearly see a disparity in the way the parents treated one child as compared with their sibling. I also observed that the first two children were always diametrically opposite in personality. One of them was always compliant and docile, while the next born one, whether older or younger, was more difficult for the parents to handle, and generally less socially appealing or “likeable”. So I asked myself: Could the problem actually be starting with the parents’ attitudes of FAVOR and DISFAVOR? And: Could the disparity in the way the children are perceiving their parents’ LOVE explain WHY their behavior and personalities are so glaringly, diametrically different? In other words, could the parents’ feelings about each child be the reason why they behave the way they do, and are the children simply reacting to the way the parents feel about each of them? I hardly dared contemplate it! Would that assumption be too drastic a leap?
To be honest the more closely I peered, the clearer it became that many a child was obviously being treated less well, or even poorly compared with their sibling, though in my own circle of family and friends I knew of none who were actually being mistreated by their parents. These were all responsible, caring, well-meaning people. Yet I could easily figure out which sibling was Disfavored by their parents compared with the other. But even in those families where I could see no difference in the way the parents were treating the children, the difference in the children’s personalities were still always very obvious!
It was some months later that, to my amazement, I began to tap into what I eventually came to refer to as the distinct and separate Mind of a Child. I invented the term to refer to that alternate world of pure Emotion where ALL children are fully entrenched at ALL times – the SIBLING RIVALRY and parental LOVE-seeking behavior! At the same time though, their parents were routinely 100% decidedly blind to this realm of Emotions, and would object strenuously when I suggested that any other basis of judgement but their own Intellectual one could even exist. It was obvious that their negation was due to the dominance of their Adult Mind, their logic-driven expectations, perceptions, social preferences and biases that mainly centered around having their children behave in compliant, reasonable and conforming ways.
On the children’s part, I could sense too that within each Disfavored child there was intense Anger. This Anger was accompanied by compelling Anxiety, and could quickly turn into deep, cutting sadness or Depression. It would be expressed as protest, self-pity, acting out or tears, but it was always associated with feelings of LOSS of LOVE and LOSS of the SIBLING RIVALRY struggle. On the other hand, among the Favored children, I could sense feelings of elation and euphoria that came from WINNING the SIBLING battle. This feeling was in stark contrast to the Anxieties, Depression and Anger that characterized the Disfavored sibling’s mood next door. This Emotional dynamic of Favoritism, whether it was just perceived by the children or real, was casting a long shadow onto every child’s behavior and developing personality, and affecting every aspect of their lives every minute! In fact, both siblings in every family I observed seemed to exist entirely within, and be completely consumed by, this Favoritism realm of competition and “deciding” how to play out their own role in order to procure their parents’ LOVE. This Mind of a Child was a shocking revelation. It was a new reality beyond our own because of its distinct properties, and it was such a huge departure from our familiar, logical Adult Mind.
By tuning in to the children’s sheer Emotional intensity and compulsion, I soon concluded that the only possible reason that their rivalrous behavior seemed so nonsensical was that it had to be driven by raw human INSTINCT. That is, based on the intensity with which they carried on their fights, rivalrous concerns and obviously utter desperation, the competitive behavior must be as compelling and vital to their existence as birds flying south or ants and bees dying for their queen! Since there appeared to be absolutely no room for compromise, I figured the urge must be coming from their most primitive inner sources, A quick internet search informed me that such instincts are controlled by the basal ganglia located at the base of the brain called MacLean’s triune. This part of our anatomy is the same as the reptilian or primal brain that governs self-preserving behavior and its function is to ensure our survival and that of our species.
My personal opinion is that the urge toward SIBLING RIVALRY most resembles a territorial instinct similar to that we see in animals. Like animals, it forces every child to fight tooth and nail to stake their claim to ALL the parental LOVE ‘territory’ they can corner. In humans though, because of our advanced intellectual capabilities, this instinctual urge compels our offspring to try to achieve their ends through whatever means or behavior they can dream up. In fact, the urge seems so vital that if attention is taken away from a child or if they are deprived of it even for a moment, the urge can express itself in myriad types of attention-seeking behavior. For example, a child might suddenly create a situation where they need help. Or, they may yell for no reason, cause trouble that needs to be fixed on the spot, pull at the telephone or act up just to somehow or other distract their target parent. Any attention-getting tactic seems to be fair game and is used in the hope that it will attract a response, all while with the ultimate goal of decoying parents or caregivers from their opponent and direct attention onto the child’s SELF.
My line of thinking now led to the conclusion that although we parents and other adults might feel that SIBLING RIVALRY is childish and nonsensical and should be dismissed as frivolity, since the competition erupts so often for so many silly, ridiculous-seeming reasons such as fighting over a toy or racing to the front seat of a car, the Emotional compulsion behind the RIVALRY, and its associated choice of behavior is not only exercised with extreme seriousness, completely automatic and reflexive but entirely outside the children’s control! In fact it would mean that THEY CAN’T HELP IT! Specifically, it would mean that
THEY HAVE NO “CHOICE”!
Clear as day I began to reach some basic conclusions. First, we are grossly mistaken when we offer a child a “choice” simply because, due to the “wicked”, overpowering instincts whose spell they are under, they have NO CONTROL AND THEREFORE NO CHOICE!! They DO NOT “choose” to behave the way they do any more than they “choose” the way their personality should develop. That is, when they are immersed in SIBLING RIVALRY with a neighboring sibling, and with their Mind of a Child in full operation at all times, they are consumed, dazed, psychologically drowning in pure instinct and virtually inaccessible to us. One source of proof of this hypothesis is that when we ask them WHY they are behaving badly, such as “Why did you hit your sister” or “Why won’t you put on your proper clothing?”, they always reply with the proverbial, and most annoying “I don’t know”! They are candidly declaring to us that they have no idea where their motivation came from. It means that it’s futile for us to try to get them not to argue with us or fight with their sibling. And again, I found that this was a standard pattern that took place in ALL families and in ALL the Favored and Disfavored children I observed. As stated clearly on the front page of this book, if you ask your naughty child WHY they are behaving badly, the answer from their Mind of a Child is “I’m doing this because you LOVE my sibling more than me!”
So to sum up, the family pattern that eventually develops consists of two fixed rules that are fundamental in DOLIF theory and are NEVER broken. The first rule was that in every family with two parents, much like their children’s natural opposition, for as yet unknown reasons, parents ALWAYS adopt opposing parenting styles. At times, when observing families, this diagnosis of parents was just as difficult to detect as diagnosing the opposing sibling personalities, although eventually it always surfaces. In my own situation, the division among my parents began with the recognition of my feelings about my Prime Love Giving parent and my desperation to WIN his LOVE. Without a doubt my PLG was my father, who was the PLG for the three children in our family. I felt I also loved my mother, but not with the same fervor, and nor was I as deeply Emotionally connected to her as I was with my father. In fact, in conversing with my mother one day I put the question to her as to who she felt was the Prime parent in our family, and she too readily admitted that it was my father who played that role. So since she was also an excellent and fine provider of LOVE, and gave us the critical Support, Stability and Security we all needed to function as well as we did, among many other contributions she made toward the lives of her three children and grandchildren, I named her role the Auxiliary or Additional Love Giver. At the same time since I already had two daughters of my own, it was clear that in my Family of Procreation I was the PLG, while their father was their ALG.
Returning to our original family model with the Circle Of Love, the second rule is that, regardless of the birth order of the children, the first two siblings in a family always divide into opposing personality types. Their personalities are divided more or less along the lines of (A) one who is gentle, compliant and soft-hearted, whom we call the Favored child (F in the diagram) because of their stronger Emotional connection with the PLG. The other, whether the older one or the younger, may then turn out one of two ways: (B) EITHER tougher, more socially savvy, resilient, self-indulgent and hard-nosed, characteristics that fall in line with an Anger-plus-Anxiety adjustment, OR this child may be Depressive and appear more reclusive, anxious, self-effacing or moody, characteristics that fall in line with a Depression-plus-Anxiety adjustment. We call this child the Disfavored sibling (D in the diagram) because of their lesser Emotional connection with the PLG.
As I continued to observe the families of others, the DOLIF pattern seemed to be a standard one that cut across families of every race, sex, color, religion, mental or physical ability, or any other human differentiating factor. At the same time, when I focused intently on those families around me with whom I was intimately familiar, such as my extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins and second cousins or close friends, I was able to track the same model throughout my over 50 years of knowing them and through four generations. They all exhibited the standard pattern in that there was always a split in attitudes and parenting styles, and they all assumed roles as PLG + ALG. Then, Child 1 and Child 2 predictably turned out with either Favored or Disfavored personality traits. Successive children would then break up into their respective subgroups that always included Favored and Disfavored personalities in each grouping. I looked at my own Family of Origin with my parents and two siblings and observed the pattern again. I looked at my Family of Procreation with my own two children, and later at my children’s families with their children, my grandchildren. And not surprisingly, I witnessed exactly the same pattern repeated strangely predictably in every string of siblings. On stacking up all these experiences in the back of my mind I became wise about the children’s motivations and this simple classic formula. Then finally, upon expanding my views to include all of society, I began to clearly see this same typical pattern repeated among all my friends, neighbors, patients, and in fact, everywhere I looked!
My thoughts slowly took the shape of that standard, universal format in which one parent tends to be soft-hearted and indulgent (Prime Love Giver), while the other parent is EITHER more realistic and socially tougher-minded, OR passive or withdrawn from the family’s life (Additional Love Giver)!
I first described this model of psychology in my book of 1995 “They Love You, They Love Me Not, the truth about the family favorite and sibling rivalry“. (HarperCollins Canada, 1995; Barricade Books, US, 1999; Brazil, 2000). But now I faced the uphill battle of convincing parents and professionals about the veracity and validity of my thoughts. Of course, they were not based on hard research but had been conjured up out of my independent historical analysis, curiosity and creativity, as well as emotional and empathic understanding, attentiveness and astute observational skill. Added to this was my extensive educational and experiential knowledge as a professional for so many years in the field of psychology. This combination allowed me to appreciate the enormous significance of the principles I put forward, apply them to all our understanding and interpretation of mental health, and have the deep desire to pass them on to whoever would listen, with little reward or recognition of my efforts.
In time I found that no family, and in fact no human, escapes the DOLIF formula. I can decipher the same play of Emotions – the children’s instinctual search for their parents’ LOVE, the subtle division of familial roles and the endless variety of opposing behavioral and personality outcomes among siblings. I can even trace this paradigm in every family and through every culture. I uncover it unmistakably in storybooks, novels and movies, and throughout all the time and history of humankind as far back as the Judeo-Christian bible. And you too will soon learn do the same because, given the serious consideration it deserves, the DOLIF method should change the entire course of our knowledge and practice of mental health/psychology/psychiatry. As never before, we can use DOLIF to understand, treat, cure, reverse, and even anticipate and prevent mental illness as well as the antisocial and criminal behavior that results from it. DOLIF knowledge undoubtedly places us in a position where we can be in charge and actually avoid negative and socially disruptive outcomes in our progeny and in our collective future.
