In The Mind Of A Child behavior is governed by Emotions and functions very differently from the Adult Mind, which relies on Intellectual logic and reason. Imagine dividing the body at the neck. In the beginning of life when we are babies or little children, we haven’t much knowledge about the world around us. Our commands for action come from the only source available to us at the time – our Emotions or “gut”, which we can imagine as existing below the neck. So in our early lives as children, when we are still using Emotions to guide our behavior, we see uncontrolled, unrefined behavior such as poor manners, lack of consideration for others, poor social judgement, possessiveness, social aggression, selfishness, social reticence, excessive fear or shyness and the like. When we move toward our teenage and adult years there is increasing control over the Emotions by the Intellectual faculties, causing thinking and behavior to slowly become more reasoned, refined and socially conforming to adult standards of propriety. Gradually and through increasing knowledge and adaptation to our surroundings, our previously free-floating Emotions become integrated with the more restraining Intellectual commands for thinking, decision-making and reality-based actions. We take on an increasingly Intellectual style of behavior and interaction with the world around us, now being subject to commands that emanate from above the neck, or what we can imagine to be in the head or brain.
When a child feels Less Loved or Disfavored compared with a sibling, the three negative Emotions of Anxiety, Depression and Anger are all simultaneously aroused in abundance. Of the 3 negative Emotions in DOLIF, Anger and Depression have long been know to be opposite poles. Anxiety always accompanies each of the other two, but it can also exert an influence on its own. In one scenario of Disfavor, Depression plus Anxiety might dominate and we would observe behavior that is directed inward against the self. Such for example is a child who cries easily, whines, is clingy, seems chronically discontented, socially withdrawn, or too shy. Behaviorally to us this child may seem socially Immature, reticent, reclusive or overly fearful. Alternatively, in a child who is feeling Disfavored their Anger plus Anxiety might be aroused. This type of reaction would be directed outward against others, leading to a more socially aggressive or even socially deviant style of behavior such as temper tantrums, hitting, shouting, manipulating, lying, demanding or vengefulness. A third possible behavioral outlet for the Disfavored child is when Anxiety alone takes over, leading to behaviors such as nervousness, clinginess, school phobia, fearfulness, repetitive behaviors, overactivity, OCD or other frequently applied childhood diagnoses such as ADHD.
These three types of Emotional interference with behavior – Depression/Anxiety, Anger/Anxiety or Anxiety alone –are aroused when Emotionally disruptive events interfere with psychological development, such as loss or separation from parents and familiar places, abuse or bullying. DOLIF psychology maintains that, unreasonable though it may seem, in the Mind of a Child, Disfavored status compared with a sibling is by far the most pressing cause of Emotional imbalance. It is Disfavor and the sense of LOSS of social grace and dignity in the home and Family of Origin that is the hidden irritant that stirs up ALL three negative Emotions in full force. The Disfavored position is the most predictable determinant of aberrant personality development and behavior. From there, any additional sources of stress or trauma that a child may encounter throughout childhood and teenhood, such as separation from loved ones or bullying, only exacerbate the original personality structure that began in the Family of Origin with Disfavor compared with the Favored adjacent sibling.
As per the DOLIF formula, in any normal two-sibling family, one sibling always turns out Favored and the other Disfavored. This is due to each child’s instinctive desire to HOG ALL the available LOVE without compromise. In fact, almost all types of psychological decompensations, such as mental illness, substance abuse, criminality or suicide are the result of exactly the same Favoritism dynamics. Some cases may have more extreme outcomes. For example, there are numerous criminals whose behavior, when under a DOLIF lens, becomes clearly understood as rooted in jealousy, envy and basic SIBLING RIVALRY with a Favored adjacent sibling. This happens because Anger is the main Emotion aroused, and remains unresolved. Though undeclared and unstudied, SIBLING RIVALRY seems to have have played a significant role in a multitude of serious crimes. The case of Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, is the most popular one that was described in another blog, where Ted complained many times about his brother David’s better looks, height and poise, and later expressed his rage through random murders.
Close scrutiny shows that there are countless other stories of criminals that are easily explained if one focuses on Favoritism as the main precipitating issue. In all these cases there was one socially well-adjusted, well loved adjacent sibling who was Favored. However, we always find this Favored sibling, though always close by, is “hiding in plain sight” and getting little attention once the crime is committed by the Angry Disfavored sibling. Examples among these are listed in a separate blog. Unfortunately, the Favored siblings are usually not brought into the media reports covering these stories in order to protect their identities. But by virtue of available biographies and reporting of the crimes, a quick study of these criminals shows they were Disfavored and had a Favored sibling right next to them who was raised in the same household with the same set of parents and under the same conditions. In all these cases the Favored sibling of the criminal grew up to become the law-abiding citizen of the two. Since thus far Disfavor is an unknown psychological dynamic, news reports focus on the tragedy of the crime itself, the court proceedings and whether the punishments fit the crimes. Most of all, if the criminal is ever interviewed, they are asked repeatedly “WHY, WHY WHY did you do it?” or “How could you?”, leaving our crime reporters and their audiences completely baffled. In most cases we can assume that the criminal too is equally unable to give a sensible answer!
In sum, DOLIF affirms that when we consider the Mind of a Child, Favored or Disfavored status in the Family of Origin is the most critical, life-altering factor that preoccupies a child every moment of their lives and is the main driving force behind ALL their personality development and behavior. Therefore, whenever we observe social immaturity and a poor social adjustment in the child of an otherwise normally functioning household, we should take this as an ominous sign and always suspect that this child or teenager might be suffering from the Depression/Anxiety problem that is due to their position of Disfavor. Also, when we observe social deviance, this should be our clue that the child might be suffering from feelings of Disfavor where the Anger/Anxiety stream of Emotions has been aroused. Anxiety too might appear through purely Anxiety-related symptoms such as nervousness, fears, phobias, tics and obsessions. These reactions are all outcomes of poor integration of the Emotions with the Intellectual faculties during the period of growth and development and are due to the mental/emotional disruption of falling into a position of DISFAVOR compared with the next born sibling in the Family of Origin!
Continued in: Why On Earth Did You Do It? – Part 2
