Following are six popular myths in psychology that pertain to the way we view our children, how we treat them and how we raise them.
MYTH #1 THAT CHILDREN WANT OR NEED QUALITY TIME WITH THEIR PARENTS (This myth has largely been —- abandoned since the 1990’s)
Not true. QUALITY TIME is an adult invention that children don’t appreciate in terms of their own sense of time and space. What children want and crave most from their parents is QUANTITY TIME. This means they want their parents to just be there, do what they’re supposed to do: cook, clean, adjudicate fights, be together, have light conversation, etc. while they play. QUANTITY TIME gives children a sense of stability, security and belonging to a home and family.
MYTH # 2 THAT ACTING AS A TEAM WITH YOUR PARTNER IS THE BEST WAY TO DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILD
This is nonsense. A Behavioristic or CBT approach advocates CONSISTENCY and persistence when using discipline. Parents are told to present a united front when dealing with their children. This means that they should decide on disciplinary measures, apply them with consistency, and stick together when implementing their plan. In other words, the advice is for parents to act as a TEAM, be consistent, and persist when it comes to dealing with their unruly child.
Experience shows, and DOLF theory recognizes, that when we team up to discipline children, they perceive our united front as a CONSPIRACY! When we act in unison, to the Mind of a Child we are GANGING UP on them! They understand and interpret our attitude as: “You two big guys are getting together and deciding about how to punish (and torment) little old me???” Our CBT-inspired reactions are perceived as a threat and warning directed to their innermost person. So the child responds by feeling frightened, Angry and Depressed. They feel unjustly treated, misunderstood, hurt and insulted. Ultimately, they feel they are being BULLIED, DISCRIMINATED, VICTIMIZED and BETRAYED by the very people who are supposed to LOVE them!
Similar conditions apply to other disciplinary actions that are behaviorally sourced such as TIME OUT, INTERVENTIONS, SCARING THEM STRAIGHT or other. The worst of these are forms of punishment that subject the child to different treatment from others, such a GROUNDING, singling out, scolding, or other similar forms of SOCIAL ISOLATION or HUMILIATION. Some of these punishments amount to SHUNNING, by the surrounding social community, which is known to be the worst form of chastisement for any human being – even worse than being sent to jail! It is not surprising then that criminals, who perpetrate their crimes against others but are immature in their thinking, feel as if they are being victimized themselves, rather than the person they hurt. They think: Why are these people treating me like this when I have been so abused all my life and am the victim here that nobody cares about? If they treat me like this, why shouldn’t I get revenge by treating them badly too?
When our behavior toward a child is programmed to be consistent and persistent in our logical world, it makes good sense to us, but no sense to the child! Moreover, they can easily tell the difference between our Intellectually-generated decision about how to treat them, versus our real LOVE reaction: “Oh, please make noise sweetheart. You know mummy doesn’t like it.” Punishment and reprimand only lead them either to two reactions:
EITHER extreme Anger-motivated, vengeful, SELF-protective, SELF-indulgent thoughts and behaviors:
- WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?
- ONE DAY I’LL GET MY REVENGE
- THE WORLD IS UNFAIR TO ME, SO WHY SHOULD I BE FAIR TO THEM?
all of which might lead to Oppositional Defiant Disorder, criminal behavior, gang membership, murder, etc.
OR extreme Depression-motivated, SELF-deprecating thoughts, behaviors and mental disturbances:
- I’M SO SAD
- NOBODY LOVES ME
- I AM A FAILURE
- all of which leads to humiliation, self-reproach, suicide, self-blame, loss of self worth, withdrawal, self-mutilation, etc. Any and all of these thoughts are potential signs of trouble, leading to MENTAL ILLNESS, SUBSTANCE ABUSE and CRIMINALITY, as well as problems for family dynamics, and eventually for society as a whole.
- MYTH #3 THAT A CHILD UNDERSTANDS THE REASONS BEHIND OUR DISCIPLINE
Inaccurate. Despite our best efforts to explain to them, a child does NOT understand the reasons for why we discipline them. This is because their thinking is too immature to connect the dots intellectually. They are unable to see the connection between their behavior and our logic or reasons for disciplining them. It is a cause-and-effect sequence that requires judgement on their part, which they do not possess in their undeveloped stage. They cannot grasp our reasoning, but think: Why am I being punished? It’s not fair! Why isn’t everyone else being treated like me?
MYTH #4 CHOICE
Not true at all! We often hear parents giving their child a “choice”. But as stated repeatedly in this text, the behavior of a child is driven exclusively by human EMOTIONS and INSTINCTS that are inborn. We should always keep in our minds that in the Mind of a Child, thoughts, feelings and behaviors are driven by these two powerful forces, and NOT by our Intellect or reason. Due to pure hereditary factors that are written into the genes of every person, these instincts, drives and basic urges guide and direct the child’s behavior. So it is that any child is powerless to contain or control them, and has NO CHOICE in how to think or behave!
MYTH #5 THAT MOTHERS or WOMEN ARE BETTER PROVIDERS OF LOVE TO CHILDREN THAN FATHERS or MEN.
Untrue. A CHILD CAN BE MORE EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO A FATHER THAN TO A MOTHER. This myth has enormous repercussions for the legal system when it comes to awarding custody and access in divorce cases, In these cases, mothers have priority and children are most often awarded to them because women are believed to be the best providers of LOVE.
As repeated several times in this text, experience in DOLF methodology indicates that children choose their fathers as often as they choose their mothers as Prime Love Givers or PLG’s, or objects and receivers of their loving feelings. This means that 50% of families have mothers as Prime Love providers or PLG’s to the children, while in the remaining 50% have fathers as the Prime Love provider. In other words, there is a 50-50 chance that either a mother or a father will be the object of loving attachment. As such, separating children from either their father or their mother, if that parent is the PLG, can plunge both the children and the PLG parent into a state of loss, mourning and long term grief.
MYTH #6 THAT IN THERAPY, A FAMILY IN SHOULD BE SEEN ALL TOGETHER
Not true. When a therapist sees a family together, all they are likely to do in the office is FIGHT. This merely repeats the pattern they carry on at home. Worse yet, traditional therapy brings into the fight an uninvolved stranger, the therapist, who tries to be a peacekeeper, and avoid taking sides. The idea behind it seems to be that the therapist is a neutral person with good judgment and people will abide by their recommendations.
The glaring problem is that the therapist, though goodhearted and with the best of intentions, has no understanding of the dynamics behind the behavior s/he is observing. Moreover being an adult her/himself, the therapist, unknowingly and probably even unintentionally, will invariably side with the adults and their way of thinking about the situation.
Lack of knowledge about the dynamics that create the problem prevents them from entering into the and infusing only their own judgement into the situation, the is that, unbeknownst to therapists, every family consists of SMALL FACTIONS OR SUBGROUPS which we learn to identify in DOLF. Some family members truly LOVE EACH OTHER, but SOME DO NOT! As such, it is up to the therapist to define the subgroups of the family, and use this information to enable treatment outcomes.
The best way to do family therapy is to invite the whole family to come in at first and see a few family members at a time, while the rest wait in the waiting room. This way, at the discretion of the therapist, we can see the parents together / just the children / the problem child with one parent / the problem child alone, and so on, while we decide on a diagnosis using the DOLF model and put our treatment method into action.
