Traditional family therapy addresses all members of a family at once. There may be three, four or more people in the therapist’s office together to discuss the family’s problems. But this begs the question: How does therapy in the office differ from the setting at home? If people are fighting at home and are seen in the therapist’s office all together to resolve their differences with each other, their fights are bound to continue. The only difference is that perhaps there will be a little less yelling and swearing and hopefully they will refrain from physically attacking each other while in our presence. In fact this is exactly what happens. They continue to argue while the therapist tries to mediate, but is often caught in the middle.
So, is a therapist there just to be a referee? How should a therapist function in family therapy?
DOLF, the (Distribution Of Love in Families) is essentially a family therapy technique. The method requires that the therapist familiarize themselves with all the members of a family and take everyone into account in order to make an accurate diagnosis. Because this diagnosis is central, it must take place regardless of who actually shows up for the interview. Each person must be diagnosed as to their position either through direct contact or through the descriptions made by other family members. If some family members are unable or unwilling to participate for any reason, as a last resort, the therapist must still make their best inferences based on what they are told by the other members.
The first task is to try to determine from among the parents who is the Prime Love Giver and who is the Additional Love Giver. Next one would undertake to identify the siblings as to their Favored or Disfavored status. Finally, the therapist should decide what Emotional dynamics need to be changed in order to resolve the problem at hand. Again we must be cautioned that any advice given out by the therapist should be communicated with the utmost delicacy and sensitivity, bearing in mind people’s natural resistance to the idea of Favoritism as well as to divisions in familial roles.
The DOLF method does not require that a family be seen together in one room for very long. When I see a family, I see the whole group together only initially and invite everybody to partake and express their feelings. We all meet and greet in the first 15-20 minutes for introductions and a basic explanation of their problem. After that I ask for 2 or 3 family members at a time to remain in my office while the others sit in the waiting area. I may choose to interview the parents as a couple, the children together as a group, one child and one parent, a child and a grandparent (if interested or involved), a child alone, etc. After my discussion with the first grouping, at my discretion, I ask for any number or combination of others to attend for 10 to 20 minutes at a time while the others wait. The combination of people is never prescribed but entirely at my discretion and the result of my quest to diagnose their problems. I do this with a view to figuring out the roles played by the family members and how they fit into the DOLF model. In this way I see everyone, get to ask whatever questions I need to clarify the situation in my mind, and come up with some insights to offer them. In the back of my mind is always the DOLF model, which provides me with the tools to judge exactly how the relationships in this family are structured. I am mainly looking for where LOVE resides with the parents, in terms of who is the PLG and who is the ALG, and how they are distributing their LOVE toward their children.
Once I uncover the family pattern, I attempt to delicately impart my thoughts to both of the parents. I try to make sure that the Prime Love Giver attends at least one or two of the sessions, either with or without the children and, possibly addressing this person in private, I might offer my advice directly, or indirectly. For example, whether addressing the Prime or Additional Love Giver in private, I might make general introductory comments about how I understand the difficulties in raising children, and that children are often stubborn and resist our suggestions about what they should do to get along better at home. I try to be empathetic and explain that I understand it may be difficult to LOVE all their children equally, and that some children may be more pleasing and easier to raise than others. I try to reassure them that this is a normal problem and not a singular one in their family alone. We might talk about when the problems began with their more difficult child, and how they felt the problem progressed over the years. Then gradually and gently, I suggest that, while their LOVE toward one child is very strong, it would be beneficial for all concerned if this bond of LOVE could be loosened just a little, and the bond with their less cooperative child could be strengthened somehow. I make suggestions as well as to how this might be accomplished, such as by making time to spend alone with their difficult child, giving compliments, physical demonstrations of LOVE such as hugs, kisses and pats on the head, helping them with tasks that are challenging for them, etc. In some cases I do not make the recommendations directly, but simply ask that in the next sessions certain members should appear, at which time I attempt to help strengthen the bonds between these members. Although most parents are tuned in to their biases and can understand what I’m trying to convey, as a therapist I make it clear that I understand how hard it is for parents to do as I ask and disregard their child’s overt challenging behavior, as well as their apparent negative personality characteristics. I express my empathy and understanding about how the child naturally provokes their parents’ anger and emotional disturbance, and how this reaction is the same as any adult as well as all of society would likely react. However, at least the parents who have come to consult for treatment have always intuitively felt that what I was saying to them was accurate and hit a sensitive chord, so that they were are more than willing to comply with my advice.
Because of its pinpoint accuracy, the DOLF process takes very few sessions, usually between 1 and 5. People are addressed in the most meaningful terms that make sense to them, real feelings that touch their deepest longings. They go home feeling gratified, contented and satisfied in that “Finally, someone really understands what we’re going through, and knows what to do about it!”
