DOLIF takes account of the childish thinking in the Mind of a Child that is hard for adults to fathom. An aspect of the Mind of a Child that is unknown and unsuspected deals with the way that parents, siblings and in particular, Disfavored people really feel inside both as children and as adults.
Let’s begin by considering the feelings and motivations that underlie a Disfavored child’s behavior. We might think: WHY does this child, much to our dismay, “choose” to pursue a negative stream of behavior and personality style that bothers us and goes against our wishes and social rules? Are they not aware of how annoying they are to us and others, and how much they are disrupting everyone around them? Do they have no conscience or empathy with others? WHY can’t they just follow our rules or act like their Favored next born sibling? Most crucially however, we silently wonder: Could this child’s behavior be coming from their bad genes – in which case they are unfixable? We might ask the same question about our Favored child. HOW is it that this child was astute enough to “choose” a positive stream of behavior that pleases us? From what source did they learn their good behavior? Are they imitating their parents, or just displaying what their good genes are naturally driving them to do? Is pure DNA responsible, and even so, WHY should their behavior be so different from their sibling when they were raised in the same family environment? Finally, parents might ask themselves WHY am I falling so much in LOVE with my Favored child and resenting my Disfavored one so much? Is this just me?
On the other hand, parents also can’t help but think: “We did a good job raising our Favored child, which proves WE are good parents. Therefore the bad behavior of our Disfavored child can NOT be our fault but must be due to this child’s heredity.” Now following the Mind of an Adult it seems to them that since the problem seems to be with their child’s DNA, then it is permanent and unchangeable. So they lament: “Since good and bad genes are distributed randomly and they are nobody’s fault: How unlucky WE are to have had this unruly, irritating, dislikeable child with bad genes.” Now they console themselves with: “Thank goodness we were blessed with one good child – our other prized, beautiful, golden child!” And finally they rally in self defense: “Hush! We must keep this secret to ourselves. Let’s not talk about our problems with this child because if our relatives, friends, neighbors or teachers find out they’ll think badly of us and our family, and we’ll have failed as parents!”
But with the help of DOLIF we should begin to realize that every family is in the same boat. This good-child bad-child syndrome is not an anomaly at all, but a secret that every family keeps. If you look closely at the siblings in neighboring families you will always find one easy child and one difficult child – one ‘angel’ and one ‘devil’. At the very least you will always find opposing sibling personality types. The DOLIF formula tells us that whenever two siblings are born and raised in one family, they turn out opposite every time. It happens with certainty in EVERY family without exception, and most commonly they divide along the lines of one ‘good’ and one ‘bad’ child, although any style of division is possible. According to DOLIF, in longitudinal observational studies that examine the 3 essential negative Emotions of Anxiety, Depression and Anger, we always find one Favored sibling who is compliant, generous and lovable, and one Disfavored sibling who is either Anxious, Depressive or Angry. This occurs spontaneously and cannot be suppressed or avoided. Thus, instead of jumping to the typical conclusion that is on the Mind of every Adult that the Disfavored sibling comes from a bad seed, we should reach outside our usual narrowed adult perspective and ask: WHAT is my child actually thinking and feeling?
We already know that in the children’s quest to be the lone recipient of LOVE from their PLG, the Disfavored sibling ends up taking the only alternate route that they, in their immaturity, can explore and sense is open to them. That is, the instincts of the Disfavored child drive them to be opposite to their sibling, which means being less cooperative, less compliant and less socially pleasant than their Favored counterpart. In their desperation to extract themselves from their dilemma and their instinctual mandate to be opposite, they feel that negative, attention-seeking behavior is the only way they can assert their independence and personal identity without compromising their dignity. So in sum, given their instinctual endowment, they firstly face a desperate drive to seek the maximum possible attention for themselves alone, combined with their vicious, self-preserving urge to debunk their opponent through their only known modality of SIBLING RIVALRY. They are saddled with an instinct to be opposite to their counterpart and a natural repugnance for the gentle personality style adopted by their sibling. And it all appears in the context of a lack of worldly knowledge and poverty of social and logical reasoning. How then is the Disfavored sibling to feel about their precious SELF? They have NO CHOICE. They must fashion themselves to somehow adopt opposite behaviors and attitudes. Unfortunately however, those are the behaviors and attitudes that are usually the ones that WE consider to be negative, challenging and defiant behavior. Moreover, due to their human WILL, pride and sense of self-preservation, they become convinced that their chosen style of behavior is absolutely right and proper, and feel challenged to defend it to the maximum!
So far, we have kept our discussion in the buffer zone, mainly in order to make it more palatable and less offensive for the Adult Mind to absorb. We have addressed the serious negative feelings held by parents toward their Disfavored child, the parents’ self-explanations about the reasons why they hold these feeling and we confessed to the Anger they experience as a result. But the question about how the children actually feel inside about each other has not yet been fully answered. The truth of the matter will jar our conscience, and it is fair to say that very few of us would ever have had the audacity to bring it out in the open or paid much attention to this hidden, unspoken feeling in every Mind of a Child. Yet it is a reaction that anyone who has been a next-born sibling must have felt deep down inside at one time or another. This feeling, which is held mutually by both Favored and Disfavored children, is that
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they truly, genuinely and urgently feel deep inside that if they were to copy, emulate or in any way behave the same way, or even similar to, their sibling, they would be flooded with feelings of repulsion, aversion, emotional disturbance, loss of self-respect and utter ”nausea”!
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In other words, DOLIF Theory finds that BOTH siblings are motivated by more than just an Instinct to be Opposite, as we might understand it with our Adult Minds. It is a strange, elusive but urgent, feeling inside their gut that they so absolutely, decidedly DO NOT WANT to be the same as their sibling, and that they will go to any lengths and measures to avoid it! It is a feeling of genuine repulsion where they will do everything in their power to avoid being the same, or even similar to, their sibling. While many siblings do NOT overtly express that they are so repulsed, many are more forthright, fighting constantly and putting their ANGER and repulsion from each other onto obvious display. It is for certain too that the repulsion goes both ways and that it actually borders on what we can conceive of and refer to in our Adult Minds as true HATRED! They each HATE any trace of resemblance to the other! So much so that EACH ONE HATES WHAT THE OTHER ONE DOES, IS, REPRESENTS OR STANDS FOR. In other words, they feel that whatever their sibling says, does, likes, feels, thinks, looks like, acts like, resembles or reminds them of, as well as all their sibling’s habits, behaviors, personality style and all identifying factors – are all repulsive, odious and utterly nauseating! It is an immutable, instinctive feeling that repels each sibling far from the other, whether overtly or covertly. Fortunately or unfortunately, it also railroads or locks them into behaving within the limited scope of opposite types of behavior or that personal territory they have demarcated for themselves as their own domain of influence.
The process happens in the same way as magnets repel each other, in that the reaction and behavior associated with it is the extreme opposite of attraction. These adjacent siblings feel mental, emotional and even physical aversion to one another. And since their reactions are fueled by the Emotion of Anger, their feelings often border on as pure a HATRED as we can imagine in our Adult Minds. When we look at identical twins to verify our suspicions, we find that the same is just as true. They may dress alike, look alike and even appear to LOVE each other. But we should always be aware that two siblings, who are always inevitable competitors in the same grouping are NEVER, EVER alike inside. And even when they each of them may appear to enjoy the other’s company and they may actually be the best of friends, they neither feel the same way inside nor ever really WANT to be the same person as their sibling.
We witness sibling hostility best when we observe adjacent siblings who don’t get along. Whether they express it in verbal arguing and physical fighting, or if it is underground and camouflaged, their disdain for each other is no secret. Siblings may attack each other physically, or mercilessly, tease, flaunt, embarrass and continually compare their assets and flaws. Or, even if they quietly go in opposite directions and seem to be getting along smoothly, we should not underestimate their natural inner hostility. And, strange as it may seem to us, they compete in every way they can. Regardless of the differences between them such as age, sex or ability, they are NOT capable of taking these facts of reality into consideration as we do. Hence a larger, older or more able sibling will attack a smaller, younger or disabled one with the same viciousness as if they were the same size, age and level of ability. From both the Favored or Disfavored child there may be physical assaults, underhanded gestures, name-calling, telling tales, etc. The dislike of the other one’s chosen style of behavior and entire focus on self-presentation is mutual. The Less Favored one may label their positive counterpart sucky, mama’s boy, daddy’s girl, or other such unpleasantries. Meanwhile, the Favored one is just as vexed and vicious in their attacks. They often consort with the parents to be critical of their Less Favored sibling, and benefit from the comfort and support of adults who often praise them with words and gestures for their more controlled or socially acceptable forms of underhanded aggression. These actions betray the true intent of the behavior that belies the Anger and hostility behind it.
It is important we recognize that BOTH children feel the same way toward each other and that, besides wanting to decimate each other, their repulsion from each other and from the other one’s territory is real and compelling. With equal fervor they each deeply, committedly and sincerely feel that they NEVER WANT to be like their sibling, and would rather do anything, even behave in bizarre ways and risk social and parental disapproval, punishment or ostracism, just to avoid being anything like their opponent!
This feeling of repulsion from each other runs deep and is very real. It is an aspect of the underlying instinctual Anger that is contained and constantly vented by both participants within the confines of their Sibling War over the precious LOVE of their PLG. Though the word ‘hatred’ may seem too strong to us and is a label we may try to avoid, there is no doubt that the animosity and sheer disgust of the other is rampant, pervasive, insidious, and cuts across all levels of their functioning. It is powerful enough that, if not resolved early in life through DOLIF techniques of treatment, despite efforts to ignore, underplay, explain away or socially deny it, the rivalry and mutual hatred, whether spoken or unspoken, is destined to last for a lifetime.
Nevertheless, if DOLIF recommendations are implemented privately by parents early in family life, in that the PLG makes an effort to change their pattern of LOVE and LOVE the child who is feeling Disfavored as much as they LOVE the adjacent Favored sibling, in the long run, parents will enjoy the comfort of knowing that their children will get along better in later life. If the DOLIF protocol is practiced, even for some of the early time while the children are growing up, the entire family will reap the benefit of improved relationships. This is especially true between the Favored and Disfavored siblings, who will get along better, but applies to all concerned. DOLIF tactics promise to reduce conflict and increase harmony among all family members, who will be spared the tension of constant squabbles, Emotional pain and embarrassment. Rather than implosion and self-destruction within the nuclear family microcosm, each member becomes free to thrive and reap the benefits of peace, mutual LOVE, support, and just as we hope and dream, will help each other for their entire lives. The personalities of the siblings at war will surely be positively affected and ultimately better rounded. more socially adjusted and above all, more contented. Mature, realistic, socially empathetic and responsible personalities will emerge. In brief, the Anger of the Disfavored child will be reduced, a positive factor for this one’s development. At the same time the Anger of the Favored child should become increased to service the deficiencies of the Favored personality, in whom Anxiety and Depression are rampant, but Anger is lacking. As siblings, they will become the better friends we always hoped for, who will live their life loving each other, and cooperate with us as we grow older. On a social level, they will be better prepared for the social challenges of their future and better citizens of our society. Above all, our social challenges of mental illness, substance abuse, criminal behavior and suicide will be reduced. With our knowledge of DOLIF treatment too will be vastly improved, resulting in lesser reliance on pharmaceuticals for the relief of the common problems of Anxiety, Depression and Anger.
As a final comfort to parents, the dynamics of peace, mutual LOVE and contentedness that are brought on by the PLG changing their LOVE will remain and endure long after their passing. They can take comfort in knowing that they intervened successfully in their children’s upbringing. Their children’s hatred will dissipate with time and they will gladly care for each other in the future without their parents’ presence and constant monitoring. In other words, they can leave this earth with peace of mind knowing that they created a harmonious and loving family whose members will help each other and have the compassion to help others.
