It seems that humans feel a natural urge to hide feelings of Depression from others. But WHY? The answer reaffirms how Intellectual endowment renders humans so different from animals. Although we don’t really know how animals feel, it seems that the human need to hide Depression comes up spontaneously and instinctively. Without training, our Depression is naturally experienced as embarrassing and socially shameful. The reason may be that Depression feels like a sign of vulnerability. We fear that revealing our Depression will betray our vulnerability to others, making us the target of disrespect or ridicule. So we can call the human urge to hide Depression a social instinct.
As we know through DOLIF, Depression means that through negative experiences in childhood, Anger was aroused that became directed against the SELF. Slowly the feeling grew to produce a poor image of the SELF and if this feeling persists over years, it accumulates to generate ever harsher and more pointed hatred of the SELF, resulting in Depression. Instinct then spontaneously kicks in to tell us that we don’t want others to recognize how much we actually hate our SELF. Naturally the Anxiety associated with Depression also automatically becomes activated and accompanies the Depression. Anxiety, experienced as natural fear in the Depressed person’s heart, further serves to warn them that showing their Depression will make them appear less lovable and less acceptable or socially desirable to others. Therefore, every effort is poured into trying to hide sadness. This is done to avoid the appearance of less lovability to others. And since he world of Emotions is always both a social and comparative exercise, it also means less lovability than others. So displays of Depression translate into a compromised social status by comparison with others. The reason we are inclined to try to keep our inner sadness a secret and avoid the awareness of others, is that we fear they may sense our weakness. If so, they may assume social superiority and take advantage of this to inflict Emotional or physical harm on us.
Any type of aberrant or mentally ill behaviors then, and mainly those that entail Depression or Anxiety begin with this style of thinking. The fundamental problem is a social one that begins with HOW WE THINK OR FEEL ABOUT THE WAY OTHERS MIGHT BE THINKING OR FEELING ABOUT US!
As a child grows into adolescence, there is a gradual accumulation of such experiences in response to others. We harbour a store of our assessments of outsiders’ impressions of us that can be positive or negative. As a small child, one does not consciously or Intellectually think about how others are thinking, nor understand how adults view the world. Rather, as per the Emotional realm described in DOLIF, children only FEEL or SENSE the world around them, especially at first the LOVE or Lack of LOVE that comes from their main LOVE providers, their parents. The questions raised are AM I LOVED OR NOT LOVED by my parents, and AM I LOVED MORE THAN SOMEBODY ELSE OR LESS? This is the most pressing preoccupation in the Mind of a Child, being front and center at all times.
When these Emotional messages are negative in the Family of Origin, meaning the child LOSES the battle with their sibling over LOVE from their Prime Loving Giving parent, this child naturally assumes the Disfavored or less LOVED position. These LESS FAVORED child’s thoughts and Emotions then gradually progress as follows: “I am LESS LOVED than my sibling –> I feel that my parents do not LOVE me as much –> I am so sad that I am NOT LOVED as much as my sibling –> I have lost the most meaningful battle in my life –> I am a LOSER –> I feel I am NOT LOVABLE –> I must not be worthy of their LOVE –> I am a bad person –> I feel sad and Depressed about myself –>They must hate me –> I hate myself as they hate me –> The world is better off without me –> I should die –> I want to die —> I will make myself die (inwardly or outwardly)!” Such are the feelings behind the actions or behavior of a person who develops mental ailments that entail Depression and Anxiety. Even though the person may never express the desire or feeling the need to die, these two feelings present themselves in various degrees and intensities. They then become expressed behaviorally through symptoms that punish the SELF such as OCD, phobia, bipolar, ADHD, substance abuse, eating disorder and even schizophrenia.
As time goes by and the child grows into adolescence, more Intellectual control takes over, and there is an effort to make sense of the experience of LACK of sufficient LOVE from their parents that would or should have been comparable to the LOVE that their Favored sibling got. The Disfavored child’s thinking continues: “I am so ashamed to show my Depression about being LESS LOVED than others. I know I am disliked, even hated by others and unworthy of anyone’s LOVE“. Now the instinct to hide the grief, Depression and its associated Anxiety spontaneously kicks in: “But if I let other people know how hate-worthy I am I will be vulnerable and subject to their ridicule and denigration and they will look down on me. I am so ashamed of my SELF that it makes me want to hurt my SELF. I want to die, so I will do everything I can to kill myself inside, but still NOT let anyone know how badly feel about my SELF.” The thoughts continue as: “I do not want them to know how much I am longing for their LOVE because I am so ashamed that I was not worthy enough to WIN their LOVE. I know this because my sibling was worthy of their LOVE. I hate my sibling because they stole the LOVE I was entitled to. Yet, I NEVER want to be like my sibling! I feel so strongly inside that I want to be different from my sibling, and I will do everything in my power to make that come true. But all my fighting with my parents and sibling seems to do no good. I will never be good enough in our PLG’s eyes or worthy of our parents’ LOVE because my sibling is much more worthy of being LOVED than I am. It’s no use. I’ve failed. I would rather die. But I will act arrogant and proud and hide my feelings behind some stupid symptoms so I can trick them into looking at my behavior and symptoms instead of knowing how I really feel. I’ll do it because I don’t want anyone to know how very badly I really feel inside! We note here the secretive nature of these feelings, as expressed through the Mind of a Child.
Childish, self-destructive thoughts continue to invade their mind: THEY (my parents and others) WILL NEVER GUESS WHY I’M DOING THIS (eating too much or too little, acting out, taking illicit drugs, rebelling, failing in school, bullying other children)!!! Ha ha!!!! See? They’re all worried about feeding me (treating my substance abuse, finding out why I’m such a rebel, breaking the law, refusing to learn)!!! But I know how to do all those things and be a better person. I just don’t want to do what they say right now! I’m just playing a game to fool them all. They don’t know I’m just doing this to get their attention and avoid being like my sibling! I’ll show them! Maybe I can finally WIN their LOVE by behaving this way!! ”
In Anorexia for example, the physical body is merely the chosen medium for disguising the deep-seated shame and self-hatred of the Disfavored individual who is immersed in the Depression-Anxiety cluster of symptoms. Anorexia is about social embarrassment. But this struggle is NOT AT ALL about how the body looks, nor the body image, weight, food aversion or even over-indulgence. Rather it is about the feeling of shame about the SELF. This is the paramount ideation that is associated with feeling of Depression or deeply ingrained sadness about the sense of being unworthy to live! The overall thought and feeling is one of not deserving to be treated with as much LOVE and respect as others, and an associated instinctual sense or primal fear that it is embarrassing or socially shameful to be so Depressed and sad about yourself, and dislike yourself so much. It is a feeling of being unfit and undeserving of LOVE, and a simultaneous social sense that one would like to bury their head and die. Confidence in the SELF is extremely low and human instinct makes the Depressive-Anxious, Anorexic, substance abuser or mentally ill individual feel that admitting their grief and SELF hatred would make them vulnerable and open to attack by others. Hence they resort to the other modalities of behavior we see to disguise these feelings.
On another plane, but in the same effort to preserve their dignity and save face, in the criminal or rebellious individual, Anger is conjured up to hide Depression and vulnerability. By defying society, breaking rules or committing petty or more serious transgressions, they too present us with the challenge of : “figure me out!” And the answer is always the same. All they ever wanted was to be LOVED and cherished as an important person in their own right, one who is worthy of the attention, respect and LOVE of one Prime Love-Giving parent. It begins with the envy of their neighbouring Favored sibling to which they react with a good dose Anger, this powerful feeling spreads to taint all their behavior toward social targets. In other words, even criminals too, who represent the height of Anger through their behavior, do so in a misguided effort to find more LOVE and respect in their world.
To understand such intangible, invisible dynamics requires sensitivity and a deeper knowledge of the “waves” or movement of diffuse Emotions that occur in humans. These take place without ever being expressed in words and far from the view of others. They are deliberately and willfully hidden, and even exist outside of the awareness of the person who harbours them. This explanation must also take into account the substantial toll taken by time, memory and denial as the person grows older. As well, treatment of most mental/Emotional ailments calls first for LOVE, respect, validation of self and valuing of the person “for who they are” as an entity and human who is worthy of being LOVED. It is most important to impress on them that they are genuinely respected, cherished and their concerns taken seriously, Not only should they become convinced that they are worthy of LOVE, but actually made to feel LOVED by those around them FOR WHO THEY ARE.
