Our lives are riddled with Competition, Rivalry and outright Jealousy! DOLIF alerts us that the urge to compete is is embedded at the primal level of the human psyche. It is a drive that is as archaic as our DNA and engulfs every aspect of our beings, even in many ways we may hardly suspect.
Popular culture deems Competition as ‘healthy’. But its close cousin Rivalry is supposedly ‘unhealthy’. This is because we attach Anger or hostile intent to Rivalry, and associate it with our dreaded feelings of Jealousy of others that we would rather avoid mentioning. But in keeping with the Angry intent behind both these feelings and their associated Anxiety, DOLIF suggests that we look upon it as a continuum of aggression where Competition implies a low level of aggression, Rivalry a higher level, and Jealousy implies the ultimate Angry sentiment
Competition ______________________Rivalry____________________Jealousy
(least Anger) (more Anger) (most Anger)
In DOLIF, Competition, Rivalry and even Jealousy are rooted in the fundamental negative Emotion of Anger. Although it may be unpleasant to confront, DOLIF considers Anger to be central to the human condition and something that ALL humans naturally possess. With its standard companion of Anxiety, our Anger spurs primitive feelings of territorialism. These feelings center around SELF-preservation and permeate every aspect of our lives. Originating and emerging from our Angry Emotions then, our feelings of Competition, Rivalry and even Jealousy are a universal human drive that impels us to perceive anyone who enters our territory, personal space or field of endeavor as a threat or natural enemy!
Instances of our sense of Competition, Rivalry and outright Jealousy are aroused in infancy as soon as we perceive a sibling who is vying for the same POT of LOVE from our LOVE-providing PLG parent. We might first become aware of our rivalries as early as our primary school days, when we instinctively feel the urge to Compete and Rival with our peers to get better grades or become the object of praise of our teachers. Later by our teen years and into adulthood we feel Competition, Rivalry, Jealousy and even greed to accumulate enough or more than enough possessions, money and material goods to satisfy our needs and those of our loved ones. We often even do this to the detriment of our closest contacts, such as family members, friends, neighbors or acquaintances. We do this by overtly or covertly blocking them out of our field or keeping our valuable information secret from them. For example, in business, sales and advertising, agencies engage in fierce Competition and Rivalry to promote their own products and WIN over customers from their competitors, while in sports we strive to perform our “personal best”, or even surpass it, just to outdo our competitors. Competition and Rivalry thrive in nature too where animals fight openly for territory, mates and food. And as we know, these conflicts in the wild actually escalate into bloodiness, injury and can end in the death of one of the competitors.
On the bright side, if it weren’t for these challenges from others who seek to displace us, we might never set a record, show off our trophies and awards, take pride in high marks, change our sales tactics, advertise, or work to improve ourselves. There would be no compelling reason to go forward, and little incentive to reach great heights.
Now DOLIF delves further through our new understanding of the primitive thinking in the Mind of a Child. It informs us that wherever there is Competition and Rivalry, especially with an adjacent sibling, the Mind of a Child always looks for a WINNER and a LOSER! This is because children, under the influence of their primal Emotions, are always keeping score about LOVE and wondering “Who is getting MORE LOVE and who is getting LESS?” They focus their little eyes and minds on each other and constantly monitor what their rival sibling is doing. Their objective is to compare what acclaim either of them might be gaining from their behavior. The primordial source of their Competition and Rivalry is, as it always was, the amount of LOVE or invisible ‘gold dust’ they perceive falling through the air from their PLG parent.
But here is the important part for adults to bear in mind. The resulting ‘choice’ of HOW any child ultimately behaves at any moment is based on the instincts and Emotions that compel them to be unique and above all, better and different from their sibling! The child’s behavior is NOT based on the behavior we see on the outside and judge them by. It is important for us to bear in mind that children, especially small children, have NO idea about what we prefer or consider to be ‘good behavior’, and what we prefer or consider to be ‘bad behavior’! In reality, the mode of behavior that each one ‘chooses’ to pursue, as far as our knowledge takes us today, is RANDOM! It is an Emotional choice that is guided by the Mind of a Child and NOT AT ALL an Intellectual decision about HOW they should be behaving, as our Adult Mind might construe. For this reason the behavior of a child at any particular moment, such as screaming, whining, protesting or smiling back and complying with our demands may be what WE consider “good”, or “bad” behavior. However, to the Mind of a Child the ONLY consideration is that it should both, and at the same time, garner the LOVE of their PLG and NOT be the same behavior as their sibling so that it uniquely identifies them alone!
Adults should realize that the comparison of the SELF with the adjacent sibling is continual, persistent and all-consuming! And although it may go unspoken, the urge or Emotion that powers it never ends nor pauses for a moment’s rest. To the Mind of a Child every little conflict matters, so that while the toy or lollipop they are fighting for at the moment may look like the coveted prize, they are really seeking the intangible reward of parental acknowledgment or LOVE that they may or may not get for their behavior.
So we may be surprised to find that when we plead with them to resolve their conflict, one sibling, whose goal it is to try to WIN the battle by using compliance and conventionally condoned behavior to attract our LOVE, more readily agrees to give in. This is the one who usually ends up WINNING our approval and LOVE and gaining the Favored position in our hearts. The other sibling, charged with their own Anger and Anxiety and not knowing what opposite direction to take but still desperately attempting to WIN our LOVE, may pout, kick up a fuss, provoke the other or resort to using brute force to start a fight in their bid to WIN the LOVE. No doubt that this annoys and disappoints their caregivers. Alternatively, this LOSER may react with methods that betray Depression and Anxiety, turning to behavior such as sulking, pouting, crying or reporting their sibling to superiors.
Unlike the animal world then, in the children’s world and the Mind of a Child, the WINNER of the battle gains access to the coveted prize of LOVE and Favor in the eyes of their PLG. In the human world the child’s reward is approval, social praise and recognition. In their mind, this raises them to the level of gaining the satisfaction of achieving the coveted Favored position at home and reaping the social rewards that come with it. In the meantime, with every such choice, in the mind of the LOSER or Disfavored one, social acclaim, popularity and the feeling of gaining LOVE languishes. Negative Emotions of Anxiety, Depression and Anger mount inside them. And unfortunately we, on the other hand, react with our own displeasure and reciprocal Anger.
This again is where the effect of greater Intelligence in the human child, in contrast to animals, intervenes and becomes critical in their decision about how to respond with behavior to a crisis of LOVE. In DOLIF human Intelligence refers NOT to IQ, but to the natural ability of every person to use their Intellectual endowment or mind by mixing it with their Emotions and navigating their way through life. In the SIBLING RIVALRY situation, human Intelligence enables every child to form a continual log or memory of previous rounds of the Rivalry and the results of those altercations. In other words, Who WON our previous disputes? This becomes the Intellectually driven question, along with repeated assessments of the “fairness” or relative equality of how they were each treated in those historical instances.
As the Favored and Disfavored positions become increasingly solidified and defined with age, the Emotional commitment and internal intensity of the children’s disputes grows. The siblings become more and more entrenched in their particular style or “choice” of reactions and behavior in their own lives, more embroiled in their altercations and more set in their “chosen” ways of behaving and defining themselves. And of course, the one who is remembered as the more constant and consistent WINNER of the LOVE of the PLG reaps the benefits of becoming the overall more LOVED or Favored one in the long term. For obvious reasons, this participant is usually the one who behaves in the compliant, good-natured, easy-going manner, and over time these characteristics become imprinted and solidified as part of their personality. Anger becomes less and less until it is in short supply in this individual. This sibling has far less reason to resort to Anger or Depression, as well as far less Anxiety attached to their “chosen” style of behavior.
In the meantime the Disfavored one becomes increasingly entangled in all of the 3 negative Emotions, and feels forced to resort to behavior that is unsavory to others in order to gain their share of attention and Emotional nurturance. As ALL 3 negative Emotions of Anxiety, Depression and Anger flood the mind, heart and sense of SELF-worth of the Disfavored sibling, this LOSER and LESS FAVORED child is doomed to suffer the fate of their second-rate position, while their arch adversary basks in the glory of feeling LOVED, coddled, protected and Favored by comparison!
Now if we take a close look at the LOSER and judge the fairness of their situation, we find that this child is actually and in reality missing out or short-changed in their share of the coveted prize of LOVE – to which, by all measures of fairness, they are legitimately entitled as a sibling! If we are in fact to be objective we must admit that, compared with their sibling, they are indeed getting LESS LOVE! First and foremost, in reality, they have lost out on, and managed to garner, far LESS of the precious LOVE of their PLG that they instinctively feel they so badly need and are entitled to. But as if that isn’t enough, the the added insult is the continual comparison with the ‘goody-goody’ sibling next door who is actually getting MORE LOVE! The presence of this ‘next door neighbour’ or WINNER of the battle is a constant reminder to them of their bitter LOSS. The adjacent sibling may even, with or without our knowledge, be gloating and reveling over the positive reinforcements of LOVE, social recognition and acclaim they are getting. Whether they do or not gloat, the Emotional scars of disgrace, shame and social humiliation in comparison with the sibling accumulate anyways to add to their distress. To The Mind of a Child these factors compound to become the greatest LOSS of all, besides death itself, or the death of their PLG, in the space of their lifetime!
The LOSER of course is brokenhearted and forlorn over their LOSS of social status in the family. However, due of the continuous impingement of inborn instincts on this child’s thoughts, the LOSER can NEITHER give up their hardline position NOR let go of their ultimate goal to WIN THE LOVE! They are still compelled to follow their undying instincts to try to WIN the Sibling Rivalry battle at all costs! Understandably, Anxiety and Anger mount and take over her/his Mind of a Child, bringing with them the barrage of stubbornness, rigidity and defiance that we routinely find as their response to LOSING the battle. Like anybody who feels outdone and cheated, they hold on to their resentment and grudge, succumbing to their cache of burning Angry, Anxious and/or Depressive Emotion. And now, due to the lack of Intellectual influence over their behavior in the early stages of life, Instinctual urges and raw Emotions break through. They cascade into thinking and permeate behavior, bumping out good judgment and blocking logical thoughts and actions. Positive, socially controlled behavior is pushed aside in favor of behavior that is unleashed by virtue of its immersion in the negative Emotions. As we recall from previous blogs about the Anger/Depression seesaw, Anger, as an externalizing agent, causes outward and socially directed negative behavior that accuses and blames others. So when Anger dominates, we observe acting out behaviors such as hitting, frowning, pouting, threats, disobedience, verbal aggression, rebellion, oppositionalism, and the like.
Alternatively, Depression as the internalizing agent with Anger and Anxiety at its base, causes these negative feelings to be directed inward to attack and discredit the SELF. This child displays their Depressive side in ways that display deep sadness about their own SELF-image. The child unveils their profoundly distressing sense of LOSS and comparative feelings of Disfavor either through inwardly-directed negative gestures and behaviors that demand the attention of others to their plight such as sulking, crying and whining, or destruction of the SELF such as self-isolation, self-mutilation, school failure, depressive disorders, mental disturbance or illness, and such.
Particularly where there is an extended period of LOSS of social status in the form of persistent Disfavor in the family structure, with its adjunct of humiliation of one sibling, combined with comparative Favor consistently shown toward the other in early life, the pain of sensing this partiality is unbearable for the Mind of a Child. Added to it are those invisible exchanges of the precious LOVE between the Favored child and PLG when they exchange the covert, unvoiced, fleeting, intangible, but deeply felt and sensed signals of affection of the heart and soul toward the Favored sibling. Distressing as well are the overt gestures of precious LOVE such as taking the Favored one on their lap, smiling at them, hugging them or stroking their head. In all these interactions, the child who has LOST the Sibling Struggle, the greatest gift in life, is left feeling alone, abandoned, Anxious, Angry and deeply saddened.
For the LOSER, the immediate sense of LOSS has the direct effect of diminishing their sense of SELF-worth. It also leaves them either ashamed and guilty about wanting to decimate their opponent (Depressive reaction), or feeling enough Anger (Angry reaction) to hurt their sibling adversary, or both. On the surface, it may look as if they are mainly expressing Anger toward the opponent. But LOSING the battle always brings on deep Depression too! As expressions of comparative rejection, this combination of Anxiety, Depression, Anger as well as humiliation and feelings of low social status and reduced SELF-esteem deals a maximal jolt of Emotional pain from all 3 negative Emotions simultaneously! It is for this reason that we should also always remember to seek out the Depressive side of dysfunctional hostile behavior, such as extreme rebellion or criminal activity. Even though we may see the Angry behavior on the outside, we should recognize that the underlying feeling is always deep Depression about the negative comparison with a sibling who, by all objective judgements, may look ‘perfect’ to us by comparison!
In later blogs we will begin to understand how these Competitive and Rivalrous feelings actually underlie aberrant behavior, most notably criminal action. They are also the principal source of motivation for milder forms of aggression such as social greed, social brashness and just common bossy, arrogant behavior or pushy attitudes toward others. These attitudes or social postures play a significant role in politics and interpersonal methods of achieving domination over others.
