They say that art mimics life, and artists themselves are an intuitive and Emotional group. In movies, books and fairy tales we find recurring themes of competition, Sibling Rivalry, Favoritism and jealousy among family members. For example, East of Eden is a movie based on John Steinbeck’s novel about a father of two boys who clearly and consistently Favors one son over the other. His extreme bias makes the life of his Disfavored son miserable and arduous, and although the boy struggles to prove his worth, his father relentlessly denigrates him. Another movie popular in its time is Ordinary People, the story of a mother, Mary Tyler-Moore, who strongly Favors one son. But when the Favored son dies in an accident, her dislike of the surviving Disfavored brother comes into stark focus, immensely compounding the family’s grief. In the movie Walk The Line the real-life story of country singer Johnny Cash reiterates this theme when a beloved Favored child is lost in an accident, and the parents’ resentment of the surviving Disfavored child comes into focus. More examples of high competitive Emotions are found in fairy tales where Stepmothers are often portrayed as evil, as in the classic tale of Snow White where the wicked stepmother is jealous of her beautiful, innocent stepchild and banishes her from home, though a happy ending comes when she is rescued by a tribe of benevolent dwarfs. In Cinderella the wicked stepmother Favors her own ugly daughters over her husband’s child, leaving little Cinderella isolated to cook, clean, serve the others and fend for herself. In Hansel and Gretel the evil stepmother tries to rid herself of the burden of caring for her two stepchildren by sending them away unprotected into potential danger.
Besides featuring the common family issues of Sibling Rivalry, Favoritism and jealousy, some of these stories actually highlight another salient family problem that is taboo and nearly sacrilege to discuss. That is parental envy and jealousy of children. The subject has never before been broached in psychological circles, probably because of the “fault” or “blame” it places on parents. CBT or Behavioral psychology, because it is built from the perspective of adults, tends to pander to the viewpoint of parents. Rather than find fault with parents, it blames children for their faulty childish behavior and negative influence on family dynamics.
To put it clearly, DOLF introduces the idea that, more than we care to imagine, parents are envious of their own children, whether biological, adopted or stepchildren. Shocking as it may seem, parental jealousy of children is a very devastating, though unspoken matter. It is an issue that is more common than we dare to believe and needs to be addressed not only because it goes on underground, tends to be denied and resists investigation, but mainly because it causes a great deal of Emotional distress for children. Usually, the jealousy is that of a parent toward their same-sex child. So, we refer here to mothers who are jealous of their own daughters, and fathers who are envious of their own sons. The overriding concern here is that a deeper understanding of this parent-child dynamic should take precedence over defensiveness, regardless of the culpability of either party involved. We will discuss this problem in greater detail in another context. (See blogs titled: Parental Jealousy, Mother to Daughter and Parental Jealousy, Father to Son)
In addition to biological children, stepchildren pose related problems of parental jealousy. Precisely as depicted in the fairytales, and contrary to popular belief that step-parenting can be a smooth ride and a source of new-found pleasure for all the family members, stepparents do become jealous of their stepchildren. If you think about it, a new step-parent naturally hopes to seek the full undivided attention of their new spouse. Unfortunately however, if they intend to occupy the same household with a parent who is already a Prime Love Giver to their children, whether this PLG parent is a woman or a man, the stepparent should anticipate that this is a spouse who is vitally attached to their own children, and to whom the children are vitally attached in return. They should accordingly be prepared to face the competition of irrational children who are already Emotionally connected with their PLG parent and with whom they have had a loving relationship for all their natural lives. Alternatively, if the parent with whom the stepparent resides is not the PLG for the children, things might go more smoothly, though one should be prepared to face the mourning reaction of children who have at the same time lost their own main Emotional feeding ground.
Soap operas supply ample grounds for competitive, conflictual situations such as these, and the complex Emotions they stir up. Though the study of psychology is still oblivious to these underground waves of Emotion, the storylines of authors and writers often revolve around these intense, critical jealousies that are fueled by Anger and Anxiety. They highlight the intense Emotional energy behind most of these situations, and expose the desperate scheming and plotting that goes on behind the scenes when these Emotions are aroused.
