DOLF is a standard, universal and predictable formula. As per the diagram below, it does not change except with the addition of more children. This is because it gets its structure NOT from our common imaginings or personal opinions about behavior, but from the fixed Instincts and Emotions that every human child brings into the world with them.
To recap, the first Instinct of any child is to look around, compare themselves with the sibling(s) who are close in age, and embark on a frenzied SIBLING RIVALRY with the one(s) who seem to pose the greatest threat of claiming their entitlement to the POT of LOVE with the family’s Prime Love Giving parent. That is, each child tries to seize as much LOVE as possible from their PLG, and decimate their rival sibling. Next, they both seek to be opposite to their next born sibling in personality and behavior. As long as there are only 2 children in the family, their rivalry and opposition will be only with each other. In this case, one child Emotionally attaches her/himself to the Prime LOVE providing parent, or PLG, and in return the PLG becomes attached to this child. It creates an Inner Circle of Love with one Favored child who is pleasant, compliant and jovial, and one Disfavored child who is subject to Anxiety, Depression and Anger. An Outer Circle of Love also emerges in which the Additional Love Giving parent, or ALG, binds the family together and adds the critical feelings of Support, Security, Stability, as well as a sense of “Belonging” to a group.
The Third Child
When a third child arrives, they DO NOT join in the rivalry that already exists between their two older siblings. And since they have no immediate rivals, this child is free from any of the upsetting Emotions that surround the Sibling Rivalry struggle that is already in progress and continuous between the first two siblings. In DOLIF terms then, a third child is always considered Favored, and therefore characterized by a typically Favored personality structure that is gentle, fun-loving, easy-going and lovable.
However, there are enormous caveats of which we need to be aware. Naturally, third children learn lessons from their interactions with their two older siblings, which in addition to normal “play” among siblings, are lessons that revolve around self-defense and social conflict. Under ideal circumstances when the personality of a third child is NOT challenged by certain interferences from either of the other two (explained below), they tend to have sufficient, healthy amounts of the 3 necessary negative Emotions. That is, they foster a good amount of spontaneous Anger, combined with a healthy mixture of Anxiety as well as an adequate dose of Depression, all of which are the components of a well-balanced, normal personality. In general, this means that their negative Emotions are sufficient to defend and protect their personality, but yet do NOT overwhelm or disrupt their overall positive Favored disposition. In all, what we would consider an ideal balance.
The Danger For The Third Sibling
Although a third child is mostly privileged, Favored and ideally located in the sibline, there can be dangers for this position. Even though their personality structure is mild-mannered, easy-going, generous of spirit and lovable, the status of the third child becomes complicated by that ongoing cutting Emotional conflict between their first two siblings. As the “baby” of the family, the third child tends to be an object of LOVE and indulgence for ALL the elders. This includes not only the parents but also the two older siblings, who may both feel warm, loving and sympathetic toward this sweet youngest baby member. However, since one of the older two is already feeling Disfavored in their own grouping with their natural rival, whether they be the first or second born, this Disfavored sibling from the first group may target the youngest one for torment, since this third child is of a more gentle, Favored nature!
This dynamic is NOT a rivalry, though it can easily be mistaken for one because it seems to bear the same qualities and intensity, and involve as much actual arguing and fighting as a true Sibling Rivalry. It takes place when the existing Disfavored older child, whether the first or second born, feels highly Anxious, agitated and Angry in their own ongoing Sibling Rivalry with their natural opponent, the first or second one, but senses that they themselves are so completely ousted from the loving PLG-Favored-child Emotional connection in the Inner Circle of Love, that there is no possibility of breaking into that tight space. They may find that they are out-witted and out-maneuvered by their Favored next-born sibling, whether the oldest or middle child, and that the ties this rival child has with the PLG in their Inner Circle of Love are so strong and binding that they themselves, as the Disfavored one in their own grouping, have little hope of ever penetrating or usurping that exclusive LOVE connection between their rival sibling and the PLG! Now frustrated, and with their Anxiety, Depression and Anger always close at hand, this older Disfavored child finds it easier to direct their Anger onto the youngest and smallest family member, effectively “picking on” them! Not only do they have greater skills at hand due to being older, but it is important to note that the style of this attack, as any that is initiated by Sibling Rivalry urges, is extremely vicious and insidious. In fact, the attack by the older child against the youngest one consists of a relentless campaign of torment that is designed to rob this younger one of any personal pride, dignity or sense of accomplishment – in the same way as it might have done for their natural rival, whether first or second. So unfortunately for the sweet-tempered, innocent Favored third child, the situation can be no less than disastrous!
Now the older, frustrated Disfavored child, on failing in their Sibling Rivalry pursuit with their natural opponent, can turn their Anxiety and Anger toward Child 3, the weakest, most vulnerable and easiest prey on whom to vent their burning resentment and hostility. In our adult reality we might wonder: WHY is this older child is obsessively picking fights, belittling and targeting our youngest baby for such harsh and merciless criticism and causing them agony? We wonder why it should take place despite the age difference, which may be four, five, six years or even more. We blatantly witness the torment, which may be subtle, mild and insidious, such as name-calling, taunting and belittling. Or it can escalate to merciless overt Anger displayed as picking physical or verbal fights, teasing, or otherwise inappropriately taking on the vulnerable youngest child for fierce competitions that undermine their SELF esteem. Sometimes, the undertones of these hostile gestures, fueled by Anger and Anxiety, may be hardly visible or detectable to us, and might seem like simple child’s play. But we often find it takes on ludicrous proportions and the continuous arguing, teasing and fighting with the baby strikes us as extremely immature because of the obvious age difference. It might look like constant bickering and teasing of the youngest child, such as confiscating their favorite toy, pacifier or teddy, or attacking them physically by hitting, pushing or bullying. We wonder “Why is this older child obsessed with tormenting their sweet, innocent, harmless baby? It hurts us to see that it is extremely Anxiety-provoking and irritating for the younger child since the older one, being more experienced, uses all their resources to press exactly the right buttons to peak this youngest one’s Anxiety by repeatedly engaging them in meaningless, defeating horseplay. With time and repetition the youngest child’s Anxiety is constantly raised to intolerable levels. With the SELF under such constant insidious attack, there often develops an accumulation of Anxiety about self-worth in the youngest one, accompanied by possible increasingly severe reactions. These reactions may consist of Anxiety alone, Anger plus Anxiety, and/or most commonly, Depression plus Anxiety.
But if we seek to resolve the problem we should recognize through DOLIF that this hostile dynamic, where an older sibling relentlessly targets and picks on the littlest one for abuse, is actually a distraction and a trap that we should not fall into believing! We must not be distracted and tricked into believing that the disgruntled Disfavored child is actually competing with the baby. DOLIF alerts us that our awareness and energies should NOT be geared toward disciplining the older Angry Disfavored child, but in comforting and consoling this child. This is because DOLIF instructs us about the frustration of the older child, whether oldest or middle, in breaking into the Circle Of Love between the PLG and rival sibling. We should therefore react to this upsetting scenario by channeling more parental Love in the direction of the Disfavored sibling in comparison with the neighboring Favored one, whether this be the oldest or middle child. No doubt it is absolutely incumbent upon parents to protect the littlest one from the torment brought on by this older child, while at the same time not failing to recognize the distress of the child who is the tormentor and diverting MORE LOVE to this child.
The result of this kind of adjustment among the 3 siblings, in which an older sibling picks on and torments the youngest, can be one of the most devastating styles of interaction for the baby of the family. If not treated by a a change in LOVE by the PLG, in time it is not unusual for the third child to become severely depressed, severely Anxious, severely Angry or any combination of the 3 negative Emotions. I have witnessed many of these cases of third children who have Anxiety problems, such as OCD and ADHD, as well as problems with Depression, such as anorexia or poor academics, where the third child may seem to be too shy, self-effacing and almost intellectually deficient or stupid. Unfortunately too, where Anxiety and Depression are pushed to the extreme, even SUICIDE becomes a very real possibility.
N.B. *For reasons that have yet to be unearthed and researched that reflect the inherent differences between the masculine and feminine genders, the dynamic of Depression/Anxiety in these cases presents a particular threat when the third child is FEMALE! Experience dictates that when a third child is chronically targeted for torment by an older sibling who is feeling Disfavored, and when this youngest child is FEMALE, her mental health outcome, prognosis or ultimate Emotional adjustment is far worse than if the third baby is MALE. Observational study by this author has shown that the outcome is far more optimistic and positive for the future of the youngest child’s personality development when the youngest child being targeted by an older Disfavored sibling is MALE. The outcome may also be somewhat more tolerable when the dissatisfied Disfavored child and the youngest one are of opposite genders, or if the age differences are very large, although in general, the same rules apply and parental intervention is always required to mitigate the torment.
All that being said, the life of many a third child should, and often does, go on quite smoothly without too much interference from either of the two older siblings, who are most often too entrenched in their own struggles to pay attention beyond their small circle of rivalry. The third child is generally coddled and doted on by parents and other benevolent caregivers, including one or other of the older siblings. In fact, barring the possibility of potential torment by a Disfavored older sibling, the position of third child is probably one of the most advantageous for personality development. This is due to a combination. First is the Favored personality base with the exposure to sufficient Anger and conflict in the social environment with the older siblings constantly fighting. This balances out any potential oversupply of Anxiety and Depression in their personality. The strategic position of a third child provides them with the necessary dose of Anger that helps neutralize their Anxiety and Depression by supplying the necessary defensiveness they need to survive in the future. It neutralizes the soft traits that would otherwise be typical of a Favored person, balancing out the negative Emotions in their overall personality structure. However, privileged as this position may seems, the picture changes drastically again if and when a fourth child joins the scene!!
Continued in More Kids – The Fourth Child
