A Woman Who Wanted to Protect Her Father
A young woman of 27 years came in and informed me that she was very depressed. She had spent a three weeks as an in-patient at a hospital. Upon her release, she had returned to work for two weeks, but found she was too depressed to cope. She took leave from her work again and returned to the hospital to attend a daily program as an out-patient by order of her psychiatrist. On her own she decided to add another venue of treatment and come to consult with me.
The woman related that she was living at home with her parents and had a one-year-old daughter. She and her boyfriend had been living in her parents’ basement, but shortly after she gave birth to their daughter, her boyfriend had left her, abandoning her and her child. However, she informed me she had a good job that paid the insurance for her time on sick leave, and she felt lucky because she could leave her daughter in her parents’ care while she went out to work to earn her own money without relying on them for financial support.
My client explained that while she was content that she could live rent free and had built-in babysitters, she was still bothered about living with her parents because they were always fighting and she could constantly hear them quarreling from downstairs, which made her upset and disturbed her daughter. She related that her parents had been in the same turbulent relationship throughout her childhood and that she remembered them always arguing loudly, noting that her younger brother had left home early because he couldn’t stand it. She described her mother as highly manipulative and explosive, remarking: “You never know where her head is at! She just jumps on you and criticizes you and accuses you of stuff you didn’t do or tells you all the things you should have done!” She informed me that this was particularly true in regard to her father, who bore the brunt of her mother’s wrath and was the constant object of her verbal abuse. She said her mother would often call her father a stupid, useless man who couldn’t stand up for himself and didn’t earn enough money. She remarked that these tirades from her mother made him feel sad, and that both she and her brother felt very badly for him, describing her father as a very gentle soul who was often moved to tears because he felt so distraught. She said he was a kind and smart man, and confided she thought he might have achieved a lot more in his life if he were not subjected to his wife’s constant pressure and ridicule. My patient became visibly angry when she confided to me that she did not understand why her father tolerated her mother’s moods and mean attitude. She added that both she and her brother had told him many times that they recognized their mother was abusive and assured him that he need not stay with her for their sake because they would support him if he ever left her, and would not abandon him.
The girl noted that among their close friends and relatives, her mother had a reputation as crazy. She mentioned that there was even an unspoken signal or secret way of communicating that went on between herself, her brother and her father, so that any time they could sense their mother was coming close to an outburst, they would look at each other a certain way. Then they would either try to extract themselves from the situation, create some kind of distraction or do whatever they could think of to stop the tantrum from coming on.
Through DOLIF analysis it was clear to me that in this case the father was the Prime Loving parent since he was far more sensitive to the children’s needs than his wife. Whether my client was actually the Favored or the Disfavored one of the two siblings in the family, was not clear. However, I had recognized through her descriptions that there was a very strong bond between herself and her father, and that her sympathies were very much aligned with him. The fact that she had not left the home like her brother, even though she was the older one, also indicated that most likely she was the Favored sibling. Still, why had she not left home to preserve her own sanity like her brother?
The only reason I could find for staying home was that, besides the babysitting and financial advantages, emotionally, it seemed to be part of her effort to help her poor father cope with her angry mother. She had probably felt protective of her father throughout her upbringing, and wanted to be there to support him now in his later years. Understanding her dedication, closeness to her father and the LOVE and warmth in the relationship between them, as between any PLG and Favored child, I assured her that her attachment to her father was a positive and healthy thing, reinforcing her natural instinct and accurate feelings of great LOVE for her PLG father. To validate her feelings, I specifically expressed my empathy and agreement with her that he might have broken down mentally/emotionally or maybe fallen apart completely if she and her brother hadn’t been there to support him. She shed a few tears and I took most of my initial session time to allow her to mull over her very deep-rooted feelings in this area.
To give her insight into her father’s point of view, I explained that he had probably stayed in the marriage because, as a PLG, he was dedicated to his children and did not want to abandon them or leave them in the care of such an erratic mother. My summation was that her motivation in staying at home was to support her father because she felt sorry for him in his difficult plight with his wife. But I also explained that from her own point of view, her time to stay home and protect her father was now over, and it was best to consider her own future and the future of her child. In this regard I suggested that it would be best for all concerned if she would aim to extract herself and her daughter from this regrettable situation.
I took one more session to explain that there was little she or anyone could do for her father if he chose to stay with their mother rather than separate from her or divorce her. I emphasized that I understood how much she cared for her father and he for her. Having made her aware of the strong emotional bond between herself and her father, she breathed a sigh of relief. I reiterated that now since she is an adult, it’s time to loosen that bond if she is going to conduct her own life successfully. Her love of her father, her empathy with his situation and her reluctance to leave him alone to endure the mother’s rage was making her wallow in depression and hindering her own progress.
After two sessions this young woman discontinued her out-patient treatment and returned to her job. She soon collected enough money to afford a small place for herself and her baby that was close enough to her parents so they could still babysit their grandchild while she went to work.
