In the parable about Adam and Eve and their sons Cain and Abel, whether one believes its religious message or not, we begin to see through the DOLIF lens that the example of this family could well be thought of as a forewarning of how life will unfold for humanity. The paradigm could easily be meant to be a reflection of the way humankind is plagued by problems of jealousy, anger, and conflict, and has been so throughout history.
What are the lessons to be learned? One could be an illustration of the immutable human social instinct of SIBLING RIVALRY and how this inborn instinct propels human behavior, making it an essential part of the rules of intimate family interaction. Another might be that one out of two of our children will always garner More LOVE and Favor in our eyes, and the other Less LOVE and Favor, or comparative Disfavor. Another lesson may be that there will necessarily be intrafamilial strife in all our lives, so that we would do best by preparing ourselves to face it rather than ignore it. A third may be that the drive to differentiate oneself and carve out a distinct path of existence by opposing and being opposite to a next-born sibling is a powerful, overwhelming and salient part of our human nature that distinguishes us from the animal world, and is intended to distinguish us from each other. The conclusion from this would be that these original, unbending rules of SIBLING RIVALRY are actually an intended source of diversity in human nature and development. Another conclusion is likely related to the universality of the DOLIF family pattern that envelops and includes ALL human groups. This principle should hold true despite conventional visible, overt differences among humans such as skin color, physical features, lifestyle, religious beliefs or cultural practices, that may interfere with our judgement of others.
Ironic is the fact that we have been oblivious to these lessons for so long, even though they were in plain view and imparted to us millennia earlier, occurring blatantly in the first chapter of the holy scripture. But while the rules of DOLIF Theory were NOT in any way extracted from the bible, since the story is only reviewed for the purpose of discussion, in retrospect, the parallels between the bible story and the theory are unmistakable. DOLIF Theory merely provides a framework and new basis for analyzing this well known example and for considering the possibility that it might have been written to deliver its message to us.
DOLIF ventures even further by arriving at a concrete methodology that instructs parents in how to reverse our inborn destructive instinctual system of human conflict that is based in SIBLING RIVALRY, and undo most of its consequences. For the first time in psychology, DOLIF is a theory that actually offers a tangible solution to our dilemmas about raising children, and its application unearths the root causes of most of the extended social problems we face. The suggested solution of changing the parents’ flow of LOVE to focus on their Disfavored child is entirely innovative, counterintuitive and one that defies many a parent’s sense of propriety. However, comforting is that fact that DOLIF gives us license to discover that all these low lying Emotional dynamics are entirely NORMAL. It means that parents need no longer hide their troubles with their children in shame, since they can rest assured that every household is struggling with the same problem, albeit in different forms. There is no longer a need to envy the neighbor next door or be teased by their success or outward appearance of peace. DOLIF comforts us with the information that NOBODY is blessed with having an easier life than anyone else, but that others are having just as difficult a time as ourselves in raising their families and are suffering an equal portion of pain and heartache from their Disfavored children. DOLIF tells us unequivocally that since the formula for family functioning is fixed and standard, every household with more than one child must have Disfavored children. And it provides the new knowledge that this same set of dynamics is happening in every family. We know this to be true regardless of the attractive picture people might try to paint about their lives at home with their spouse and children, and regardless of their apparent acceptance of their fate. We learn too that, in the long term, such conflict that begins among siblings has the potential to become the undeclared, sinister cause of marital discord. For example, many a client, after due discussions about their child’s unruliness and irresponsible behavior, finally expressed to me their conclusion that “The problem is not my child. It’s my spouse!”, after which they proceeded to either file for a divorce, or decide to carry on with their marriage. On a grander scale too, society at large can put DOLIF knowledge to work in the interests of furthering the quest to improve the general human condition by helping our mentally ill, criminals, substance abusers, homeless and disenfranchised people, and more.
In conclusion, DOLIF teaches us that one’s behavior and personality traits are in great part NOT inborn and DO NOT come from some mysterious source inside oneself, such as DNA, good or bad heredity, or good or bad intentions. Despite extensive research with genes, these factors have NOT been found to be responsible for determining behavioral outcomes. Rather in the majority, character traits and behaviors are induced, cultivated and set up by the people and events that make up one’s earliest life experiences, most particularly one’s Family of Origin, the immediate family that consisted of their parents and siblings. As per DOLIF teaching, behavior and personality are merely the observable, overt expressions or outcomes of the quantity and quality of parental LOVE that any child felt, received, or did NOT receive, in comparison with a next born sibling. This was the original mold of either Favor or Disfavor into which every person was cast and their social standing in that Family of Origin with the parents who raised them and the sibling next to them. Whatever came later in terms of one’s life experiences as a teenager and adult in our Intelligence-dominated world only served to add to and solidify that original childhood mold. In short, the conclusion of our study is that one’s actions, thoughts, personality traits and behavior were NOT their own, but were assigned to them by those around them in their social environment. So we may even say that each person is NOT responsible for the way they think and feel today or who they became and are now. And if they behave badly or outside social boundaries, they should not be entirely blamed or held responsible. Rather, strange as it may sound, the onus falls upon society to assume a much greater part of the responsibility for everyone’s state of mind and their behavior today.
Finally, this study finds that it is society and our social environment that is responsible for making us who we are, and NOT something that is conjured up by each individual or determined by any extraneous factors such as the events of their life or the genes they were born with.
