A mother came in with her eight-year-old boy. They both looked sad and angry, the boy frowning. He did not look at me when I greeted him, and when he sat down, turned his head toward the window.
The mother related that she had a small parrot, a conure, that she loved very much. She informed me that her husband had passed away two years before and that he had loved the little bird. She explained it was one of her most prized possessions because it brought back memories of him. However, she reported she had noticed that on one occasion when she took the little bird out of its cage, her son had held it briefly and suddenly squeezed it too hard, so that she was frightened he would hurt it.
In another incident, her son’s classmate had brought a gerbil to school, and while the children were petting it, her son had taken the animal in hand and squeezed it so hard that it shrieked. The teacher had relayed the incident to his mother, and at the same time cautioned her that hurting animals can be an early sign of emotional disturbance. She recommended that they follow up with a mental health professional.
As per DOLIF protocol I interviewed the mother and son together to hear their story. Mother recounted that she also had a daughter wo was 10 years older, and that the children were from two different fathers, adding that it was not a secret. She emphasized she had raised them both on her own and indicated she had had a difficult time as a single parent. She informed me that her daughter, who was 18, was currently out of the home and attending university not too far away. She reported that every few weeks either they would go to visit her, a 90-minute drive, or the girl would come home by bus. She also informed me that she herself had an older sister who had come to live with them for the last five years. She noted that her older sister was a great source of support to her because she looked after the home and contributed to the rent. She mentioned it was also helpful that her sister was there to look after her eight-year-old son, make him lunches, see him off to school and be there when he came home from school. She related that she herself would go to work every day, and take every opportunity to work overtime to make extra money. She said she always wished to provide everything she could for her children, since neither of them had a father. She mentioned however that her young son complained that his aunt was too bossy and was constantly telling her he didn’t like his aunt. She noted that relations between her son and her sister were not good, and that their fights had become more frequent and intense lately, with the aunt wanting him to cooperate in doing household chores and pay more attention to cleaning up after himself, while the boy would watch television after school and on weekends.
When this mother confronted her son in my presence about the incident with the bird, he looked away and shrugged his shoulders. When asked about the gerbil he said he had asked his friend who owned the animal if he could pick it up, and the boy gave his permission. He reported that he picked it up, but when he looked at it closely, it looked back at him and he suddenly “felt it looked mean”. He said he felt sure it was mad at him and was going to bite him, and that he squeezed it to prevent it from biting him. (Under conventional methods this would be a clear indication for a diagnosis of paranoia.) His mother related that since this incident the friend’s mother had called her to say that the gerbil’s behavior had changed and that the animal would no longer accept to be held, but spent much of its time cowering in a remote corner of its cage, far from reach and nearly out of sight.
DOLIF Analysis
In DOLIF there is no need to ask the boy WHY he was feeling the urge to hurt animals, nor wonder what motivations brought him to this point. The only reason proffered by DOLIF theory is that the child feels Disfavored compared with his older sibling, his sister, even though she is living far away in university and there is no obvious rivalry between them. Under DOLIF there is no other motivation but that he is seeking the exclusive LOVE of his Prime Love Giving parent and in competition with his sister for that LOVE. I therefore asked this mother to attend the next session by herself, and since there seemed to be some urgency, immediately began to discuss my analysis of her situation.
As there were no fathers involved, and because it was obvious to me through observation that this mother was very concerned about both of her children and looking out for their best interests, there was no doubt in my mind that she was benevolent, as well as a competent Prime Love Giver for her children. Knowing this, my first statement to her was that she was probably spending too much time at work and that she did not have enough time to spend with her son. She shed a tear as she explained that she was torn in many different directions. She informed me that when she came home she would try to spend time with her son, but her sister, although well-meaning, was lonely and would demand her time to engage her in gossip, ask her to help with cooking, talk about her day, and so on. As well, her sister would complain that her son was behaving badly, not cleaning up after himself, and wanted to sit and watch TV after coming home from school instead of doing his homework or doing his chores. My client informed me that this would often spark the fighting, and that her son would end up leaving the family area to go to his room to stay alone.
I began my treatment by directly and pointedly informing this lady that she was a Prime Love Giving parent to both her children, about which she fully agreed. I emphasized that being a Prime Parent meant she was vitally important to both of her children on a psychological level. I explained that she was absolutely critical to their mental and Emotional wellbeing and that they could not function properly without her. At the same time however, I gently made it clear that she was on a slippery trajectory with regard to her son’s behavior, and that this required her immediate attention, so that she could no longer afford to allow matters to slide. When she responded to my statements, I listened and empathized as she lamented that she was exhausted – with money issues such as time demands at work, finances to manage, university fees to pay on the one hand, and on the other hand, social issues in that everyone seemed to want and need her personal time, affection and attention at the same time. With more tears she admitted that she was not spending enough time at home, but yet felt she was managing quite well, except for the friction between her sister and her son, which had been building steam probably for years, but now it seemed, had reached the boiling point. She did not mention, but I felt, that she harbored some deep feelings of resentment toward her young son because she had become unintentionally pregnant with him and his father had never been involved, but quickly abandoned her. I put this to her gently and she admitted that her experience with him was very different because her first daughter had been such a pleasure to raise since she herself was young at the time and her own parents had been there to help her, even though she and her daughter’s father had soon drifted apart. She indicated that when her daughter was about six she had begun searching for new mate for herself, but instead became pregnant with her son and had to turn her attention to bearing and caring for him.
My client said that after her daughter left for university six months ago, she became aware that her son was feeling sad, upset and lonely, and she believed that now he was acting more out of frustration and opposition toward his aunt, than that he was truly a naughty or vicious boy. However she noted that it was thanks to her sister that she had been able to save some money and improve their lives. She indicated that before our next meeting she would spend some time thinking about what changes she could make and the possibilities she could plan for all their futures.
At the third session I first undertook a full explanation of the Emotional dynamics that were at play in this client’s situation, beginning with her son and daughter. I drew a diagram of a Prime Love Giver with two children and described the interactions between them. I first pointed out the natural animosity and opposition between a pair of siblings such as her 18-year-old daughter and her 8-year-old son, despite their obvious age difference. I instructed her that, even though the daughter is gentle and appears to be caring toward her son, she should not ignore their natural Sibling Rivalry, so that the less contact there is between them, the less stress it will place on her son. I noted that although it is good that her daughter is away now, she should still not rely on situations such as her daughter babysitting for her son on holidays or while she works, but perhaps try to spend family time between the three of them together. When she pointed out that her daughter is an excellent babysitter for her son, I emphasized that age is not a factor in instinctive Sibling Rivalry, that the opposition she sees in their personalities is an outcome of this same dynamic, and that she should try her best to avoid such potentially uncomfortable situations. I suggested rather that she should invite her son to accompany her when doing errands, or try to occupy him in others ways, when she needed to leave him with his sister, such as having a friend come over. I explained that from her daughter’s point of view, being of a Favored temperament, she would not be likely to object to babysitting or be a bad babysitter by any means. However, I made it clear that it would be irritating to her son to have his sister babysit him.
Secondly, I dealt with her relationship with the aunt. She quickly acknowledged that her sister was bossy and controlling, and that in fact her sister behaved in much the same way toward herself. My client was the younger sister with 3 years between them, and she had a brother who was 4 years younger. In Favoritism language, this meant that her sister, the oldest sibling, was the Disfavored one because of her more socially hardened, self-interested temperament, and herself the more mild-tempered, Favored middle child, while their younger brother was outside their rivalry and in a Favored position. Asked whether she and her sister got along well, she responded that she had always felt her sister was mean and bossy toward her, but that she was in the habit of giving in and complying with her demands because her sister had always turned to their parents for support, and they had always backed her because she was older. In this sense I pointed out to her, and she could see more clearly, that her sister’s more demanding personality and attitude was having the same effect on her son. Finally she admitted: “I don’t blame him for resenting her. I don’t enjoy living with her either!”
After some thought and reflection, my client agreed it would be best if she and her sister were to part ways and live separately at this point in their lives. She remarked she felt she could find a place nearby where she could live on her own with her son. She would explain to her sister that it was best for her too, and the best solution for everyone. She noted that her sister could well afford to live by herself and would probably even welcome the suggestion because of her annoyance with the young boy. However, she vowed to make it clear to her sister that she was very grateful for her generosity and assistance, and that she would always be there to help her too should she need it.
This ended our three sessions. On contacting this woman about 6 months later, she thanked me. She informed me that her sister had moved out and that her son had made a good friend who often came to their home to play together. She said she was enjoying her son’s company much more and that he seemed to have come a long way in maturity and seemed to be better liked by those around him.
