A Case of Three Daughters
A woman came into my office and, before we could say our greetings, began sobbing. She was 68 years of age and said she had had a good life raising her 3 daughters. She said they were all married to wonderful men and that she had the pleasure of several lovely grandchildren. She explained that the reason for her tears was that she worried about the future of her youngest daughter, who had three small children and was a stay-at-home mom. While her older two girls were well established and had strong personalities, she lamented that her youngest one, her “baby”, had never been happy and was taking prescribed antidepressants since her teens, but had never made any suicide attempts. She noted that the girl had a good marriage, that her husband was very good to her and they were well off. She said she loved her youngest very much because, out of her 3 daughters she was the most gentle and sweet-tempered. Referring to DOLF, this characterization of a third child fit the description of a Favored personality. (See More Kids, The Third Child)
This mother informed me that her husband, the father of her three girls, had died two years earlier and that her littlest daughter had suffered so immensely that her grief is still very raw and has not ended to this day. She mentioned that her own grief had not ended either, but that now her worries mainly concerned her daughter’s on-going, and possibly worsening, state of depression. She was concerned about her daughter’s detachment from her husband and her three little ones since the father’s passing.
DOLF analysis of her own and her husband’s roles told me that this client’s husband had been the PLG to his family of 3 daughters since it was clear that he had doted on all of them. On questioning her a little further about her parenting years, I was able to determine that, of her two older daughters, the oldest one had been mean and aggressive toward this youngest child while they were growing up. Since both my client and her husband had been working hard during those early years, they had left their oldest daughter in charge of her two little sisters, taking them to and from school and babysitting them until the parents came home. With sadness this mother admitted that she had often witnessed the eldest girl slapping or pushing her baby sister, and controlling her with harsh and insulting words. She recalled that the older girl would make accusations at the younger one, usually over trivial matters, such as “That’s mine – you get your own” or “Don’t sit there, that was my place”. She reported that the older girl would then often ask the parents to support her allegations against her youngest sister, making the little one feel even worse. She noted this would make her youngest feel guilty and upset, often bringing her to bitter tears. She related she would try to intervene at times to protect the younger one, but regretted she had not done much about it since she was busy with her own chores and did not recognize the significance of the situation at the time.
I informed this sad mother that unfortunately, the sibling dynamic between her oldest daughter and the youngest had been very psychologically damaging. I also explained that this youngest one was vulnerable not only because she was 5 years younger, but also because she was of a gentle, soft nature due to her Favored third child status as per DOLF. I pointed out that, as a Favored child, this girl would have been vitally Emotionally attached to her now deceased father, and that, if they had known better as parents, they both would have intervened more aggressively to prevent the torment inflicted on this youngest one by the eldest. I mentioned that, were he alive, the father would have had to turn his LOVE and attention more in the direction of the oldest girl in order to quell her Anger and Anxiety. I explained that this Anger and Anxiety had been built up through her own Sibling Rivalry with her middle sister, but had become mercilessly unleashed on her littlest sister. I made it clear, however, that the real conflict was NOT between the oldest and youngest, but between the eldest and middle girls, and that the eldest had been acting up because she felt Disfavored compared with her Favored middle sister, whose personality was more balanced. That is, the oldest daughter had been unable to break into the strong Emotional bond between the PLG father and the middle sister. Mother readily confirmed that the father was the PLG and that these were indeed accurate personality types that well described all three of her daughters’ temperaments.
In the second session, by way of resolution, we sat together and discussed the matter in depth. Our strategies was as much as possible (a) to separate Child 1 from Child 2. The physical separation of these two would prevent the peaking of rivalrous Anger and Anxiety in the Sibling Rivalry between the two older girls, especially in the eldest, Disfavored girl. Our second goal would be, as much as possible, (b) to minimize the contact between Child 1 and Child 3. This strategy would serve to prevent the overflow of Depression and Anxiety that was being experienced by the youngest one when she was in the presence of her noxious older sibling. Our third aim would be (c) to bolster and encourage the youngest girl’s self-confidence.
To this end the mother related that her oldest daughter’s residence was a little far from her own home, and that she and her husband had jobs that forced them to travel to pursue their career goals, so that they did not have much free time. On the other hand, her middle and youngest daughters lived closer to her. I noted that she herself was a kind and compassionate ALG, and told her so, but that she also still had much Emotion to resolve around the loss of her husband. I therefore told her that she was in a good position to try to comfort and console her young daughter. I expressed I felt that together, they could help each other overcome their grief by sharing their feelings, which would be therapeutic for both of them. I suggested that she and her youngest take time to spend together and that she should involve herself as much as she could in her youngest daughter’s daily activities, such as cooking, baking, gardening and such, as well as with her grandchildren. She said she tries to offer babysitting and I encouraged her to continue this, as well as emphasizing that she should always be conscious about giving her youngest daughter as much praise and encouragement as she could. I advised her to try to build a new one-on-one relationship with this youngest girl, but explained that at the same time her main goal should be to try as much as possible to distance the oldest girl from this youngest one. I told her she should do her best NOT to allow the eldest one to interfere with this special relationship, but that it was fine to include the middle girl in their activities, since she posed no threat to the youngest. When I offered to see her daughter in therapy however, she noted that the girl had been seeing a psychiatrist on a regular basis for many years who was supervising her medications, although she confessed she thought the professional was paying more attention to her daughter’s prescribing medications than to her mental state.
About a year later this woman wrote me a card. She said she felt much happier herself and that she and her youngest daughter had built a very pleasurable and satisfying relationship. She mentioned as well that her grandchildren were the delight of her life.
Three More Cases of Vulnerable Youngest Girls in Three-Daughter Families
In one case of a third-born girl that was part of my observational studies, the two older girls in the family had both gone away to university. Their youngest sister was still at home, and on the basis of her exceptional talent in dance, was awarded a scholarship at a school for the arts. In her first year of the program she began to show symptoms of nervousness and Anxiety that caused her parents to be concerned about her wellbeing. She seemed in fact to be leaning toward Anorexia by finding reasons to eat less and less. The second year of the program seemed to be going reasonably well. Her academics were good and she was seeing a guidance counselor at school for support. However unfortunately, this promising young woman ended her life at the age of 15, just before the end of her second year of high school.
In another case, a third-born girl from a series of 3 girls came from a very upstanding family in the community. About 6 months before her graduation from high school, she took to indulging in psychotropic drugs with a group of unsavory friends and was causing her family a great deal of grief. When I asked about her two years later, she was still on a bad trajectory despite the best efforts of her parents to rehabilitate her.
Another in-office case of a 3-daughter family is reported in a blog titled: A Third Daughter With Severe OCD.
