Often talked about and popularized by Birth Order Theory is the “middle child syndrome” that describes middle children as the most agitated and bothersome because they are believed to be ‘squeezed’ between the first and last and get the least attention.
As a middle child myself, I can tell you that nothing could be farther from the truth. In DOLF the so-called “middle child” is merely a second-born child who is exclusively in conflict with their older, firstborn sibling. As such, this middle child harbors no animosity, vendetta or direct conflict with the youngest sibling. When we see the second and third siblings fighting, it is natural to assume they are in conflict. However, this is merely an indication that Child 2 is unable to WIN their primary Sibling Rivalry conflict with the firstborn child, and is resorting to releasing their Anger and frustration on the youngest, most naive and vulnerable sibling, Child 3.
Now let’s take a closer look at Child 3 from a DOLF perspective. As mentioned in the previous blog, this child, who we can assume was Favored until the arrival of the fourth sibling, is suddenly challenged to compete inside the new, younger cluster that was formed with Child 4. Child 3 must now either continue to WIN their Favored position, which was previously comfortable and unquestioned, or LOSE it to the new arrival. Perhaps they were spoiled and pampered before Child 4 came along, or perhaps they were targeted for torment by Child 1 or 2. In either case they developed a gentle, caring, lovable Favored personality and behavioral style. Now they must compete with their newborn fourth sibling, whom their instincts tell them has suddenly and unexpectedly become their new adversary. Naturally at the sight of this new aggressive threat, their instincts go into overdrive, and they venture head first into their own new Sibling Rivalry!
Common sense might suggest to us that because Child 3 is already Favored, they will automatically retain their Favored status, since their behavioral style and attachment to the PLG have already been formed and established. Or, we might think that if there is a substantial age gap with Child 4, the conflict will be less. However, just as the personalities and behaviors developed out of the Sibling Rivalry in the first cluster, experience and observation dictate that the WINNER or LOSER of this new rivalry is again an entirely random event! That is, there is no predictability as to whether Child 3 or Child 4 will be the WINNER of this battle and remain Favored, or lose the battle and become Disfavored!
So how is Sibling Rivalry likely to play out in this new cluster? Who from Child 3 and 4 is likely to be Favored or Disfavored? Will it be the new baby or the established third child? Again as with the older group of siblings in conflict, in this newly formed latter two-sibling cluster, Favoritism mostly depends on the attitudes of the parents toward their children and the relationships that are built between the PLG and each child. Gender, age and perhaps even appearance often play their roles in this choice, in that parents may Favor a younger or older child, a boy or a girl, or in the case of girls, a prettier girl over a less good-looking one. However, these visible external attributes are NOT always the ultimate determining factors, nor the way that any particular case plays out in reality. That is, even if parents wish for a child of a certain type and finally get one, the ultimate choice of a Favorite from each grouping ALWAYS depends on the delicate matter of the personal preference of the PLG and the particular compatibility of each child with the PLG. Like any other instances of Favoritism, the division is mostly due to the natural biases of parents and usually based on the apparent temperaments of these two younger children. In general, Favoritism is more likely to be directed toward the child who has chosen the more gentle, compliant, jovial personality and easier-to-handle behavioral style, versus the one who is more whining and attention-seeking (Depressive behavior), or aggressive and defiant (Angry behavior).
So even if a culture highly values males, and if a boy is born after several girls, the brother may still, due to his chosen path of behavior, be Disfavored compared with his adjacent third sister. Despite his best efforts, he may be unable to upstage, displace or replace his beloved sister in the eyes of their Prime Love Giving parent. And for her, the best way she can maintain her position of privilege and Favor with her PLG is if her temperament is more mild, gentle, kind and positive than his, and especially if she is more loving toward the PLG than her brother!
As an example of parental preference, many traditional cultures give preference to males who can be heirs to their families. If such a family begins by having a daughter, they would consider themselves blessed to have a boy, and will be likely to dote on him from birth. This new baby would surely attract the LOVE, attention and indulgence of their parents and family members. The parents are likely to then relegate their formerly Favored child to a secondary or Less Favored position in their hearts in comparison with their delightful new baby boy, who is of the sex they desire. This change in attitude upon the arrival of the new child either charges up the Anger, Anxiety and aggression of the adjacent child, or their Depression and Anxiety. These intense feelings of betrayal will be directed either toward their new baby sibling or at their parents, or both. However, if the bond between the PLG and older child is already very strong, this child can use her resources to fight hard and still retain her Favored position with her PLG, despite of the social influences that point toward her baby brother becoming the Favored one in the new cluster.
We should ALWAYS bear in mind that our cerebrally-generated thoughts CANNOT predict the way any particular case will play out in reality. That is, in any subset, the clustering or grouping of siblings and the ultimate choice of a child as Favored or Disfavored ALWAYS depends on the delicate matter of the personal preference of the PLG and the compatibility of each child with the PLG. So even if, for example, a couple has a handicapped child followed by a healthy one, the healthy child may still well be Disfavored compared with the adjacent, older, handicapped one. It means that, despite the best efforts of the healthy child, this one is unable to replace their rival handicapped sibling in the eyes of their Prime Loving parent. Rather, the handicapped child may well be able retain their LOVING connection and Favored position with their PLG, or lose it to the incoming child.
As an example of poor understanding of the Favoritism paradigm, biographies always tell us that Sigmund Freud was a Favored son simply because, as taught by Birth Order Theory, he was firstborn. Another reason for this misinterpretation is the fact that his mother called him “Mein Golden Ziggy”, which supports the quick conclusion that he was Favored. However, on closer scrutiny we find that in personality Freud was highly controlling and socially manipulative, both Disfavored characteristics. This showed up especially when it came to promoting his theory of Psychoanalysis. Little is it noted that he tolerated no criticism, was always recruiting followers of his ideas who would pledge their loyalty to him, and making sure that none of his colleagues could posit competing ideas that superseded his own. It is also well known that Freud suffered from his own mental disturbances, namely obsessive-compulsive neurosis and depression. In his personal life he prevented his next born sister from studying piano, which was a significant source of social status for her as a young woman to be eligible for marriage. To serve his purpose he managed to convince their mother that her piano-playing was too noisy and that his work was far more important than her social undertakings. In current lingo we would probably call him a “bully”! We know surprisingly little about Freud’s early life or his Family of Origin except that he many siblings, but an in-depth analysis of his personality indicates that he was surely of a Disfavored temperament.
Likewise is the case of Bill Cosby, who used to be celebrated as America’s comedian and was a joy in entertainment for children and adults alike. His biography, as written by Ronald L. Smith (1986), described the comedian as the firstborn and his mother’s favorite. His life story was reviewed by this author in her book: They Love You, They Love Me Not (HarperCollins, 1995). However, on further scrutiny we find, through his behavior in later life, that Mr. Cosby probably had far more Anger in his personality than was obvious to his biographer or his audience. A more accurately based biography would have led a DOLF analysis of Bill Cosby’s early life to classify him as Disfavored.
