A SUCCESSFUL WOMAN AND HER BROTHER
In one case, a highly accomplished woman in her 40’s came to seek advice about her brother. She had an elderly mother, the father was deceased and a brother who was six years older. A few years earlier, her brother had fallen on hard times and begun to drink heavily. He had been divorced, was forced to move back in with their mother and was in the midst of a tough custody battle with his ex-wife. In that time, my client had developed a successful career, risen to a very responsible position in her company and become attached to a very fine gentleman whom she intended to marry. My client explained that when they were growing up her brother had always been a terrific source of support to her. He had always been protective of her as his little sister, so that they had enjoyed a great friendship as children. However, her brother’s behavior had recently changed. He had become agitated and more aggressive toward their mother. He seemed dejected, was drinking more irresponsibly, asking for more money than his mother was willing to provide and was generally on a bad trajectory. The lady told me that she and her mother were close and that her mother was very fond of her boyfriend, but that she was worried about her mother’s safety because of her brother’s erratic behavior.
Since it sounded like this lady’s mother was the Prime Love Giver in their Family of Origin, and because their father was deceased, I started with the premise that their mother was the PLG, and therefore that this sister and brother were struggling for their mother’s LOVE.
To figure out whether my client or her brother was the Favored sibling, I looked into their positions in the family, their behaviors and personalities. Since the brother was firstborn and six years older, I could assume that he had been Favored during his first six years as an only child. When my client was born, she had most likely stolen the limelight from him to become the darling of the family. He had taken the role of protector over all their years of growing up together, but even though his overt behavior toward her had been exemplary, during all that time he had fallen into Disfavor in comparison with her and felt displaced. I could then assume that, even though he had seemed and behaved as if he felt warm and kind-hearted toward her, he had harbored a deep-seated jealousy and resentment of her closeness to their mother and her Favored status over all those years. One might suppose that he had devoted himself to his little sister in the hope that this would bring him closer to his real goal – to attain the LOVE of his mother, the PLG. However, his Anger toward his mother for his failure to attract her LOVE had festered and grown.
Now that his marriage had failed and he had been humiliated and reduced to living with his mother, this man’s Anger with his Disfavored status had begun to show. He was releasing his Anger by being rude toward her, as well as toward his sister. Now the fact that his sister had accomplished so much and to boot, that their mother enjoyed the company of my client’s boyfriend, whom he envied as well, made him burn with the Anger he had held in for all these years. With the help of alcohol that was releasing his inhibitions, his jealousy and Anger was finally finding vent and giving rise to his deteriorating relationships with all three of them.
My general advice to this woman was that she should stay away in order to make room for her brother to embrace his mother’s company. I told her to try to distance herself as much as she could from her mother, both physically, and especially Emotionally. When I explained the concept of PLG, she confirmed that their mother was indeed the PLG. I informed her that their mother was the object of her brother’s desire, and on understanding this dynamic, it instantly made complete Emotional sense to her. She began to understand how she was unwittingly interfering with her brother’s efforts to get close to their mother and his resentment of her. It made sense to her that she was her brother’s competitor for their mother’s LOVE and an irritant that was arousing and exacerbating his Anger and jealousy. After all, she had superseded him in regard to her career success and financial advancement. Moreover, she had found an admirable suitor of whom their mother was very fond and which provided another arena for competition, and which also fed his jealousy.
In practical terms, I suggested my client communicate with her mother only once a day by phone to make sure she was feeling safe and secure, but that she make as few physical appearances as possible into what was now her brother’s “territory”, which was also their childhood home. I added that her fiance should have minimal contact with her brother as well, since he was no doubt an irritant as well. I even told her she could advise her mother that the situation would improve if the mother were to give her undivided attention to her son and try to be as warm and supportive to him as she could. In a second session two weeks later this woman related that the situation with her brother was markedly improved and that his drinking had subsided considerably.
We note here that according to current psychological methods, the advice of a conventional therapist in a situation such as this would perhaps have been that social services should be called in to help with the mother/son situation, or that psychotherapy or Anger Management should be undertaken with the son. Of note is the considerably lighter demand placed on the social support system when DOLIF is used, since there were only two treatment sessions. The therapist in no way involved herself in the Emotional issues of the family, but allowed the healing process to unfold between the members themselves.
REPEAT – check, edit and amalgamate these two.
In one case, a highly accomplished woman in her 40’s came to seek advice about her brother. She had an elderly mother and her brother was six years older. A few years earlier, her brother had fallen on hard times and begun to drink heavily. He had been divorced, was forced to move back with their mother and was in the midst of a tough custody battle with his ex-wife. In that time, my client had developed a successful career, risen to a very responsible position in her company and become attached to a very fine gentleman whom she intended to marry. She explained that when they were growing up her brother had always been a terrific source of support to her. He had always been protective of her as his little sister, so that they had enjoyed a great friendship as children. However, her brother’s behavior had recently changed. He had become agitated and more aggressive toward their mother. He seemed dejected, was drinking more irresponsibly, asking for more money than his mother was willing to provide and was generally on a bad trajectory. The lady told me that she and her mother were close and that her mother was very fond of her boyfriend, but that she was worried about her mother’s safety because of her brother’s erratic behavior.
Since it sounded like this lady’s mother was the Prime Love Giver in their Family of Origin, and since their father was deceased, I started with the premise that their mother was the PLG, and therefore for these siblings, the struggle was for their mother’s LOVE. To figure out whether my client or her brother was Favored, I looked into their positions in the family, their behaviors and personalities, and made a few guesses. Since the brother was firstborn and six years older, I could assume that he had been Favored during his first six years as an only child. When my client was born, she had most likely stolen the limelight from him to become the darling of the family. He had taken the role of protector over all their years of growing up together, but even though his overt behavior toward her had been exemplary, during all that time he had felt Disfavored in comparison with her. Even though he had seemed warm and kind-hearted toward her, he had harbored a deep-seated jealousy and resentment of her closeness to her mother and Favored status. One might suppose that he devoted himself to his little sister in the hope that this would bring him closer to his real goal – to attain the LOVE of his PLG. However, his Anger toward his mother for his failure to attract her LOVE had festered.
Now that his marriage had failed and he had been humiliated and reduced to living with his mother, his Anger with his Disfavored status had begun to show. He was releasing his Anger by being rude toward her, as well as toward his sister. Now the fact that his sister had accomplished so much and that their mother enjoyed the company of her boyfriend, whom he envied as well, made him burn with the Anger he had harbored for all these years. With the help of alcohol that was releasing his inhibitions, his jealousy and Anger was finally finding vent and giving rise to his deteriorating relationships with them.
My general advice to this woman was that she should stay away and make room for her brother to embrace his mother’s company. I told her to try to distance herself as much as she could from her mother, both physically and Emotionally. When I explained the concept of PLG, she confirmed that their mother was indeed the PLG. I informed her that their mother was the object of her brother’s desire, and on understanding this dynamic, it made Emotional sense to her. She began to understand how she was unwittingly interfering with her brother’s efforts to get close to their mother and his resentment. It made sense to her that she was her brother’s competitor for this LOVE and an irritant that was arousing his Anger and jealousy. After all, she had superseded him in regard to her career success and financial advancement. Moreover, she had found an admirable suitor of whom their mother was very fond and which provided another arena for competition of which he was jealous. I suggested my client communicate with her mother only once a day by phone, and that she make as few appearances as possible into what was now her brother’s “territory”, which was also their childhood home. I added that she should have minimal contact with her brother as well, since she was no doubt an irritant to him. I even told her she could advise her mother that the situation would improve if the mother were to give her undivided attention to her son and try to be as warm and supportive as possible to him. In a second session two weeks later this woman related that the situation with her brother was markedly improved and that his drinking had subsided considerably.
We note here that according to current psychological methods, the advice of therapist in a situation such as this would perhaps be that social services should be called in to help with the mother/son situation, or that psychotherapy or Anger Management be undertaken for the son. Of note as well is the considerably lesser demand placed on the social system when DOLIF is used since there were only two sessions involved. The therapist in no way involved herself in the Emotional issues of the family, but allowed the healing process to unfold between the afflicted members themselves.
