A large, strapping 18-year-old boy and his mother stepped into my office. They had been referred by a physician who worked in the same company as the mother, where she held a high administrative position. As mother and son walked in they were quarreling and I heard the young man complain “You’re always on my back! Just be quiet and leave me alone!”
As per DOLIF protocol, I began by seeing them together for the first 15-20 minutes to inquire about their situation and make some mental notes. I then interviewed each of them separately, and when my opinion was formed, I saw the two together briefly for the final few minutes. Treatment was completed in two sessions, although the mother, incredulous at the rapidity with which her son’s behavior changed after the first two, insisted on a third session “just to make sure everything is alright”.
When her son was present, the mother explained that she wanted him to focus on his studies, but noted he had been a very good student, until recently. However this year he had begun to socialize with a group of friends who were not from his familiar group of friends in private school, but would come to the door to call for him. She said that despite her objections he would go out with them and stay out for many hours without telling her where he was going. Besides wondering what they were up to, she said she was worried about her son’s future, since she was aspiring for him to be either a doctor or a lawyer, and was adamant that he not be distracted from this goal. The boy listened quietly as she spoke, mainly looking downward, although occasionally he would look up at her angrily. Wondering about the father, I asked why he hadn’t come, and was told he is retired, and stays at home. The mother said he didn’t think it was important for him to come because he was not part of the fighting at home, since the disagreements were mostly between his wife and son.
When seen alone, the mother confided that she had married late and was overjoyed when she finally had her only son. She said she had pursued her own career and worked hard all her life, climbing to a high executive position in her company just so she could support her son’s education. She said she had invested a great deal of effort and energy into making sure she had enough money to send her son to the finest private schools from a young age. Though stern, she seemed very concerned and determined to resolve this problem with her son, but added that the fights at home were becoming quite intense, and in one instance her son had thrown a chair at her but fortunately, she was not hit.
On interviewing the boy on his own in the same session, he said he is well aware of his mother’s educational goals for him, but that he was fed up because “She’s always after me, checking up on me, asking questions about my homework and what I did in school.” Obviously irritated he added “She keeps tabs on me no matter what I do, and it’s none of her business!”. He seemed to be an intelligent and reasonable boy, and I wondered if he could tell me whether he felt she was his Prime Love provider. So I asked him whether he felt closer to his mother or his father, to which he replied without hesitation, “My father!” He described his father as a gentle, quiet man who deferred to his wife, and rarely criticized him, disciplined him or took sides in their arguments.
Now having recognized that his father was probably his PLG, my reasoning took the following course. I wondered whether I could be dealing with an Angry teenager. However, my considered opinion was that No, since this boy seemed to be reasonably mature for his age and easily engaged in conversation with me. I felt he was just an irritated young man who was responding appropriately to the circumstances around him.
There were at least two indicators that he was probably of fine character. First, he was an only child who had been doted on by two parents, each of whom seemed to be caring in their own way. This would significantly increase the likelihood of his having a warm, gentle, easy-going Favored personality base. Second, he had received an excellent education throughout his life, indicating he had probably formed a good personality base with well developed integration between his Emotions and Intellect that would indicate a good personal adjustment. Thirdly, my own impression of this young man was that for his age, he seemed to be showing adequate maturity as well as good reasoning skills and judgement. His description of his father as his Prime Love Giver seemed to support my own observation that despite her good will and positive intentions for her son’s future, his mother was a strict and demanding disciplinarian, so that in DOLIF terms she was his psychological ALG.
My solution to their problem came at the end of the first session, and I chose to communicate my opinion to them immediately because of the potential volatility in their home situation. In the time I spent with the mother alone I tactfully told her that she should stand back and allow more of the parenting job to be accomplished by her husband, adding that the rules of the house would be far better accepted by her son if her husband were to take a more active role in parenting their son.
In the second session, I spoke with the son alone for about half the time and with the mother alone for the other half. In dealing with the son, due to my prior assessment of his Favored disposition, I expressed, both verbally and non-verbally my trust that he was a good-hearted, responsible young man, and my general agreement with him that he did not need to be supervised to the extent that his mother was doing, or checked up on so much. In line with my evaluation, it appeared he was a good student and performing well in all areas, except for his irritation at his mother’s constant watchfulness over him. Further to my diagnosis that his father was the prime parent, or PLG, I informed him that I understood his father is a much more gentle and loving character. I reassured him that there is a great deal of affection between himself and his father and that I could see his father is a very lovable person.
In speaking with the mother I explained that her son is a very fine young man, and complimented her on the wonderful job she did in raising him. I expressed that I can well appreciate her eagerness to groom and educate him properly in order to prepare him for a bright and productive future. However, I also gently suggested that in order to win back her son’s allegiance (1) she should relax her requirements of him, as well as step back and assume a more patient and passive posture. This she should do in order to (2) make room to allow the father to move in and deal with his son more directly. I also mentioned that she should (3) notify the father of this change in their parenting policy toward their son, and tell the father he should not hesitate to step up and play a more active role in the boy’s life. I informed her that her son would be more inclined to listen to his father’s demands than if she alone continues to try to make her son comply with her wishes by watching him and imposing controls. In other words I had gently suggested to her that she step back and take a less interfering role in the relations between father and son, and permit more room for the PLG father to come forward and play a more active role in his son’s life. I told her that in terms of exercising discipline and control, this father’s influence would go farther and be better accepted by her son than if it came from her.
A few days later, the mother called to make a third appointment, noting that even though the situation had improved dramatically, she still wanted to come and bring in her son “to make sure everything will be okay”. She acknowledged that he was no longer seeing his negative group of friends, was acting respectfully and compliantly, and that the family was getting along well. The son expressed that he didn’t know why he had to come back, since they were not having any more problems at home, and he was quite pleased that things had calmed down. When I saw him briefly on his own at the end of that session, he gave the therapist a knowing smile, saying he knew there was no need for another appointment, but had agreed to attend just because his mother had insisted on it.
