A large and clumsy-looking 15-year-old boy came in with his mother. He had learning disabilities that had been accurately diagnosed through his school. Testing showed he had poor fine motor skills, which affected his ability to read, write and communicate ideas. In order to assist him, his parents had gone to great lengths to purchase various machines that helped him get around his limitations. Although he was proficient at making use of all these facilities, he was still unable to organize himself in school, and was getting failing grades.
As per DOLIF procedure, I saw the mother and son together for the first half hour to hear their story. From there on I saw the boy on his own for the remainder of the session, and for 5 more sessions. He came to the third interview with his father, which gave me a chance to observe the interaction between father and son for a few minutes. I also took the opportunity to interview the father alone for about 20 minutes.
The young man told me his mother was very supportive, but that his father was always critical of him and that he could never please him. The mother seemed very concerned about her son and reasonably understanding and accepting of his disabilities, but I could sense she was not too encouraging of the boy, and even seemed somewhat annoyed by him. In the brief session with the father, he had no hesitation in telling me that he was disappointed in his son because he could not keep up with his school work, even though teachers and parents had expended a great deal of time and effort in trying to bring him up to par. He emphasized that he expected him to perform in school as well as his older sister, who was always at the top of her grade.
I gleaned that this family was very focused on education, and that succeeding in school was also an important personal goal for this young man. Pondering the PLG/ALG split, I formed the opinion that mother was the Prime Love Giver because, while she seemed upset with her son, out of the two parents, she was the more approachable one and appeared to have some sympathy with her son’s situation. However I also felt she had few Emotional resources to offer him, except that she was in charge of keeping in touch with the school in trying to accommodate his special needs. In my mind, I judged that this young man was of about average Intellectual ability. He seemed sincere and for me, quite likable in that I felt he was making a valiant effort to succeed. He was apparently spending a great deal of time in his room trying to organize himself and get a handle on his studies, but was ‘chasing his tail’, frustrated, burdened by Anxiety and unable to achieve much on his own.
Since I felt that the mother’s Emotional contribution was limited, and the father was rather negative, and since the boy was of a good age to communicate verbally, I decided to work with him on his own. In this vein, I kept track of his subjects and demonstrated my genuine interest in his school work and progress in all subjects. I smiled, treated him with respect, made sure to encourage his good points, and helped him look for new areas where he could excel. After some gentle encouragement, he mentioned he was good at basketball, and continuing, said he was playing much better these days, remarking he believed he was favored as a prospect for the school basketball team. He proudly announced he felt this might be due to his larger than average size and height, and that he was very pleased about it. He began spending more time in the gym and believed he had a good chance of being chosen for the team. He felt he could overcome his clumsiness in time, and was making some positive social contacts through other team prospects.
By the time the five sessions were over this young man seemed to be well on his way. He was experiencing much less Anxiety about his self image and had begun to see himself as potentially successful in the activities of his choice. We had briefly discussed the comparison with his sister and his inability to compete with her or impress his parents and father in particular. But while he readily acknowledged his envy of his sister, he also firmly declared he realized he could never catch up to her or beat her in school, and agreed he should just ignore her and set goals of his own. It was clear that he was developing some self confidence and a better impression of what he could achieve on his own despite his parents’ poor view of him. In a brief contact his mother reported he was doing much better in his school work, was calmer, tackling each of his subjects little by little, asking the help of benevolent teachers and generally feeling much better about his prospects for the future.
Explanation
To start, this example shows that if a child is of an age where they seem to be amenable to talk therapy, even as low as 8 or 10 years, and if it is felt that verbal communication can be effective, DOLIF can be used to resolve the problem by seeing the child alone.
Note that in the course of this therapy there is an element of detachment from the client. Unlike traditional therapy that might have fished for issues to uncover and possibly investigated the disputes between the boy and his mother or the boy and his father, or might have involved contacting his educators, reviewing psychological reports, etc. the therapist herself was in no way central to the treatment. She did not aim to interject herself into either the psyche of the patient or the LOVE dynamics of the family. She did not try to address the obvious animosity between the boy and his father, nor conduct a family therapy. that might have extended over many sessions. For example, she did not mix in with the family’s dynamics to defend the boy’s efforts, a task that might have extended over many sessions, nor repeatedly ask him to explain WHY he is not achieving as well as he should. Even though these parents did not seem to be too pleased with their son, DOLIF respects the attachment of any child to their Family of Origin source, leaving no need for the therapist to inject themselves, their personalities or their opinions into the picture.
As in most cases using a DOLIF approach, family therapy was not indicated. This is due to the critical prior knowledge that the sister is a rival and a natural irritant to this patient and is most likely the Favored counterpart to his Disfavored status. Rather, the accuracy of a DOLIF diagnosis renders the job of any therapist quite mechanical and technical, and one that involves little guesswork. The therapist merely makes use of the standard model of PLG + ALG and F/D + F/D to guide the therapy, adding only their expertise in applying it effectively. The relationship between the therapist and the client then becomes more homogenized as one of two equals meeting on a level playing field, rather than a relationship between a superior who who sits in judgment and advises their inferior about what they are doing wrong, or what they should be doing.
While empathy is important, in DOLIF it does not involve using a traditional ‘unconditional positive regard’ approach, nor merely ‘listening and empathizing’ as in an ‘I see’ attitude, both of which imply a passive therapeutic posturing. Nor does it involve allowing the client to ‘unload’ feelings and troubles in hopes that they will become unburdened by this alone. The author could as well have used the “tennis match approach”, that is, seeing the parents with the boy or the entire family, with him on one side and the three others on the other side, and the therapist turning first to one side to hear their gripes, then to the other side to hear their part of the story, then back again, and back, then forth, and so on. The job in DOLIF, while it remains an Emotional one, is greatly altered. It becomes one that consists of empathy first with the burdens of another human being, and then caring enough to help them move forward in their personal Emotional journey, without the interjection of oneself into their psyche or Emotional dynamics!
Now in terms of DOLIF analysis, on the surface this may look like an obvious example of when two parents cannot, each for their own reasons, be reached Emotionally, and each have difficulty dealing with their Disfavored child. However, there is an important surprise here. Let’s begin as usual with our standard DOLIF analysis that concerns the uncovering of Favored or Disfavored status among the two siblings. Now from pure outside observation and using our adult-based, realistic perspective, this young man would absolutely have appeared to be Disfavored compared with his accomplished sister. By comparison she seems to be a paragon of achievement who had apparently risen to great heights of education. It is admittedly an attribute that impresses outsiders and was highly regarded in her family. She had left her brother far behind in stark contrast, obviously suffering from considerable Anxiety due to his very real disabilities and his constant need to be preoccupied with overcoming them.
Nevertheless it struck me that his personality did not fit that of a Disfavored person who would have shown Anger, either toward his parents, his sister, the school system, his teachers his peers, etc. But none of that had come to light. While he surely had Anxiety, I felt this character before me was very polite, gentle and likeable, which pointed to a Favored disposition who was more inclined toward the Depression and Anxiety side of the Anger-Depression spectrum. He seemed to have almost no Anger in his general demeanor in reaction to his failings, and though frustrated, it seemed he was subject to almost no display of tension, but rather, true to the Depressive type, tended to blame himself for the responsibilities he faced. Accordingly, he was trying his best to improve himself by pooling his own resources.
Although it puzzled me a little at first, I soon unraveled the mystery. I reasoned that in his early life this young man, as a second born sibling had initially been Favored by his PLG mother. However his older sister, in order to have become the high achiever that she was, must have competed vigorously with him on an Intellectual level especially with regard to school work. In this respect, once her brother was born and she had fallen into Disfavor, this girl had probably worked very hard in the past to overcome her Disfavored position and beat her brother in his newly acquired Favored status. As a little girl she had used her Anger to rival with him on an Intellectual level to bump him out and attain this Favored status for herself. Now in the present sh was still working hard to compete with him in order to retain her position the more lately “apparently Favored” one. And it seemed she had succeeded in doing just that. The competitive spirit in her exposes the fact that she had, in their early family life, become the Disfavored child after the birth of her brother!
Now this meant that the young man before me had been Favored as a baby, but fallen into Disfavor more recently since school had become important and he needed to summon more specific academic skills to cope. He had been superseded and displaced by his older sister, who was now competing desperately to outdo him, had done so throughout their childhoods, and was finally WINNING their lifelong SIBLING RIVALRY battle! This DOLIF-inspired notion would imply that when he was born he and his dearly LOVED PLG mother were very close, but that there came a time when he was displaced from his coddled position by his rivalrous sister. This would be the only way to explain his softer overall temperament and his sister’s more competitive behavior, which she was successfully channeling academically. And it seemed that given this boy’s difficulties in school, which his PLG mother had no doubt faced with him throughout his upbringing, had lost some of her LOVE, respect and confidence in him over time, and unwittingly shifted her LOVE to become the supporter of her daughter instead!
It is not an unusual situation, and in many ways, not an undesirable one! I will discuss this theme in another blog where as time passes and the siblings grow older, parents shift their loyalties when they see that a Disfavored child achieves more in the real world than their Favored one, leaving the formerly Favored one feeling sad and abandoned.
What Therapy Had Accomplished
A) I had helped this boy detach himself Emotionally from the rivalry with his sister. By giving him some praise and encouragement for his own achievements, he was able to detach some of his rivalrous feelings of Depression and Anxiety about losing the battle with her.
B) He had also become more Emotionally detached from the expectations of his parents and their disappointment in him. As a more detached individual, he no longer cared as much or was as dependent on them for their approval and acceptance of his performance. He was more able to carry on his own life with his own ambitions, and be more Emotionally independent. He had definitely developed a sense of purpose about his future and was well on the road to conducting himself in a more adult-like manner in ways that would please himself, his parents and society at large.
C) As an adult in the future, this teenager would probably not need long term mental health support for Anxiety or Depression.
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