DOLIF provides a brand new basis for understanding the development of personality and behavior in human psychology. In essence, it informs us that beginning from early family life, and through instinctive SIBLING RIVALRY, people divide into only two personality types: Favored or Disfavored. A typical 4-person nuclear family, such as the first family in the bible with two parents, Adam and Eve, and their two sons Cain and Abel, generates one of each of these two personality types. In this case the family dynamics generated Cain, an older but Disfavored sibling, and Abel, their younger, more gentle, Favored child, which we surmise from their personalities and behavioral styles.
DOLIF gives us poignant insight into how, when we have a sibling, we are each programmed to try to bump out our sibling because they invade our precious LOVE space with our parents. It affirms that our instinctual Sibling Rivalry compels each person to strive to WIN and even HOG ALL the available LOVE they perceive emanating from their parents. The process occurs on a highly discreet and clandestine Emotional level, as if through an invisible fog that covers ALL human children, who are born with an aura that equips them to continually evaluate MORE LOVE and LESS LOVE from their parents. On tagging the warmer parent or PLG, they then embark on a desperate quest to elicit MORE LOVE from this warmer parent. If a child is firstborn and a sibling is born after themselves, each is genetically programmed to compete desperately to WIN MORE LOVE than this adjacent sibling. From this SIBLING RIVALRY struggle emerge the two personality types. The children assume their social positions, as either Favored or Disfavored in the hearts and minds of their guardians within the tiny social microcosm of their first family. They then direct their personalities and behavior accordingly, the more Favored child turning to docility, generosity, even-temperedness, empathy and warm-heartedness, while the Disfavored one develops a personality filled with Anxiety, Depression and Anger. If we believe there is a lesson or religious message that we are meant to learn, it may be our warning that humankind is inherently competitive and that we will all be eternally possessive and combative with our fellow humans!
Besides the instinct toward SIBLING RIVALRY, DOLIF now reveals that as siblings, ALL humans are governed by the powerful urge or Instinct to be Opposite to their next born sibling. As explained in DOLIF Theory – Phase 4, it means that whatever our next born sibling chooses as their own path of personal self-distinction and independent behavioral style, our Instinct to be Opposite drives us to seek to diverge and differentiate ourselves from them as much as possible. In another blog I explain in greater detail WHY and HOW this mutual opposition takes place, and eventually exerts its powerful influence on our evolution into the person we eventually become. Through DOLIF theory we learn WHY we are WHO we are, WHY we WANT what we WANT, WHY we LIKE what we LIKE, and ultimately, WHY we choose to DO the things we DO. So, the short answer to WHY we are WHO we are in personality and behavior is that, in large part, WE SEEK TO OPPOSE AND BE OPPOSITE TO our next born sibling. We do this because it instinctively repulses us to be the same as our sibling!
Now in our example of Cain and Abel, could this Instinct to be Opposite be responsible for the career choices that these boys made? How did this Instinct to be Opposite determine Cain’s “choice” to become a gardener and vegetarian, and Abel’s “choice” of a diametrically opposed career – that of sheep herder and carnivore? Were their “choices” mere coincidences, or were they instinctively drawn to opposite Emotional poles of “LIKES and WANTS“? Were their decisions Intellectually motivated “choices”, or were they Emotionally driven? Did they “choose” these paths for deeply underlying instinctual social-Emotional reasons that were involuntary and unknown even to them? And should we apply this format to every person today who was ever a sibling?
In DOLIF this “parting of ways” toward opposite poles of personality, behavior, interests and choices such as careers for next born siblings, is assumed to be driven by our natural Instinct to be Opposite. This Instinct is the driving source and main determinant of our thoughts, personal preferences, directions and all the “choices” we make at any point in our lives. Although these career choices and “decisions” about how we will conduct our lives and our futures may seem to be Intellectually driven, genetically determined or responses to natural, genetically endowed talent, DOLIF contends that the impetus toward self-differentiation is actually rooted in this very social/Emotional Instinct – our drive or urge to be Opposite that comes from our earliest encounters in our Family of Origin. The entire phenomenon relates back to how we were treated by our original family members, and how we saw ourselves positioned within our own very first social environment. It means that even as tiny babies and little children, we were programmed to look for anyone who was encroaching on our territory of parental LOVE. It also implies that as soon as we were born we began to watch and evaluate our behavior and compare it with the behavior of any next born competitor, our sibling. We then used their behavior as a sounding board for “deciding” or “choosing” how to orient our own life path by comparison. DOLIF theorizes that in this way, once we reach adulthood, we ALL ultimately end up with behavior patterns that define us as different from our next born sibling, and designate us as either Favored or Disfavored.
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In most families it is common for siblings to behave in diametrically opposite ways. This makes their differences shockingly obvious to us. Through their lives as small children we begin to notice that if one sibling becomes a bookworm, the other takes up outdoor sports; If one is a doctor, engineer or scientist, the other seeks to do better by entering a trade or build a business. We find that their habits, likes and dislikes are diametrically opposed. This is explained in more detail in DOLIF Theory – Phase 4. It might seem to be an exception when a second child is very similar to, or joins the same career path as their older sibling in a “copycat” fashion. Yet DOLIF admonishes us not to be fooled, but that the aim of this effort still remains the same. Their goal is to use this same path to try to outdo their opponent! As related elsewhere as well, in my book, the case of Nancy Greene, an Olympic skier and winner of gold and silver medals, is a prime example. As a younger sister, Nancy openly declared that her main intention in pursuing a gold medal was to beat her older sister who was also a competitive skier. Parents should know that although it may seem easier and convenient for us to raise two children who are the same, whatever their chosen path, and even if it is the same one, the career choice, along with all their other traits, carry the same ulterior social/Emotional goal of competing with all one’s might and talent to beat out and humiliate their next born opponent sibling! It all takes place within the context of the hidden agenda of seizing the Favored position in the original Circle of Love with the PLG. The undeclared goal at all times remains as before: that they will NEVER be the same. They will either try to excel in the same endeavors to beat out their sibling, or pursue an entirely different route. In most families however, the most common behavioral outcome is that the adjacent siblings go in opposite directions, rather than try to outdo each other at the same game.
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Another form of adjustment that hides the true intent behind Sibling Rivalry and can thoroughly fool observers, can be called the Leader – Follower combination. In this case the siblings appear to like each other and get along fine, such as identical twins who dress alike and are always together. If there is an age difference, the underlying dynamic of such cases is that one child, whether the older or younger sibling, acts as the leader. If the older one is the leader, this child may even seem to be the caregiver for the younger one. The older may entertain the younger at their level, occupy them so the parents can take a rest, be their protector and serve their needs as necessary. The appearance may be one of great camaraderie between the siblings that may persist well into adulthood. Clandestinely however, it is usually the younger child who feels Favored and the older sibling who feels Disfavored, and at some point in their lives we should not be surprised to see animosity develop. Or if they are twins, one of them usually takes the lead while the other seems to be an agreeable follower. Relations may go very well for a while, but should future circumstances intervene, such as if one becomes highly successful and the other is less successful, or if the follower should for some reason become dissatisfied and rebel against the decisions/judgments/advice of the leader, a rift can quickly develop that will reveal their true feelings toward each other. (Note that this situation only applies to siblings who belong to the same cluster or grouping and are natural competitors. Different rules apply to siblings who belong to different groupings. This is explained in the blog titled: More Kids – The Rest of the Sibline, where we will see that children of different clusters can socialize successfully.)
Time and age do not wear away the character traits attached to Favored and Disfavored status. These traits stay largely the same, as does the urge to compete and oppose the sibling. Although the competitive feeling and oppositionalism may fade slightly with maturity, it also might grow stronger. As for the original personality and behavioral characteristics we “choose” to pursue from childhood that were determined by the Anxiety, Depression and Anger we accumulated during our growth, these never change at base, but also only mellow with age. Most frequently, they become ever more deeply ingrained into personality and behavior and ever more securely molded into place, their sources forever hidden far from our conscious awareness. In time, careers and entire futures are built around these fundamental social/Emotional dynamics.
When we consider the full story of Creation in the Judeo-Christian bible, whether or not we believe in its historical accuracy, we find it well coincides with DOLF Theory in terms of the Emotional dynamics it describes. Perhaps coincidentally, the story presents a fine example of the DOLF phenomenon. DOLF Theory supports the idea that the story might have been written to expose the social/Emotional quagmire that eternally plagues all humankind. In other words, just as claimed in DOLF Theory, this first story about the small nuclear family of Adam and Eve and their two sons seems to be a universal example or microcosm of the way that every family functions dynamically, and they way it will do until the end of time. And these dynamics are fully due to the force of inborn human drives and instincts that are ingrained deeply within our human psyche.
The sibling feud in this ancient parable is legendary, but also raises many questions. Is this to be the destiny of ALL humankind? Does the story describe the way every family functions, and may do forever? Could it be that it was written specifically to tell us that two siblings born next to each other will always be in competition? Is it prescribed that there will always be a race to FIGHT, WIN and HOG ALL the available parental LOVE that siblings can garner for themselves, to the detriment of an adjacent child? Does it cut across ALL human families regardless of their race, color, creed or ancestral origin? However distasteful, upsetting or frivolous we may find these issues, they are fully corroborated by this author’s true-to-life observational research and experience.
(Continued in Creation – Part 5 -WAS it fair, WHAT is fair and IS THERE such a thing as fair?)
