The story of Cain and Abel is a classic example of SIBLING RIVALRY brought on by a subtle, but very real, variance in LOVE. In this biblical tale of Creation about two brothers, their Maker acted as their Prime Love Giving parent or PLG. The offering made by the younger brother, Abel, was accepted by his Lord because Abel sacrificed the best of his herd. However, He rejected the gift that was offered by the older brother, Cain, because he did NOT give up the best of his product to his Lord, but selfishly kept his finest crops for himself to enjoy.
In Part 1 we learned that in the eyes of the boys, or the Mind of a Child, the real-world aspect of their gesture, that is, the vegetables and meat they actually offered, meant little or nothing to the boys. Instead, with their style of thinking, they NEITHER understood the words of their substitute parent and Lord, NOR appreciated their Lord’s view of fairness. The Lord’s justifiable actions correspond to our own Adult Mind. But in their childish views the boys understood and responded only to the underlying Emotional dynamic of FAVORITISM that was implied in their Lord’s actions. They did NOT think: WHAT did WE do to deserve this outcome? Instead they thought: WHO does our PLG LOVE more? And based on their Lord’s actions by accepting Abel’s offer but not Cain’s, their conclusion was that He LOVED Abel more!
We learned too that in the context of a SIBLING WAR, there are social consequences for children that are a result of the ways their parents treat them. We learned that siblings do NOT see themselves as individuals, but as children who are constantly compared with each other. Now we also discover too that in the Mind of a Child there are always WINNERS and LOSERS in their SIBLING RIVALRY WAR! The act of choosing to honor one sibling and refute another, is to award respect, social prestige and acclaim to one, such as Abel, which makes him the WINNER. So in their SIBLING RIVALRY mode, this automatically meant that Cain was the LOSER. The request from their Maker for a sacrifice became grounds for them to compete for His LOVE, and His choice to accept one and refute the other was the critical factor that fed into their already existing SIBLING RIVALRY. The Lord’s choice exacerbated their natural Anger with each other, and this Anger was whipped into a whirlwind of hatred that they could not dismiss or forget. In the end it generated such extreme bitterness that it led to murder, the greatest sin committed by one human being toward another! (See the blogs about Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, for an explanation of the same dynamics or motivations behind his criminal behavior.)
We note incidentally that, contrary to Birth Order Theory where the first born child is always assumed to be the Favorite, in the case of these two boys, it did NOT matter that Cain was the older son. The important fact that determined this disastrous course of events was the Lord’s preference or display of apparent FAVORITISM toward the younger sibling, Abel. It was the FAVORITISM and NOT birth order the boys perceived and responded to. And it was the FAVORITISM that exerted the ultimate overwhelming influence over their feelings and behavior. So contrary to popular belief about birth order and in line with DOLF theory, age is NOT a factor in deciding Favoritism among warring siblings. Experience dictates that an age difference of even 10 years or more does NOT prevent the natural eruption of rivalrous feelings among adjacent siblings over parental LOVE. DOLF theory goes even further to inform us that in addition to age and birth order, gender and even ability or disability are NOT factors that decide which child will be Favored and which one will be Disfavored!
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Now another layer of interpretation is added to this paradigm – one that relates to social and interactional factors. That is, in the immature Mind of a Child, Favored status ALWAYS implies the right, permission or entitlement to BRAG, TEASE AND HUMILIATE the opponent! Whether spoken or unspoken, it is a cardinal rule in the world of children that, if you are chosen to be Favored by authority figures, you are automatically considered socially superior, and this entitles you to BRAGGING RIGHTS! It is a universal rule that governs the way children understand, think and feel about the world. That is, because they think in very primitive Emotional terms and because Favoritism is always on their minds, any child who is perceived as enjoying greater privilege, and who is able to garner MORE LOVE or FAVOR from the prime parent or PLG, becomes perceived as the one who is WINNING the SIBLING WAR! This privileged child is then automatically perceived as enjoying advanced social status and respect. It happens in the same way as “teacher’s pet” in which one child gains advantage above others in school. The same principles carry over into adulthood where people try to “top” one another by accumulating more assets and money, or compare their success with others, such as when we “compete with the Jonses next door”. These are feelings of competition and rivalry that are spurred by the Emotions of Anger, Depression and Anxiety, and represent efforts to regain our social status and self respect. They all arise out of feelings in childhood of having been short-changed or outdone by an adjacent sibling who was more LOVED than ourselves.
For adults, it might come as a shock that the natural social sequel to being Favored is that this child is now entitled to brag, tease, humiliate and insult the sibling who LOSES the battle! But in the world of children, the WINNER, on noting the weakness and sorrow of the LOSER, finds this an invitation! This Favored WINNER of the battle, who is naturally always seeking acclaim for themselves, as every child does, now takes full advantage of the situation to further beat down the LOSER and exacerbate their sense of LOSS! They make sure to maximize the pain of their arch rival!
As adults, we are usually not privy to the antics carried on by the WINNER of a SIBLING RIVALRY, since they are often subtle. They may take the form of ridicule, mocking facial expressions, telling tales or encouraging the parents to repeat punishments as in “See what s/he did?”. The Favored child may say “He never does what you say, does he Mommy?” Or they may chime in with the parents to emphasize that the punishment they assign is well deserved, such as “Ya, Cain! See what you did? You deserve to be punished!” Or, there may be random slips and expressions of joy and pleasure in one’s own contented Emotional state and the Emotional failure of the other that silently indicate: “See how happy I am, and how miserable YOU are?!!”, and so on. Even if there is NO teasing or gloating on the part of the Favored child, the mere recognition of their comparative status is sufficient to be a constant reminder and irritant to the unfortunate Disfavored sibling. In the case of Cain and Abel we do not have sufficient information about their intimate intra-familial interactions to know exactly the nature or manner of gloating, or whether indeed it took place.
So a warning here to parents, who often make the mistake of siding with their Favored child. It is often observed that a Favored child seems very righteous and seriously willing to “help” the beleaguered parents deal with and manage the behavior of, their Disfavored sibling. Please take note that it is a cardinal NO-NO to engage the Favored child’s help by allowing them to admonish, discipline or otherwise give advice to parents about how they or others should treat their Disfavored sibling. DOLF informs us that parents should recognize that the offer of help by a well-behaved sibling is just another part of the ploy by the Favored child to WIN more favor, social acclaim, approval and power in the sibling struggle for supremacy! From the point of view of the Disfavored child, parents siding with their arch rival Favored sibling is the worst, most dreaded situation of social disgrace. It shines a spotlight on the behavior of the “good” child by comparison and worsens the appearance of the “bad” child and, but by purporting to be of “help” to parents, the Favored one dupes us into believing their sincerity and only causes parents to further feed into their children’s desperate, Anger-driven, on-going rivalry.
In such situations, DOLF advice is that the Favored sibling should stay far away, and have the least possible contact with the Disfavored one. They should especially be kept away, or voluntarily stay away from the ongoing dynamics or negotiations between the Disfavored child and the parents. The reason behind this strategy is that DOLF recognizes that the Favored child is, of course, the arch enemy of the Disfavored one, and that in fact nothing could be more irritating to the Disfavored one than to have their goody-goody Favored sibling giving advice about their wellbeing. It amounts to an insult of huge proportions! From a DOLF perspective, how good can the Favored sibling’s advice be anyways, when as we have learned, this child too only has their own personal interests at heart, and NOT the interests of their rival Disfavored sibling! In adult or legal terminology we might call the situation a glaring CONFLICT OF INTEREST or situation where one is giving advice on a problem in which they themselves are integrally involved! (An example of this is provided in a case study blog titled: A Successful Woman)
The horrifying outcome of the biblical story about two brothers is that Cain’s Anger spins out of control. It breaks through to take mastery of his mind, soul and behavior, ultimately giving rise to a criminal act. He becomes so overwhelmed by Anger and jealousy that he KILLS his younger brother. Cain carries out this evil deed because he feels humiliated, LESS LOVED and DISFAVORED by his beloved Lord. His motivation is that he was mortified by his own inability to capture his Lord’s LOVE, and burned up with jealousy over the apparent greater LOVE that his brother had managed to attract.
At the conclusion, like a common criminal, Cain ran away to hide himself. His behavior betrays his shame and guilt for his wretched crime. He ran away as well for fear, because he realized he would face the Anger of his superior, and have to face the consequences. However, our story clearly demonstrates that he did not think about the consequences beforehand, and that even if he did, the consequences would not have been a sufficient deterrent, compared with the overwhelming power of his Emotions of (a) Anger or rage, his (b) Depression or personal humiliation, combined with his (c) Anxiety or Emotional agony and fear. Cain’s punishment was to be forever banished from his life of comfort, condemned to living a life of fear and anonymity, and not considered good enough to be the bearer of future generations of humanity in the service of his Lord. So with Abel dead and Cain exiled, the situation in the Garden of Eden remained static until the arrival of a third son to Adam and Eve, Seth. As it is written, Seth was now raised as a single child by his parents and the one from whom the majority of people today are descended.
So we see that in so many ways this ancient story, hidden between volumes of scriptures and interpretations, remains unrecognized for its admonishing and its potential contribution to our understanding of human nature. Yet strangely, it seems to mimic the realities we face in our day-to-day family relationships. It perfectly coincides with and supports DOLF theory, and is an excellent example of the supremacy of LOVE, human instinct and Emotion over thought and logic in determining human behavior.
In Creation – Part 4, we will explain the strange process through which diversity of character unfolds and takes place in human nature.
