DOLIF Theory warns us that the Mind of a Child functions by pure Emotion and Instinct. This is contrary to the Adult Mind that is governed by Intelligence, reason and logic. DOLIF alerts us that the first two children in any family are perpetually wrapped up in a desperate, bitter SIBLING RIVALRY over the LOVE of their parents, but that parents and educators are currently unaware of these hidden Emotional dynamics.
In the first biblical story of Genesis that deals with the Creation of the world, the Lord acted as the figurative family head or parent to Cain and Abel. The Lord made a choice to welcome Abel’s sacrifice but reject Cain’s. For the boys this clearly became fodder for a SIBLING WAR. It became a WAR that was fraught with Anxiety for all, but mainly infused with Anger. For Cain, when the Lord chose Abel’s gift but rejected his, it meant he had LOST the SIBLING WAR with his younger brother. With the LOSS of this battle came the LOSS of the most precious commodity of childhood – the parental LOVE that Cain felt he deserved too, and was naturally entitled to like his brother. Acting within his Mind of a Child, Cain’s thought process was NOT that “I didn’t act with honesty and I should have sacrificed my very best for my Lord“. Rather, his Emotionally-determined Mind of a Child limited his thinking to: “Why DOESN’T MY LORD LOVE ME AS MUCH AS HE LOVES MY BROTHER?” Because of his Emotion-based, egocentric reasoning, seething, uncontrolled Anger poured into Cain’s consciousness, filling and completely occupying it. Despite all logic, it gave him virtually NO CHOICE but to act on his feelings. In other words, it was his Emotion that ultimately pushed him, obliging him to commit his actions and the heinous behavior that WE eventually witnessed. Yet there is little doubt that Cain himself, in his own mind, felt he was in the right!
Now of course in our logical minds, the Lord acted perfectly reasonably and did what you or I or any parent might have done. There is no doubt that the Lord’s acceptance of Abel’s offer was a justifiable, practical decision and a well-thought-out, justifiable Intellectual choice. As we can all understand, the Lord naturally appreciated Abel’s honesty and sincerity over Cain’s apparent selfishness and egotism. Any parent would have done the same. Yet from Cain’s point of view, operating within his Mind of a Child, he received the Almighty’s choice as a personal insult. It was a deeply hurtful gesture that was received as an attack on Cain’s self esteem and an affront to his dignity and self-respect. Cain saw it as a rejection of himself. It made him feel as if he himself was NOT worthwhile as a person. Worst of all was the comparison of his own failure to WIN the precious LOVE with his brother’s success in WINNING that LOVE! To him it was an indication that, Emotionally speaking, he was LESS LOVED than his younger brother, or Disfavored in comparison.
This was clearly the way that Cain felt despite the fact that WE know he DID NOT offer his best crop, and he surely knew it too. Yet Cain took his Lord’s action to mean He had LESS LOVE for him than He held for Abel –regardless of the “choice” that Cain had made about how he should have behaved toward his Maker!
So now that we understand the differences in the thinking and reasoning behind the actions of both Cain and his Lord, we can ask: Did Cain really have a “choice” about how to act? A common behavioral or CBT approach would claim that yes, Cain did have a “choice”, and consciously made that choice NOT to act in the best way possible to please his parental figure. But through DOLIF we also learn that adjacent siblings instinctually strive to be opposite to each other. So on the one hand, Cain was constrained by his Mind of a Child and clearly did NOT think or act the way that a logical attitude would have dictated. But rather, like an immature youth using his Mind of a Child, we witness that Cain was unable to connect the dots between his behavior and his punishment – that selfishness or egotism WE so clearly perceive from the outside that would soon lead to consequences. It becomes evident to us that Cain could NOT distinguish, grasp or understand the link between his own actions and the consequences that his father figure imposed. Such logical Intellectual thoughts were surpassed and overshadowed by his unrelenting Emotionally sourced INSTINCTS that led him to behave as he did. It had to be unique and opposite to his younger brother’s personality and behavioral style. And he would try to solicit LOVE in ways that were different from, or even opposed to, the tactics that his soft-natured brother used. His effort was to try to elicit that same LOVE from their Lord that he felt his brother had gained.
Due to our Mind of an Adult, these are very strange concepts for us to fathom. To Cain, the Lord’s decision to reject his offer implied that HE held disdain for, disrespected, undermined, felt displeasure and resented Cain’s efforts. It DID NOT mean to Cain, as the common interpretation would have us believe and our Adult Mind would have thought, that his Lord was only rejecting his behavior but still LOVED him., This would mimic the CBT advice that we explain our disciplinary actions to our children by saying “I LOVE you, but I don’t LIKE what you’re doing!” From his point of view, Cain did NOT think, cogitate over or mentally contemplate whether his offer of vegetables was actually his best or not. NOR did he blame himself for reaching the wrong conclusion or making the wrong decision about what to bring to the altar. Not at all. To Cain his Lord’s action sent an Emotional message and bore Emotional consequences. It meant that the LORD WAS REJECTING HIM AS A PERSON – CAIN HIMSELF! For Cain, LOVE was the only thing that mattered and he had lost his Lord’s LOVE! We know this because later on we see how truly devastated and desperate he became.
Now if we look from Abel’s point of view at the Lord’s acceptance of Abel’s offer, and what it meant to Abel, an entirely different picture emerges. From this perspective we see that while the Lord had given no praise to his hapless brother Cain, in comparison, Abel had received the ultimate praise in the form of blessings and approval in exchange for his heartfelt obedience to his Lord’s request. In Emotional terms or the language of a child, this implied to both boys that the Lord felt that He Himself was more attached to, aligned with, understood, empathized with, smiled upon, approved of and ultimately LOVED or FAVORED Abel MORE in comparison with Cain. So both Abel and Cain both felt that Abel had WON the silent, desperate, underground SIBLING WAR. And now Abel could enjoy the luxury of being the recipient of that most precious commodity in life – the praise, adulation and LOVE of their Prime LOVING Parental figure, or PLG.
In DOLIF theory and the Mind of a Child, the struggle to WIN the SIBLING WAR is a matter of Emotional life or death. It comes down to self-respect, pride, social status and personal acclaim. The Lord’s choice, which was founded in adult logic in the Adult Mind, not only amounted to Favoring Abel. In Emotional terms it also meant that Abel had been awarded SUPERIOR social status and recognition, but that by inference, Cain had been granted LESSER or INFERIOR social status and recognition. Far more important than a simple story about a religious sacrifice by two teenaged boys then, this is a tale about one WINNER and one LOSER of a SIBLING WAR, with all its associated social implications.
If this first bible story is in fact intended as a lesson to us, DOLIF theory concurs with it’s moral teachings. In its depth, the story can be viewed as instructing us to anticipate friction among our children, even though we may not understand it. It draws attention, as DOLIF does, to the paramount importance of parental FAVORITISM in child development. It highlights the fragility of the human psyche and the deep-seated penetrating effects of social approval and disapproval. In DOLIF this intrafamilial paradigm that consists of interactions that are standard in all families, is believed to be the ultimate secret Emotional determinant of ALL future adjustment in personality and behavior. DOLIF explains that FAVORITISM implies acknowledgment, respect, social status, recognition and privilege given to one person over another, and that within the context of the Mind of a Child, every child is relentlessly sensitive to such attributions, just as the brothers in this story were. As elucidated by DOLIF theory, this process begins with the way feelings of Favoritism are expressed and demonstrated through one’s personal social position relative to the next born sibling inside the tiny microcosm of the Family of Origin. Both the bible story and DOLIF point to FAVORITISM as the major source of self-definition and self-respect for children, and both lead us to conclude that Favoritism is a phenomenon that ALL children attach to the actions and reactions of their superiors toward themselves as individual humans.
So if this bible story is meant to provide us with a standard example of the way that ALL human families function, and will function throughout time, and how our individual lives are prescribed to unfold inside each family unit now and forever, then DOLIF theory supports and aligns itself very well with this lesson.
(Continued in Creation – Part 3)
