A grandmother came in asking for help with handling her 7-year-old grandson. She said he was about to be expelled from school because the teachers found him impossible to control. She told me several stories about his aggressive behavior, beating up other children, disrupting classes, refusing to listen or be quiet, not doing homework and more. He was the third of four children with two older brothers of 12 and 9 years, and a last born 4-year-old sister.
As I always do, I first looked to identify the PLG and ALG in that family. From our discussion I gathered that her son-in-law was the more easy-going, soft-natured, loving parent, making him the Prime Love Giver, while her daughter, the Additional Love Provider, was a strong, outspoken, demanding parent who insisted on running her family like an army camp. Everyone, including her husband, had their duties lined up and, although the woman assured me her daughter was not physically abusive to the children, if they failed to do her bidding, they suffered severe verbal reprimand, cold shoulder, belittling, time out, ostracism from family activities, etc.
In the first session the grandmother came alone, and by the end we agreed her daughter was bearing down too hard on this 7-year-old boy, since he was the least compliant of the children. Since this seemed to be the most likely cause of the pent-up anger he was displaying at school, we initially thought she might tell her daughter to ease up on disciplining the boy. However, we also agreed this strategy might isolate him and make him feel different from the other three children in the family, singling him out if he were to get any extra privileges, which the others might resent. In any case, she expressed she felt her daughter might not go along with this tactic, as she was not likely to change her ways. So for the next visit I asked her to bring all the children into my office for my own observation, and the dynamics I saw were truly revealing.
The four children attended with their mother and grandmother, and on first meeting the family as a group, I noticed the children were all very giggly and defensive, though their overall behavior didn’t lead me to any conclusions. The mother, while she was stern, did not appear to be making severe attempts at discipline, at least not in my presence. Then as I usually do, I took each child into my office separately and spoke with each one alone very casually, starting with the oldest. The 12-year-old boy seemed confident and courteous, informing me that he gets along well in school, achieves good grades and has many friends. The second, 9-year-old boy, seemed by comparison rather passive, not as jovial as his older brother, but unchallenging and compliant, and when asked, he gave a similar report about achieving adequately in school and getting along well with others. However, in an effort to pinpoint Favoritism and any hostilities that might exist among the children, I asked him “How does it work between you children at home – do you all play together, do you play in groups, who plays with whom the most?” With a little snicker he confided that his older brother was “the leader” of the pack among the children, and “we all usually follow him”.
Then it came time to speak with the 7-year-old, the child in trouble, in my office by himself, while the others waited in the waiting area. While we spoke I noticed that the oldest, his 12-year-old brother who was in the waiting room, insisted on standing behind the door and making slight noises, often giggling, and was joined by the younger two. Soliciting the participation of his two younger 9 and 4-year-old siblings, the three of them hovered outside our door and had no hesitation about pretending to try to listen to our conversation. Besides the fact that our privacy was being interrupted by their crowding at the door and making noise, he eventually pushed the door wide open and barged in with the other 2 children in tow, all in the spirit of creating a ruckus and joking about the matter! By the time the mother was able to discipline him it was already too late and our conversation had been disrupted.
It was obvious to me now that this oldest boy was leading the other two to gang up on their 7-year-old brother. I now recognized this was the most likely cause of the agitation that was making the third child behave in an unruly manner in school. Now I could understand and personally sympathize with the Anger this 7-year-old must be experiencing, since I myself had now reacted with shock and Anger and could sense the atmosphere of teasing, bullying and “picking on” this child that was being organized by the oldest one. It was obvious to me that the oldest son was soliciting the allegiance of his 9-year-old brother and youngest sister to form a group of three siblings to “gang up”, mock and torment their younger third born 7-year-old brother.
So next came the task of unraveling this situation, but in a case like this, once a pattern of interaction has been established where all the members of the family are entrenched in a certain mode of behavior and one child is singled out as the scapegoat, it becomes extremely difficult to reverse the trend. We must not forget that not only are the parents and siblings set in their beliefs about the scapegoated child, but that these impressions have also become firmly established in the minds of social contacts such as teachers and friends, as well as the subject boy himself. For the oldest boy, there seems to be some sadistic pleasure in tormenting this younger, weaker family member. However, in the context of siblinghood, what we might classify as sadism is not unusual. This is because, as we have said and in line with DOLF Theory, the most intense of human Emotions reside within the context of the sibling relationship. Not only does the task become for parents and other adults to change the way they see the scapegoated child, but they must also change the way other children, especially his siblings, view and behave toward him, as well as the beliefs he holds about himself.
As per DOLF Theory, since the behavior of children is not governed by logic, the best overall go-to strategy is to try to separate the siblings as much as possible. For no matter how one might try to discipline them, reeducate them or try to stop them from exercising their perpetual “one upmanship” or social climbing to outdo each other, the struggle is an ongoing, endless one. In this case for example, it is not likely that the oldest boy will comply easily, as he apparently has much to gain in the way of self-aggrandizement by continuing his current pattern of torment on the third child. The 9-year-old and 5-year-old, who are participating in ‘ganging up’ with the 12-year-old to create a threesome bullying group, should be separated from the middle brother, perhaps by trying to occupy them, as well as him, each in their own age-appropriate activities.
Another tactic in this case would be to separate the two groups, so that the two older ones could spend time together while the two younger ones spend time together as well. This would be contrary to the intuitive tendency of almost any parent to group the three boys together and treat the younger daughter separately in her own category as a female. Since the grandmother played a significant role in this family, I asked her whether she could take the two younger ones to activities that they could enjoy on their own, such as playing in the park or doing certain creative activities which would probably not interest the older ones. They could also try to find activities such as sports that would interest the two older boys, but be too advanced for the younger ones. As well, depending on his talents, the family could try to find areas where they could encourage the 7-year-old to achieve well, shine on his own and be admired by the rest for his accomplishments. In sum I explained that the crux of the treatment should center around protecting the 7-year-old from the torment and teasing imposed by the 3 others, while at the same time enhancing his confidence by promoting his particular abilities and interests.
This grandmother called later to say she believed the advice was very accurate and that the parents, now aware of the source of the child’s anxieties and agitation, were doing their best to avoid group activities that would place the 7-year-old under the influence of his older brothers, and paying special attention to him on his own. They had also explained this dynamic to his teachers and educators so they could better handle the situation in school.
