Today I went to see a good friend who is a professional, and we chatted casually while she practiced her trade on me. Because we know each other well, I asked about her family, her husband, son of 15 and daughter of 13. She is a highly educated and skilled professional who is dedicated to her family life, has the support of her husband, grandparents who raised her, and does everything in her power to manage her home, family and professional life to a high level of perfection.
To my generic question “How’s the family?”, she replied with the standard “Oh, they’re doing well. The kids are getting on fine in school, do their homework and their lessons. My son is good at math and he likes his martial arts”. Later she continued “There are some challenges…….but its only normal.” “Like what?” I asked. “Well, my son really needs me all the time, and I have a soft spot for him, you know.” She smiled sheepishly, as if to say “Yes, I’m guilty of Favoring him, since we had discussed DOLIF Theory before.
I tried to figure out whether the PLG in the family is herself or her husband, but she has always been careful not to give me any clues. She made a point of telling me that they are equal partners in raising the children, that each plays a vital role in the children’s lives, and that there is no difference in the duties they carry out in their routine. She then reiterated that: “My husband and I both do everything when it comes to the house or the children”. Shortly afterward, apparently in an effort to appease her guilty conscience, she added “But my daughter is really close to her father. That’s the way it works in our family: my daughter has her father, and my son has me (smile)”. Then to ward off more guilt she added “They try to play us off against each other. If they want something and one of us says no, they go to the other one. But we’re on top of that! We consult each other and keep things consistent between us”, referring to standard CBT practices of teamwork and consistency among parents.
All the while, knowing as per DOLIF that parents inevitably divide into Prime and Additional Love Giving roles, and that Favoritism is always a key issue in every “normal” family, I’m thinking la-de-da-de-da-de-da……, but I said “Okay” and left it at that.
So she continued her treatment on me. About ten minutes later she piped up again to say “Yesterday my daughter was upset with me, so she started hitting me. She’s bigger than me now.” She shrugged and added I didn’t know what to do, so I hit her back”. Now, I know my friend is far from a child abuser, but since I wasn’t in a position to respond right away, I just said nothing and we went on to other small talk while she finished working on me.
As I was preparing to leave I looked at her and said “You know, your daughter is Angry with you because you’re too close with your son.” She smiled, a little surprised. But pursing her lips she conceded: “You got it right! I guess that’s why you’re the expert!”. “I just listen carefully” I replied. “You said she was hitting you, and you told me you have a soft spot for him. That means she’s Angry with you because you’re Favoring her brother“. Then realizing she was probably now open to listening to more, I continued: “Sometimes you really have to grit your teeth and pretend you love them, even in moments when you know you don’t. And that’s tough!”
I didn’t mention that without realizing it she had disclosed that she is the PLG to her family. This she did by admitting she is connected with her son who is apparently of a more gentle, compliant nature than his sister, leading me to recognize he is the Favored child. I know this because of the LOVE she expressed when she spoke of her son. In contrast, her daughter’s reaction of Anger toward her mother shows me that her daughter is feeling Disfavored by comparison, and envies her brother’s position of warmth, LOVE and connection with their mother. This is true despite the mother’s declaration that the daughter turns to her father for affection. All in all, these factors indicated to me that my friend Favors her son, that her daughter is jealous of her brother, and that she is Angry with her mother for favoring him, which is the reason for her physical assault of her mother!
I told my friend about my observations, and she agreed. However, next I will describe the difficulty of a parent who recognizes their own bias and has the best intentions to spread their LOVE equally among them.II
