A mystery that has long baffled scientists is: How is it that identical or monozygotic twins look exactly alike from the outside and have the same DNA, but are so different on the inside in personality and behavior? Recent studies have searched for slight alterations in their DNA. But identical twins are created from a single embryo, which gives them each the same identical chemical and cellular structure. So are their differences due to nature or nurture? Now DOLIF explains that these distinctions are most likely due to social-environmental factors related to Emotions and interactions.
When it comes to identical twins, the media serves up an attractive myth of sameness. Stories are featured about identical twins who are inseparable, get along swimmingly, are very loving toward each other, dress alike and do everything as a team. The myth of sameness is also promoted by annual twin conventions that are held in “Twinsburg”, Ohio. Yet when we interview parents, friends, relatives and even the twins themselves, they tell us that once you get to know them, identical twins are as different as day and night. We find that no matter how much they may look alike from the outside, identical twins never feel the same inside. Their differences come to light in therapy when we speak with them and examine their Emotional status. With DOLIF we know that it would actually feel unnatural for any adjacent siblings, including identical twins, to want to be the same because their instincts constantly needle them to drive them apart from each other.
When identical twins seem to be friendly and appear to be getting along well, DOLIF theorizes that this is because they have a Leader-Follower adjustment. This means that if we look closely into their relationship, one of them is the Leader and the other is the Follower. The Leader is the twin who is more strong-willed, socially savvy, aggressive and driven. In DOLIF terms this twin is probably Less Favored or Disfavored in comparison with their identical sibling. The other twin who is the Follower is of a more gentle, compliant temperament and possesses characteristics that are more congruent with a Favored personality such as jovial and trusting of others.
In most cases where identical twins grow up in normal families, they pursue separate interests just like regular siblings, except that they may have a greater chance of following similar paths because they are of the same age and sex, and are probably treated more or less alike because they are lumped together as a group. However, some cases of stark disparity leap out at us because of how extreme their differences can be! Such is the case when one identical twin turns to a life of crime while the other grows up to be an honest, law-abiding citizen. Another dividing line is sexual orientation. We are shocked when we find that one identical twin is distinctly heterosexual while the other is a confirmed homosexual!
One case of extreme differences cited in my book refers to a set of Siamese-American twins named Chang and Eng who were born in the 1800’s. These boys were conjoined at the hip and never separated. They shared a common blood supply and hormones, so there was no possibility of difference in their nutrients or cells. However just like ordinary siblings, their personalities and behavior were diametrically opposed. They were reported to be of completely different minds and known to argue vigorously about how to conduct themselves socially and in their business affairs. One of them smoked, drank, hung out in bars, sought out wanton women and pursued all the vices of that era, while his brother was straight-laced, well-mannered and an upstanding model citizen. They each married different women, fathered their own children, had normal families and became wealthy plantation owners.
Research has attempted to explain these differences, but never arrived at plausible conclusions. The movie “Three Identical Strangers” reports a longitudinal research project that tried to prove sameness among identical twins. The experiment sought to settle the age-old debate about nature vs. nurture by showing how similar three monozygotic or identical boys would be even when they were raised apart. The story took place in New York City in the 1940’s when a set of identical triplet boys were deliberately separated at birth for the sake of research and were given up for adoption to three different families. As fate would have it, during their adolescence they happened to meet through friends. Like their researchers, when they met each other they were expecting to confront their likenesses and enjoy the warmth of a family reunification. But it soon became obvious that their greater priority was their feeling of betrayal about the secrecy around their separation. This was accompanied by disappointment because they expected a sense of camaraderie with their siblings, which was frustrated. In fact, it would be fair to say that they experienced an uncomfortable sense of alienation from each other which, combined with their sense of social betrayal, actually caused them serious distress and emotional disturbance. The experiment ended up indicating exactly the opposite of its goal. Surprising to the researchers, it supported the idea that each boy had grown up to be mentally and Emotionally very, very different. The boys were entirely different in their behavioral and personality traits, and this was attributed to the disparity in their environments. It was a baffling outcome at the time because it shed negative light on the theory that heredity, nature, genes or DNA are the dominant factors when it comes to personality and behavior. There were in fact enormous objective differences among the boys in their states of mental health and wellness. One of the boys tragically ended up taking his own life, while the two remaining boys chose to fade into anonymity because they would rather not face the scrutiny of researchers and the press that relentlessly pursued them. In short, the experiment was a complete disappointment and unsuccessful in proving what the researchers had set out to show, which is that cells and DNA are the determining factors in human destiny. Unfortunately, the outcome was neither a gratifying nor a happy one for anyone involved.
Another example of the differences between identical twins comes from the Dr. Phil show on television. This episode featured a set of 8-year-old identical male triplets who were raised at home by their two natural loving parents. These three boys were afforded all the privileges of modern society and each of their ambitions was thoroughly indulged by their doting parents. Of course DOLIF would predict that these boys would vary significantly in their manner and style of behavior and be driven by their instincts to WANT to be different from each other.
Yet I was dazzled by the actual facts! One boy loved sports and fervently wished to belong to a team of sportsmen when he grew up. He affirmed this identity by decorating his room with everything he could find about sports such as team banners, trophies and memorabilia of various sports and players. The second brother focused his interest on the military and collected as many souvenirs as he could about combat and war. He wore camouflage fatigues, decorated his room with military paraphernalia and wanted nothing more than to become a soldier when he grew up. The third identical twin had the ambition to become a girl! This child did everything he could to emulate the female gender, including decorating his room in pink, painting his nails, coloring his hair and putting on make-up. Now one might legitimately ask how this could happen if DNA were the sole determinant of a human being. But observation alone is a powerful contradiction of this belief in heredity, even though one might easily jump to it! Rather, this example strongly supports a theory such as DOLIF that promotes an environmental rather than a genetic basis for human behavior and personality!
In my own experience I treated a set of identical twin 8 year old boys. The presenting problem was that one of them was constantly arguing with his brother, attacking him and provoking fights. He was described as more aggressive, while the other was placid, even tempered and minded his own business. He would play for hours with his toy trucks and trains and arrange his vehicles in towns with gas stations, train stops, roadways and railways. However, his brother would come around and destroy them, creating incessant conflict and disturbance in the household.
They initially came in with their mother, who explained she was in the process of a separation and divorce, and that their father had moved out of the home about three months prior. She had a daughter, five years older, who had gone to live with their father, a successful businessman. On speaking briefly with the the boys and their mother in the first session, I found the mother to be extremely attentive to the boys’ needs. She struck me as very kind and benevolent, so I assumed she was their Prime Loving parent. She looked the children in the eyes, was soft-spoken and addressed each one of their concerns separately and attentively. She gently asked the aggressive child to tell me (the therapist) why he was always hitting his brother, and when he lowered his head in apparent shame, she added “Come on, sweetheart, we know you don’t mean it. Just tell the nice lady how you feel.” I spoke with her alone at length and gave her my standard advice that the more aggressive child was probably feeling Disfavored, and that she should turn her attention to him to calm the situation.
The following session was more or less a repeat of the first one, except that Mother told me she had increased the time she was spending with the aggressive twin as well as giving him more hugs and generally directing more of her LOVE toward him. However strangely, there had been little difference in his behavior and attitude toward his brother. He was still being mean and taking every chance to destroy his brother’s creative projects. Seeing little progress and quite baffled myself, in the third session I took the opportunity to interview the boys together at length without their mother. We spoke casually about how they liked to spend their time, their school work, friends and social lives. A little frustrated at this point I asked them directly: “Boys, what would you like the most? What would make you most happy?” And without a tinge of hesitation they both responded in unison: We want to go and stay with our father!
What a surprise!! Here I had taken it for granted that their mother was their PLG when in fact it was their father, who had moved away and was out of their reach! I realized that the source of their frustration was the separation from their father, who must be their Prime Love Giver, or PLG. So I spoke with their mother, who explained that the separation was an amicable one and that both parents were cooperative in relation to child-rearing. She promised to do her best to arrange for their father to bring the boys to the next session, which he did. In that session we spoke as a group for some time and I asked their father if he would be willing to spend more time with the twins, to which he readily agreed. Moreover besides his weekend visits, he further pledged to make special time to spend with them each week. So asked the children to wait outside for a while as I explained to this father his psychological importance to the children, which he seemed to understand and take very seriously. Like many PLG parents, he expressed that he was not aware of the importance of his psychological role in his children’s lives, and was grateful when I informed him about it.
A few weeks later, mother brought the boys in for the fourth and final session. I immediately noticed that the aggressive child was now sporting a fancy spiked hairdo, and on walking in, looked visibly more confident. She remarked that he had made many new friends in school, that he was doing a good job with his homework and especially that bothering his brother was not a concern any more. Regular visits with their father and sleepovers had been arranged and she felt they were making excellent progress. Both she and I made a point of commending the previously more aggressive boy for his change in behavior, and as soon as we did, the passive twin, looking on furtively, piped up to say “He wouldn’t be so good if it wasn’t for me!”, to which his now self-assured brother didn’t even bother to react.
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Parents tell us that their identical twins are as different as night and day, and the twins themselves, as well as their friends and relatives, report the same. The truth is that no matter how much they may look alike on the outside, identical twins are never the same inside! In fact on close inspection, they divide up exactly the same way as ordinary siblings. That is, when raised together they grow up to be diametric opposites! Evidence indicates that identical twins NEVER want to be the same as each other. Moreover, they even seem to make their utmost effort to be different!
In some cases the differences leap out at us, such as when one identical twin is a criminal and the other is an honest, law-abiding citizen. Or, we are shocked to find that one twin is distinctly heterosexual while the other is a confirmed homosexual! One case cited in my book is a pair of Siamese-American twins Chang and Eng, born in the 1800’s. These boys were conjoined at the hip and shared a blood supply and hormones, so there is no possibility of any differences in their cells! However just like ordinary siblings, their personalities and behavior were diametrically opposed. They are reported to be of completely different minds and to have had have vigorous disputes, such as how to conduct themselves and their business affairs. One of them smoked, drank, hung out in bars, sought wanton women and followed all the vices of the time, while the other was straight-laced, well-mannered and an upstanding, model citizen. They each married different women, apparently had normal family lives and both became wealthy plantation owners.
Numerous research studies have tried to explain the remarkable differences in the character and behavior patterns of identical twins.
The movie “Three Identical Strangers” presents a good example of separate identities. It is the story of a set of identical triplets, three boys who were separated at birth and reared apart in different families as part of a research project. They happened to come to know each other during their adolescence and, like their researchers, were expecting to meet their likenesses and enjoy the warmth and comfort of a reunification. However, the boys were surprised and upset by their sense of alienation, as were their researchers. It was an experiment that had hoped to solve the age-old dilemma of nature vs. nurture, that is, to show that the boys would be much the same. However, it ended up indicating exactly the opposite – that the boys were in fact very different in their behavior and personality traits, a finding that shed negative light on the theory that genes or DNA are the overwhelming factors in ascertaining personality and behavior. The boys were not at all alike and there were enormous differences in their comparative states of mental health and wellness, which amazed the researchers. One of the boys tragically took his own life following the reunification, and the two remain ones would rather fade into anonymity today. In short, the experiment was a disappointment and was not successful in proving what the researchers had set out to prove. In addition, little if anything had been learned, and the outcome was not a happy one.
Another example comes from the Dr. Phil show. It told of a set of 8-year-old identical triplet boys who had been raised in their own home with two loving parents. These boys were afforded the full privileges of modern society to become whatever they want to be, and their ambitions were indeed wildly varied. One boy wanted to take part in sports and belong to a team of sportsmen. He affirmed his identity by decorating his room with everything he could find about sports such as team banners, trophies, memorabilia of various sports and such. The second brother focused his interest on the military and collected as many military souvenirs as he could. He wore camouflage fatigues, decorated his room with military paraphernalia and wanted nothing more than to become a soldier. The third twin had the ambition to become a girl. This child did everything he could to emulate the female gender, including painting his nails, coloring his hair, putting on make-up and decorating his room in pink. Now one might legitimately ask how this could happen if DNA were the sole determinant of a human being. But the observational evidence certainly supports a theory such as DOLIF that advocated for an environmental rather than a genetic basis for behavior and personality!
