The story of Cain and Abel is a classic example of SIBLING RIVALRY brought on by a subtle, but very real, variance in parental LOVE. In this biblical tale of Creation about two brothers, their Maker acted as their Prime Love Giving parent or PLG. The offering made by the younger brother Abel, was accepted by his Lord because Abel sacrificed the best of his herd. However, the Lord rejected the gift offered by the older brother, Cain, because Cain did NOT give up the best of his product to his Lord, but selfishly kept his finest crops for himself to enjoy.
In earlier segments we learned that in the eyes of the boys, or the Mind of a Child, the real-world aspect of their gesture, that is, the actual vegetables and meat they offered, meant little or nothing to the boys. Instead, with their Emotionally-based thinking, they NEITHER understood the words of their substitute parent and Lord, NOR appreciated His view of fairness. While the Lord’s actions correspond well with our own mature ways of thinking or Adult Mind, in their childish views, the boys understood and responded only to the underlying Emotional dynamic of FAVORITISM that was implied in their Lord’s actions. They did NOT think: WHAT did WE do to deserve this outcome? Instead they thought: WHO does our PLG LOVE more? And based on their Lord’s actions when He accepted Abel’s offer but not Cain’s, they concluded that He LOVED Abel more!
In the context of such a SIBLING WAR, children are acutely aware of how their parents respond to their behavior, that is, with approval and LOVE, or disapproval and refusal or DENIAL OF LOVE. They learn about these social consequences through their interactions in the Family of Origin, or by the ways that their parents treat them as a consequence of their behavior. However, it also becomes clear that children do NOT understand OUR reasons for denial of LOVE to them. They do NOT see themselves as the individuals we see, but always as siblings whom they feel are constantly being compared with each other by outsiders, mainly their parents. And they perceive and focus only on their immediately next born sibling as their main arch rival and enemy in that all-consuming competition.
In the Mind of a Child embroiled in this SIBLING RIVALRY WAR we discover now that there are WINNERS and LOSERS! In their mind the act of choosing to honor one sibling and refute another, is to award respect, social prestige and acclaim to one. In this biblical example the actions of their Lord made Abel the WINNER and now the acclaim would belong to him. Therefore, in their SIBLING RIVALRY Emotional mode, this automatically made Cain the LOSER! The request from their Maker for a sacrifice only became grounds for each of them to compete for His LOVE, and His choice to accept one and refute the other was the critical factor that fed into their already existing and festering SIBLING RIVALRY. So the Lord’s choice only played into and exacerbated their natural Anger with each other, an Anger that became whipped into a whirlwind of hatred that they could never dismiss or forget. In the end it generated such extreme bitterness that it led to the greatest sin that could ever be committed by one human being against another – murder! (See the blogs about Ted Kaczynski for an explanation of the motivations behind this kind of criminal behavior.)
We note here incidentally that, contrary to Birth Order Theory where the first born child is always assumed to be the Favorite, in the case of these two boys, it did NOT matter that Cain was the older son. The important factor that determined this disastrous course of events was the Lord’s preference or display of apparent FAVORITISM toward the younger sibling, Abel. It was the FAVORITISM and NOT the birth order the boys perceived and responded to. And it was the FAVORITISM that exerted the ultimate overwhelming influence over their feelings and behavior. So contrary to popular belief about birth order and in line with DOLIF explanations of child behavior, age is NOT a factor in deciding Favoritism among warring siblings. Experience dictates that an age difference of even 10 years or more does NOT prevent the natural eruption of rivalrous feelings among adjacent siblings over parental LOVE. DOLIF theory goes even farther, informing us that in addition to age and birth order, gender and even ability or disability are NOT factors that decide which sibling will become the Favored one and which will become the Disfavored one.
*************************** Chapter 4 *************************
Bragging, Teasing and Humiliation
Now another layer of interpretation is added to this paradigm. It is one that relates to social and interactional factors. That is, in the immature Mind of a Child, Favored status ALWAYS implies the right, permission or entitlement to BRAG, TEASE AND HUMILIATE the opponent! Whether spoken or unspoken, it is a cardinal rule in the world of children that, if you are chosen to be Favored by authority figures, you are automatically considered socially superior. This entitlement brings with it not only amplified social status but also BRAGGING RIGHTS! It is a universal rule that governs the way children understand, think and feel about the world. That is, because they think in very primitive Emotional terms and because Favoritism is always on their minds, any child who is perceived as enjoying greater privilege, and who is able to garner MORE LOVE or FAVOR from the prime parent / PLG, becomes perceived as the one who is WINNING the SIBLING WAR. This privileged child is then automatically perceived as enjoying advanced social status and respect. It happens in the same way as “teacher’s pet” in the classroom, wherein one child gains advantage above others by securing the allegiance of the superior, and from there, is in a position to command the respect of peers. The same principles carry over into adulthood where people try to “top” one another by accumulating more assets, money or success than others, much like our competition with the “Jonses” next door. These are feelings of competition and rivalry that are spurred in ALL humans by the negative Emotions of Anger, Depression and Anxiety, and represent efforts to advance our social status in the eyes of others, and self-respect within ourselves. They all stem from feelings in childhood of having been short-changed or outdone by an adjacent sibling who was more LOVED or Favored by our parents than ourselves.
For adults, it might come as a shock that the natural social sequel to being Favored is that this child is now entitled to brag, tease, humiliate and insult the sibling who LOSES the battle. But in the world of children, the WINNER, on noting the weakness and sorrow of the LOSER, finds this an invitation! This Favored WINNER of the battle, who is naturally always seeking more acclaim for themselves, as every child does, now takes full advantage of the situation to further beat down the LOSER and exacerbate their sense of LOSS. In both big and small ways they make sure to maximize the pain of their arch rival!
As adults, we are usually not privy to the antics carried on by the WINNER of a SIBLING RIVALRY, since they are often subtle. They may take the form of ridicule, mocking facial expressions, telling tales or encouraging the parents to repeat punishments as in “See what she did? Tell her to go to her room!”. The Favored child may say “He never does what you say, does he Mommy?” Or they may chime in with the parents to emphasize that the punishment they assign is well deserved, such as “Ya, Cain! See what you did? You deserved it!” Or, there may be random slips or expressions of joy and pleasure in one’s own contented Emotional state and the Emotional failure of the other that silently indicate: “See how happy I am, and how miserable YOU are?!!”, and so on. Even if there is NO teasing or gloating on the part of the Favored child, the mere recognition of their comparative status is sufficient to be a constant reminder and irritant to the unfortunate Disfavored sibling. In the case of Cain and Abel we do not have sufficient information about their intimate intra-familial interactions to know exactly the nature or manner of such gloating, or whether in fact it took place in any form.
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So a warning here to parents, who often make the horrific mistake of siding with their Favored child. Especially in cases of serious aberration, we often find that a Favored child seems very righteous and seriously willing to “help” or advise their beleaguered parents on how to manage the behavior of, their “damaged” Disfavored sibling! Parents please take note that it is a cardinal NO-NO to engage the Favored child’s help by allowing this child to admonish, discipline or give advice to parents about how they or others should treat or deal with their Disfavored sibling. DOLIF warns us that parents should recognize that the offer of help by a well-behaved Favored sibling is just another part of the ploy by this Favored child to WIN more favor, social acclaim, approval and power in their sibling struggle for supremacy, while putting down the behavior of their rival!
From the point of view of the Disfavored child, parents siding with their arch rival Favored sibling is the worst, most dreaded nightmare. By purporting to be of “help” to their parents, the Favored one dupes us into believing they are sincere, and cause desperate parents to feed into their children’s Anger-driven, on-going rivalry. It not only further aligns the “good” Favored child with the parents while distancing the “bad” Disfavored child even more, it implies total social disgrace by enhancing the comparison between the children and shining a spotlight on the behavior of the “good” child, while worsening the appearance of the “bad” child.
In such situations, DOLIF advice is simple. It is that the Favored sibling should stay as far away as possible, and have the least possible contact with the Disfavored one. They should especially be kept away, and/or be asked to voluntarily stay away, from the ongoing dynamics or negotiations between the Disfavored child and the parents. The reason behind this strategy is that DOLIF recognizes that the Favored child is, of course, the arch enemy of the Disfavored one, and that in fact nothing could be more irritating to the Disfavored one than to have their goody-goody Favored sibling giving advice to the parents about their wellbeing. It amounts to the ultimate insult – even an abuse of huge proportion! From a DOLIF perspective, how good can the Favored sibling’s advice be anyways, when as we learned, this child too only has their own personal interests at heart, and NOT the interests of their rival Disfavored sibling? At the least, in adult or legal terminology we might call the situation a glaring CONFLICT OF INTEREST or situation where one is giving advice about a problem in which they themselves are integrally invested and involved! (A good example of this is a case study blog titled: A Successful Woman and Her Brother)
*****************Part 5: The Ultimate Act Of Jealousy****************
The horrifying outcome of the biblical story about the two brothers is that Cain’s Anger spins out of control. It breaks through to take mastery of his mind, soul and behavior, ultimately giving rise to a criminal act. He becomes so overwhelmed by Anger and jealousy that he KILLS his younger brother. Cain carries out this evil deed because he feels humiliated, LESS LOVED and DISFAVORED by his beloved Lord. Even as the older sibling, his motivation for the awful deed is that he was mortified by his own inability to capture his Lord’s LOVE, and burned up with jealousy over the apparent greater LOVE that his brother had managed to attract.
At the conclusion, like a common criminal, Cain runs away to hide himself. His behavior betrays his shame and guilt for his wretched crime. He runs away as well for fear, because he realizes he will face the Anger or wrath of his superior, and have to face the consequences. However, our story clearly demonstrates that he did not think about the consequences beforehand, and that even if he did, the consequences would not have been a sufficient deterrent, compared with the overwhelming power of his Emotions that told him he could NOT accept inferior status. Now he was dealing with his burgeoning (a) Anger and rage, (b) Depression about his personal humiliation, and this was combined with his inevitable (c) Anxiety or Emotional agony and fear. Cain’s punishment was to be forever banished from his life of comfort and luxury with his family and condemned to a life of fear and anonymity. He was no longer considered good enough to be the bearer of future generations of humanity in the service of his Lord. So with Abel dead and Cain exiled, the situation in the Garden of Eden remained static until the birth of a third son to Adam and Eve, Seth. As it is written, Seth was now raised as a single child by his parents, and became the one from whom the majority of people today are descended.
So we see that in so many ways this ancient story, hidden between volumes of scriptures and interpretations, remains unrecognized for its admonishing about human life and its potential contribution to our understanding of our nature. Strangely, it seems to mimic exactly the realities we face in our day-to-day family relationships. It perfectly coincides with and supports DOLIF theory, and is an excellent example of the supremacy of LOVE, human instinct and Emotion over thought, logic and reason in the analysis of human behavior.
