The story of Creation in the Judeo-Christian bible is reviewed here not because of its religious significance, but merely because it is a familiar example of a 4-person family in which serious Emotional problems developed. According to the first book of the bible, Genesis, the Lord created the first man, Adam and his wife, Eve. The couple bore two boys, Cain and Abel, and although we are told little more about the parents, the main story revolves around the interactions of these two boys. Interestingly and intriguingly, they behaved in a way that makes them a perfect example of the way that DOLIF Theory would have predicted for any two-child family.
DOLIF, the Distribution Of LOVE In Families, focuses on an invisible LOVE force that all parents hand down to their children. Imagine this LOVE force the way Michelangelo depicted it in his famous painting of Creation, where the Lord transfers His LOVE to Adam to nurture and sustain him for the rest of his life.
Like the LOVE that the Lord gave Adam, parents hand down precious LOVE to every child. In DOLIF, this parental LOVE, or lack of it, becomes the most powerful Emotional force in every person’s lifetime.
According to DOLIF, the quantity and quality of LOVE that a child reaps from their parents, in comparison with their next born sibling, sets up their entire Emotional structure. In DOLIF psychology the way you were treated in the context of your first family, that is, whether you MORE LOVED or LESS LOVED than your next born sibling, shapes ALL your feelings, actions, opinions, attitudes, ideas, ability to LOVE or not to LOVE – in short, ALL your personality, behavior and mental wellbeing for a lifetime!
Ironically, the bible story serves us with a poignant illustration of DOLIF theory. Yet even though many people believe wholeheartedly in the bible, most find its application to our real life, such as DOLIF suggests here, hard to comprehend.
As the story goes, Adam and Eve raised their family of two sons, Cain and Abel in the Garden of Eden, and when the boys reached their teenage years, Cain became a vegetable farmer, while Abel tended sheep in the pastures. Everything went well until one day the Lord asked each of the boys to make a sacrifice and dedicate it to Him. Younger brother Abel, the sheep herder, sacrificed the best of his animals and found Favor in the eyes of his Lord. But older brother Cain, the vegetable farmer, only offered the second best of his crop, selfishly keeping the finest produce for himself. As a result, the Lord honored Abel by accepting his sacrifice, but rejected Cain’s. Yet, as the story tells us, even though Cain did NOT offer the best of his crop, he felt he was treated unfairly and became filled with raw, uncontrolled Anger. His grief and jealousy of his brother overwhelmed him.
We all work to WIN our parents’ LOVE, but in DOLIF Theory, we do this with the ultimate goal of outdoing our next born sibling. Naturally if there is no sibling, there will be no rivalry. But if there is a sibling born before or after ourselves, they instantly become our number one rival and competitor. Whenever we feel that our neighboring sibling is reaping more advantage than ourselves, and especially more LOVE, we instantly react with jealousy. Driven by our compelling human instincts, we are spontaneously plunged into a rivalrous frenzy. It is the start of a SIBLING RIVALRY that lasts throughout our lifetime.
Parents however do not recognize that this is an inescapable paradigm. Simply put, neighbouring siblings always compete with each other. Moreover, SOME CHILDREN ARE MORE SKILLED AT ATTRACTING LOVE while others are LESS SKILLED. Parents therefore find children who attract their LOVE more appealing, and invest more positive Emotional energy in them. By contrast, they find children who don’t attract their LOVE less appealing and invest less positive Emotional energy in them.
According to the DOLIF formula for family interaction, the mere fact that Cain and Abel were born next to each other meant that they were bound to be natural rivals and in this case they competed for their Lord’s LOVE. But when the sacrifice of one was accepted and the other was rejected, the boys’ natural RIVALRY reached a peak. It intensified to the point where they became plunged into a bitter, competitive fever that soon escalated into a WAR. Although we have no exact information about their exchanges, we can surmise that from their immature perspectives, that is, from their Mind of a Child frame of reference, that they were convinced by their Lord’s actions that the Almighty LOVED Abel MORE. As far as they were concerned, he appeared to be showing Abel MORE FAVOR. So to them, it also meant that He LOVED Cain LESS, and was showing him relatively LESS FAVOR.
Did the Almighty actually LOVE Abel more and Cain less in adult terms? DOLIF explains that in any 2-child family, the personality of the sibling who is FAVORED is typically docile, easy-going and socially compliant, and that ultimately, their behavior seems more mature, sensitive, adaptive, generous and likable to adults. In general, they strike us more socially adaptive, and yes, we adults/parents tend to like them better. If Abel was the more Favored of the boys, we can assume that he possessed those Favored characteristics. These traits were opposite to his brother’s characteristics that were not as socially desirable or likeable, and did not include the attributes that were shown in Abel’s actions, such as generosity of spirit, social empathy and selflessness. We could call Abel a “good kid” who offered his very best to his superior, in a sincere and genuine way and without provocation. And we should admit that if we had a son like that, we would like and LOVE him dearly. On the other hand, we note that brother Cain behaved in a more devious way by trying to hide his selfishness to keep the best for himself, tainting him with the less desirable or likable personality trait of selfishness and perhaps even greed. Therefore, on the basis of the behavior of these boys in terms of their sacrifices of one’s best versus one’s second best, which appear to be based on their spontaneous reactions and natural, “inborn” character traits, we can say that the Lord did in fact react by feeling more LOVE for Abel than for his brother because of the kindness and generosity of heart that Abel expressed through his actions. So the Lord chose, as we too might do, to reward him for it. We can even suppose that Abel’s parents, Adam and Eve, LOVED him more too because of his more socially appealing, loving and lovable personality.
Now, once we have established that Abel occupied the Favored position in the duo, DOLIF tells us we can presume that his next born brother, was Disfavored. And of course, on sensing this state of LESSER LOVE or DISFAVOR in the family, Cain would have been very upset about it. His personality would already have been formed in his Family of Origin as the Disfavored one who is burdened by Anxiety, Depression and Anger. This we know was true of Cain, whom rage and Anger quickly overtook. He showed his uncontrolled bitterness by flying into a jealous rage, and taking his wrath out against his younger brother, killing him. Yet Abel himself had done nothing to irk his brother. Nevertheless, Cain reacted with such extreme rage that he resorted to murder in response to what he perceived as his superior’s preferential treatment of his younger brother.
(Continued in Creation Part 2)
