Parental Jealousy – Father and Son
Here are two examples of fathers who had problems with their sons. Due to jealousy from their fathers, both boys felt forced to leave their family home before they were ready to do so.
The first case involves a woman who came into my office on her own. She had her car keys in her hand and could hardly sit down. She said she was a very busy lady who was operating a thriving business but had an urgent problem to resolve at home.
The woman related she had a single child, a 19-year-old son, who is a very good boy and attending college. During the previous summer her son had moved into the basement of their home to have more privacy, and things had gone quite well since then. However, this was a time when marijuana was prohibited in Canada, and she was aware that her son would occasionally get together with a few friends to smoke some “joints” of marijuana in the basement on a weekend. She felt she could trust her son and believed this was not a serious matter since he was very attentive to his studies and she had a warm and very open relationship with him. She also felt his friends were responsible young men and that she was prepared to overlook this small misdemeanor.
But while she felt his behavior was safe and believed her son was mature and responsible enough not to develop a habitual problem or get in trouble, her husband was not as confident about their son’s trustworthiness. She confided that, especially in the last few years since her son had entered his late teens, her husband had suddenly begun to be very hard on the boy, demanding that he perform better in his schoolwork, do more chores around the home and generally show himself to be a more mature adult. She felt that the reason why her son had requested to move to the basement was because he was being made to feel uncomfortable and unwelcome by her husband’s constant badgering. She mentioned her husband would often belittle her son and tease him for no reason, such as pointing out that he himself was slightly taller, or comparing his own achievements when he was his son’s age by saying things such as “When I was 14 I was already taking over my father’s business – and you’re still deciding what to do with your life!” She said she felt her husband was harassing her son and in fact, that the problem had reached the point where the father would go down to the basement while the son was in school and search for marijuana. He would then threaten to call the police and report him, which would almost certainly land her son in jail. She added she feared not only that her son would soon have to face charges in court, but that he would become discouraged, depressed and be unable to carry on his education or personal life.
Still shaking her car keys, the woman informed me she felt she should move her son out of the home. She said she could well afford to put him into a rental home she owned, but wondered if this was too drastic a measure to take right now and whether I felt it was advisable.
I said I would certainly be able to help her, but first asked this harried woman to calm down and sit for a moment. I felt there was no need to share my beliefs about PLG and ALG parental positions in every family, or my thought that her only son was Favored and probably very close and dear to her, or that I knew he was of a gentle, lovable temperament. Cautiously though, I explored the father-son relationship and gently approached the subject of whether she thought her husband might be envious of his son. I explained that it does indeed sometimes happen that a parent may become jealous of a same-sex child, and that it seemed to me that the two males in the family might possibly be engaged in a competition for her love as the only female. She instantly agreed with me and replied that she had long suspected that her husband was jealous of her son. However, she expressed that she could not understand why he would be, since he too was a very successful and accomplished man. When we discussed her feelings of love a little further, she pondered more deeply the matter of how much she loved her son as compared with her husband, and upon the mention of this comparison, she slowly began to come to terms with her innermost feelings. She came to realize that her son was actually very, very close to her heart, and eventually reached the conclusion that he was very likely closer to her than her husband. Of course, she clarified that her love for her son was a very different kind of love than the love she felt for her husband, but admitted that she loved her son a great deal because he was warm and comforting to her and she could share so much of her true feelings with him. On the other hand she admitted she could not share as much with her husband because he was very stern, serious and business-minded, though she was pleased to acknowledge too that he was a very good provider for the family and that she was proud of his accomplishments.
In ending the session, we agreed that it would be best for her son’s emotional and mental health to extract him from the home, although we noted it should be done on the boy’s own timing and under his own terms so it would not shock anyone, and he would not feel as if she was in any way rejecting him but only doing her best to serve his interests. She noted she would also make it clear that she loved him and that the door was always open for him to return to living at home anytime. At the end of the session she clearly shared her own dilemma, shedding a few tears and sadly remarking: “I love my son very much and I don’t really want to do it, but I guess I have to.”
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In a second case an older couple approached me at a book signing in a mall. The woman picked up a copy of my book and then looked at me. She said she had an older son aged 21 years, and a younger 14-year-old daughter, but was feeling very sad because her son had recently enlisted in the army and would be leaving home soon.
While her husband walked away momentarily to browse some other books, she confided to me that she felt her son had decided to enlist in the armed forces because he was uncomfortable living at home. She said she believed this was due to her husband’s continual harassment and nagging of their son. She told me the father was constantly criticizing the boy by telling him he has no ambition, that he will never amount to anything and will never be a real man. She said he would impose harsh punishments on the boy and ground him for days for small matters, such as not coming home in time to eat dinner with the family, or not looking his best for church. A tear came to her eye as she said she was going to miss him a great deal and feel very lonely in his absence. She mentioned that her relationship with her daughter was not the same because the girl was more aloof, while her son had a pleasant, gentle and patient nature, and was always there to help her in any way he could.
Technically I knew that, in this case the family pattern in DOLIF analysis is that the mother is the PLG and father is the ALG. The son, because of his closeness to his mother and warm character, is the Favored child while the daughter, because of her lesser emotional connection with the PLG mother, is in the Disfavored sibling position.
So in our brief conversation outside the bookstore I gently informed this woman that it is not unusual for a parent to be envious of the relationship between their spouse and a child of the same sex as themselves. In other words, we find many instances where fathers are envious of their sons, or mothers who are envious of their daughters. I acknowledged that even though these feelings are very real, acute and disturbing, unfortunately people seldom, if ever, confess to them because they are, of course, taboo and expose the vulnerability of the jealous parent. I mentioned that in these situations the child’s self-image is especially at risk, not only because of their lesser maturity, but because s/he senses the unwarranted negativity coming from the same-sex parent and feels betrayed by it, but is unable to understand the parent’s motives or deal with it. I told her that unfortunately, there is little one can do to appease a jealous parent or quell their anxieties and competitive feelings toward their child, but that separation of the two is one of the only recourses we usually have. To comfort her, I reassured her that the relationship between herself and her son is permanent and will always remain warm and nourishing for both of them. I advised her not to undermine her own role in her son’s life and her importance to him, and that she should stay in as close communication with him as possible throughout his future experiences in the military. Finally to provide some solace, I reminded her that her son will also miss her as much as she misses him.
