DOLF THEORY

In every family, as soon as a first child is born, a critical but unspoken Emotional decision slowly evolves. This decision is real and vital to the psychological survival of any child, but is challenging for adults to understand or even believe. Emotionally speaking it is that: 

               Every set of parents divides into one who is MORE LOVING and one who is LESS LOVING.

Although never verbalized and often vigorously opposed, on an Emotional level, parental inequality is a fact of life. DOLIF theory recognizes that in the primitive domain called the Mind of a Child, two parents never carry the same Emotional weight, influence or attraction for their children, and can never substitute for one another in the eyes and minds of their children.

So, within the first 3 to 6 months of their first newborn’s life, one parent emerges as more Emotionally receptive toward their eldest baby. This happens because every infant instinctively responds to the quality and quantity of LOVE that comes from one parent – as compared with the other. This difference in parental warmth is NOT merely a figment in the Mind of the Child, but rooted in the actual attitudes, actions and behaviors of the new parents. In other words two parents do actually exude MORE and LESS of the precious commodity of LOVE that every child instinctively searches for from the moment of birth. And according to DOLIF, these hidden Emotional dynamics are at the core of personality and behavioral development in all humans.

In DOLIF psychology, which represents the Instinctual and Emotional domain or the Mind of a Child, we call the parent who is more Emotionally accessible, attachable and responsive the Prime Love Giver, or PLG. 

We call the other parent, whom children find LESS Emotionally accessible, attachable or responsive the Additional Love Giver, or ALG. 

N.B. DOLIF emphasizes that both parents play an equal and vital role in the psychological development of every child. Note too that in this underworld of instincts and Emotions, the gender or sexual identity of each of two parents is NOT important. As well, long term observation of families dictates that either a mother or a father can be the PLG or ALG for the children.

Acting purely on Emotion and Instinct, within the first few months after a child is born into the family, this first child and the more Emotionally attachable parent, or PLG, are drawn together like magnets and become permanently connected. So we can now begin to outline a standard social/Emotional formula that follows the Distribution Of Love In (any) Family. We represent these Emotional dynamics as an Inner Circle of Love that consists of the PLG plus the first child. Surrounding this is an Outer Circle of Love that  envelops the entire family and includes the Additional Love Giving parent:  

Emotionally speaking, the ALG or Additional Love Giving parent has a very different style of parenting. This parent differs significantly from the PLG in both their character, temperament and attitudes toward child-rearing. This Additional parent can be described as EITHER: (a) a person who is more organized, disciplinarian, socially conscientious and driven by reality, OR (b) a person who is less approachable, more detached, inaccessible and Emotionally distant. 

The ALG or Additional parent supplies at least four vital feelings to the family atmosphere: Support, Stability, Security and Belonging. Like the invisible aura of LOVE that emanates from the PLG, these 3 vital feelings silently flow out from the ALG and infiltrate the family unit. The ALG creates the important Outer Circle of Love that has the critical function of binding all the family members together socially. For the children and in the Mind of a Child, this Outer Circle of Love provides a group feeling. Their attachment to the ALG gives them a sense of cohesion and personal pride in their family group that draws them into the family fold on a social level. Just as elusive as their attachment to the PLG, it is an Emotional feeling of social acceptance and communal comfort that, while unspoken and difficult to define exactly, is very real and vital to the Mind of a Child. As adults using our Adult Mind, we commonly refer to this intangible, socially-based feeling that emanates from the ALG as a sense of ‘belonging’. This sense of belonging is actually the secret ingredient that prevents children from becoming defiant or showing ANGER-based reactions such as rebellion or defiance toward their family, peers, teachers and the broader society around them. 

 (Continued in Phase 2 below)

After a year or two, family relationships become settled. The PLG and Child 1 engage in a LOVING relationship inside their Inner Circle of Love, while the Outer Circle of Love includes the ALG who provides feelings of Support, Stability, Security and a sense of Belonging to the family. Over time, this style of interaction becomes entrenched in the hearts, minds and daily routines of the three new family members, Mother, Father and Child 1. But sooner or later a second child is born! (If no new child is added, the family’s dynamics remain constant.)

From the moment that Child 2 arrives on the scene, the two siblings’ instincts kick into full gear. Each child immediately perceives the other as a rival for the same precious POT of LOVE supplied by the already established PLG. This is the competitive behavior we call SIBLING RIVALRY and it has the following characteristics:

• SIBLING RIVALRY is a desperate instinct-driven fight for self-preservation
• SIBLING RIVALRY is the effort to HOG and WIN ALL the LOVE of the PLG
• SIBLING RIVALRY is All-or-Nothing, so that sharing the LOVE is impossible
• SIBLINGS engaged in RIVALRY see each other as equals and are blind to differences between them such as age, sex or disability
• SIBLING RIVALRY cannot be avoided regardless of our efforts to prepare a child for the birth of another, warn one child NOT to hurt the sibling, or punish one of the children 
• SIBLING RIVALRY is a territorial instinct that can cause rivals to fight to the death

Emotionally speaking, the family setting with the first two siblings is a wildly impassioned situation. Three negative feelings – ANGER, DEPRESSION and ANXIETY are aroused and maximized in BOTH children from the first sight of each other. In their Mind of a Child, for the siblings, it is mortal war. It is the beginning of the SIBLING RIVALRY that is every child’s instinct-driven struggle to HOG and WIN ALL the available POT of LOVE from their PLG. The goal of SIBLING RIVALRY is to gain every bit of ATTENTION and EMOTIONAL COMMITTMENT from their PRIME LOVE GIVING parent to the utter exclusion and complete destruction of their next born sibling. And these same feelings will endure over their lifetimes.

These intense, long-lasting reactions of children engaged in a SIBLING RIVALRY war may seem wildly excessive – even ludicrous to us. We, as parents and adults who are governed by our Intellectual rather than Emotional faculties, are usually treating the siblings fairly by our own logical, adult standards. But just as salmon instinctively swim upstream under threat of death, or bees may die to protect their queen, in the minds of infants, toddlers, teenagers or immature adults, these rivalrous feelings with the opponent sibling, being instinctual and fixed into the psyche of every human being, are desperate, vital and all-consuming. As a result we should know that, even though it may be completely hidden from our view and even though we may be loathe to acknowledge it, the undercurrent of SIBLING RIVALRY in every new home with 2 children is at ALL times be frenzied, furious and frantic, and that there is almost never any variation in this pattern whether it be visible to us or not.

 (Continued in Phase 3 below)

Up to this point we established that the first two children are restricted to behaving according to the instincts, Emotion-driven thoughts and primitive reasoning in their Mind of a Child. Both children are consumed by their immature perceptions and desperate feeling of compulsion to HOG and WIN ALL the available parental LOVE in order to bump out their sibling. So engaged in their bitter SIBLING WAR, they are both constantly subject to the full forces of ANXIETY, DEPRESSION and ANGER. However, they are mostly beset by ANGER, which is the initial predominant emotional state of their overwhelming urge toward SIBLING RIVALRY.

Now these feelings will persist until A WINNER IS DECLARED.

How is a WINNER to be chosen? Well, caught in the midst of this Emotional turmoil and helpless to resist the pressures of their instincts, like opposing magnets, these first two siblings begin to find ways to distance and differentiate themselves from each other. Out of desperation to please those around them, mainly their PLG, and driven to carve out a new space for themselves that is separate and distinct from their sibling, they begin to oppose each other in every imaginable way – mentally, physically, intellectually, emotionally, behaviorally, socially, and more.

We can refer to this behavior as the INSTINCT TO BE OPPOSITE.

The prevailing mood is all-out WAR that involves far more than the mere behaviors of FIGHTING, REBELLION, WITHDRAWAL or the ANXIETY we might see from the outside. On the inside, DOLIF informs us that, besides the basic Emotional disturbance they feel from their sibling, each child actually deeply and vitally feels repulsed by this other person, and desperately seeks to be different from them in any possible way. 

SIBLING RIVALRY, like a disease of ANGER, SADNESS, ANXIETY, bitterness and opposition, infiltrates, and invades ALL the Emotional and Intellectual functions of both children. It is a compulsion that will end up pushing their entire personalities and behavior to opposite extremes. With time and age, SIBLING RIVALRY and its 3 associated negative feelings of Anxiety, Depression and Anger, will control and shape ALL areas of each child’s SELF, leaving NO aspect of functioning unaffected. The behavioral manifestations of these 3 feelings may or may not be visible to us as observers, in terms of actually seeing them argue or fight. But their underlying ANGER, HOSTILITY and desire to carve a special path for themselves alone will ultimately become entrenched, solidify, and supply the foundation for each one’s unique feelings, behavior, attitudes, thinking, personal identity and style of being. In short, the entire personality structure and behavioral expressions of BOTH siblings will be built around their determination and INSTINCT TO BE OPPOSITE to each other. 

Fueled by this ANGRY energy and a deeply entrenched instinctual drive toward SIBLING RIVALRY, the motivation to be separate and different from their sibling is secretly acted out in an endless variety of ways – some that may be obvious to us, but most of which are hidden. This ANGER can reveal itself in any or all of the following ways, and more: (a) open physical or verbal aggression, such as arguing, hitting or physical fighting, (b) underhanded attacks such as teasing, tormenting, accusing, lying, bossing or tattle-tailing, or (c) attention-seeking behaviors such as tantrums, crying, defiance, non-conformity or outright rebellion.

The ultimate result is that the first two siblings will feed their instincts by adopting opposing interests and personality traits that will likely fall along the introversion/extroversion spectrum. For example, there may be one who is quiet and subdued versus the other who is noisy and boisterous; one who is withdrawn and reclusive versus the other who is socially outgoing and gregarious; one who is a high achiever in academic, physical or monetary pursuits versus the other who shows little interest in achievement, social advancement or interest in monetary gain; one who is compliant and conformist versus the other who aggressively and vocally opposes social norms or laws – and much more.

These opposite personality and behavioral traits become increasingly ingrained as time and age accrue. They are actually territorial markers upon which the rival child is forbidden from encroaching. It is a secret pact that says: See? I’m like THIS! So YOU be like THAT! 

Over time, the siblings begin to diverge in every possible or conceivable way, and on a practical level we are at once astonished and puzzled by the contrast between them. How did this happen when we raised them both the same way, and especially if they are identical twins? We scratch our heads in wonderment at the differences as their personalities emerge with age. But yet it all seems to come about so very secretly, and entirely “naturally”. If one likes meat, strangely, the other becomes disgusted by meat and begins to prefer fruits and vegetables; if one is a loner and resists social involvement, the other socializes easily and has many friends; if one is active and curious, the other is quiet, subdued, compliant and passive; if one takes up music, surprisingly, the other finds another specialty such as sports or computers interesting and challenging; if one frowns, whines, is demanding and perpetually in a bad mood, the other smiles, is easy-going, presents little opposition to caregivers and has an agreeable disposition; if one is dependent and clings to home and family, the other becomes independent, adventurous and easily wanders away to explore (often observed in very small children); if one seeks out, cherishes, collects or hoards material possessions such as money, toys or clothing, we find the other is easily satisfied with whatever we offer; if one is a high achiever in school, the other has no interest in academics but prefers to work with their body and hands, and so on. Our only guarantee is that the first two children in any family, even fraternal or identical twins, will NEVER, EVER BE THE SAME! In fact it is entirely predictable that siblings will ALWAYS choose at least different, or even opposite paths to develop their personalities and behavioral styles. On rare occasions we find that siblings or twins take up the same pursuit. Examples of this include Dear Abby and Dear Ann who were identical twins and who pursued the same careers as advice columnists, but had ongoing lifelong disputes. In the case of Olympic skier Nancy Greene and her older sister, both girls won awards in skiing. However as Nancy Greene admitted in her biography, it was always done with the underlying intention of beating her sister!

In the end, the usual outcome is that one sibling chooses a particular course of behavior, personal style and interest, while the other makes sure to follow a separate track in life. The blog on WHAT people WANT, WHAT they LIKE, WHY they WANT what they WANT or “CHOOSE” to do what they WANT to do, explains more about the reasons behind their choices and preferences. As outsiders, we ask ourselves: WHY should the behavior patterns and interests of these neighboring siblings be so diametrically opposed to each other, when we are treating them both the same way? We may believe the cause is their DNA, genes or heredity, or that we are the only ones who suffer the dismal fate of having two children, perhaps even identical twins, who are so different and constantly at WAR with each other. A common excuse is “This one is like me, and the other one is like my spouse – a perfect split in our home!” Although it may appear that they “take after” someone in the family, it remains for such hereditary factors to be distinguished from the interactional ones described here.

So slowly but surely, through their Instinct to be Opposite and differentiation as they grow older, one sibling, whether the older or younger, assumes a kinder, more gentle temperament or “nature”, one that is easier for parents to raise and handle. It is a behavioral path that appeals to parents and society.

And because of our attitudes, and especially that of their PLG by treating this child more positively and favorably, their struggle ends with THE PARENTS INVESTING MORE POSITIVE ENERGY AND LOVE INTO THIS CHILD than the less socially attractive adjacent sibling!

The positive attention invested in this Favored child, as well as the LOVE that is attracted by the child her/himself, especially from the Prime Love Giver or PLG, gradually characterizes this child as sweet-tempered, well-behaved and unchallenging for those who care for them. This in turn works its magic to make the Favored child more docile and even more lovable to parents and others than their opposing less Favored or Disfavored sibling.

The self-fulfilling prophecy and self-perpetuating CYCLE OF LOVE goes like this: The more socially agreeable the child, the more likeable they are to us, the more LOVE they glean from their PLG, the more satisfied and secure they become, and the more compliant they turn out to be as children, adults and people of society. Positive and socially desirable character traits and behaviors become imprinted into the personality and behavior of the typical child who is FAVORED. And the final link in the chain is that this sibling grows up to be a socially likeable, law-abiding, admirable citizen of society.

The other sibling, in seeking to be different through their Instinct to be Opposite, often finds no choice but to be relegated to behaving in socially less desirable ways, and eventually assuming the DISFAVORED position. This is especially true in regard to their relationship with their Prime Love-Giving parent. Equally abiding by their undeclared Emotional basis of SIBLING RIVALRY, this child may develop mentally, socially and emotionally in either of two directions in the Anger-Depression continuum, with Anxiety naturally associated with both of these two painful Emotions. On the Anger side, they may become tough, aggressive, cold, self-interested and lacking in consideration of others, with Anxiety as an ever present accompaniment. Leaning toward the other side of the scale, they may become more Depressive and withdrawn with low mood and self-deprecation, or become more Anxiety-ridden and difficult to calm. Both as a child and as an adult, individuals with these types of undesirable behavior patterns have LESS appeal to parents and conventional society. For society these are the negative character traits and behaviors that become imprinted into the lifestyle of the typical DISFAVORED person.

The reason we wonder how they became this way is that unfortunately, we are tragically unaware of the SIBLING RIVALRY forces that are at work in determining our children’s personalities and behavior patterns. We are equally oblivious to the fact that this is exactly how EVERY NORMAL FAMILY and EVERY NORMAL SIBLING MUST FUNCTION. The pattern is universal. As a society and through our current psychological teachings, we do not realize that children live within the confines of their Mind of a Child where they are continually blinded by their instinctive search for LOVE. Most critically too, we are oblivious to our own Favoritism dynamic that contributes vitally to the entire process of forming their personalities and behavioral patterns. One tragic long-term consequence of this perpetual cycle of opposition between our children, this apparent child-vs.-child conflict we dismiss as simple SIBLING RIVALRY, besides extending into their own adulthood, broadens to create parent-vs-child conflict in the first family. Bewildered as they are by their children’s behavior, parents too often become divided in their own allegiances. It may result in ‘losing’ a child to family strife, tolerating the conflict of their adult children, or their own parent-vs.-parent conflict that may ultimately spur a separation or divorce. The discomfort has no end since the siblings’ opposition inevitably bleeds into the family atmosphere, disrupts it and leaves behind differences that will probably never be resolved.

With the help of DOLIF theory we are now informed that this differentiation of personalities among adjacent siblings is a universal phenomenon, and ALL “normal” families are subject to this destructive force among their children. We are also pleased to discover that it is, in fact, reversible if parents, especially the PLG, follow DOLIF and, as soon as humanly possible change their attitudes, directing more LOVE toward their less well-behaved and perhaps less likable, Disfavored child.

Another source of comfort is that the Anger-inspired traits of Disfavor such as their inherent competitive spirit, interest in accumulating money, shrewder business sense and social-manipulative skills, can be put to good use. However, Disfavored people may also gravitate toward other problematic behaviors that are expressive of Anger, but are directed more openly at others, such as rebellion, argumentativeness, oppositionalism or criminal behavior. If the Disfavored individual leans toward the Depression side of the Anger-Depression continuum, which is in essence Anger turned inward against the SELF, they may display self-destructive behavior such as mental illness, substance abuse or suicide. Finally, if Anxiety is the modality of outlet, behavior might also be directed inward against the SELF to give rise to mental problems such as ADHD or OCD.

Always note that regardless of birth order, either of the first two children can grow up to be the Favored one with socially positive personality traits and behavior, or the Disfavored one with the negative disposition who will harbor far more Anxiety, Depression and Anger. (For explanations of the personalities of later children see the blog titled: The Rest of the Sibline)

………….Continued in Phase 4)

In DOLIF psychology instinctual SIBLING RIVALRY and parental Favoritism give rise to divergence in personality and behavior among adjacent siblings. But exactly HOW does this come about? 

It is well understood that parents have the best intentions to raise their children responsibly, so they can be proud of them and their family. But DOLIF adds new caveats to the difficult job of parenting. In general we find that with new parents if their first child is well behaved and has a pleasant temperament  they naturally believe their second child will behave more or less the same way as their first, or even better. On the other hand, if the first child was rambunctious, whiny or otherwise difficult, we find that they of course hope that their second will be calmer and easier to handle. DOLIF psychology forewarns us that parents should not count on their children being similar, but for the sake of their own comfort and peace of mind, they should anticipate that their children’s personalities and behavior patterns will more than likely be opposite! That is, if their experience with the first child was positive, it is best for them to expect that their experience with their second child will be negative. And conversely, if the experience with their first child was negative, they can take comfort in the fact that their second child will most likely grant them a positive experience. 

The values that appeal to parents, and that they strive to instill in their children, are those that suit adults, and make them comfortable and proud. Yet their “bad” child routinely disrupts the family and behaves in ways that render their parents socially abashed and personally upset with the family life they are trying so hard to build. They feel at once shocked and alienated by the unsavory behavior of their Disfavored child. From their own vantage point they see they are doing nothing wrong, and that the personality traits of each sibling seem to be taking shape naturally, spontaneously, and without their provocation. They find they have done nothing different to each, such as coddle one or antagonize the other, and feel justified that they are disciplining each one appropriately and fairly when necessary. And so far they are right. But then they draw on their need to make sense of the situation and their extensive knowledge of popular theories about genetics and heredity. They conclude that their well behaved child is somehow endowed with positive heredity, while their bad child is simply the stubborn and antagonistic product of bad genes. In other words, they resign themselves to the idea that they are cursed with a bad seed that cannot be fixed. At best, they convince themselves that they are the parents of two children who are “very, different”! 

However, it is the crux of DOLIF theory tha this is actually nature’s trick! 

Little do parents suspect that their children are programmed from birth to turn out opposite, and that we human adults are charged with coping with their differences! If at a later age, or even as an adult, their child still behaves badly such as by taking drugs or failing in school or work, they keep their misery a secret, keep their misfortune from outsiders and bear their grief in private. And because of the lack of knowledge in psychology/psychiatry today and the secrecy we maintain around such personal problems (a concoction since Freudian times), therapy or treatment offer no comfort. Little do parents know that this is a standard pattern, that it is determined by immutable child instincts, and that ALL families do – and must function in exactly this way! And this includes their next door neighbor, friends, relatives, professionals and all humanity since the beginning of time! Meaning not only that they can now find a solution, but that they also have the freedom to discuss what goes on in their family with everyone!

But currently, the sad saga continues! Slowly but surely the self-fulfilling prophecy evolves. Over time and interactions the parents, especially the PLG, fall further and further OUT OF LOVE with the long LOVE-deprived, negatively behaved child, and ever more IN LOVE with their well behaved one! All the while too, the children become more and more committed and entrenched into their own chosen styles of behavior and personality traits and become solidified in defending them, both to themselves and others. And in this way, family relationships, behaviors and interactional patterns soon become established. So too do people’s behaviors and personalities become ever more permanently etched and apparently irreversible!

If we peer through a psychological and developmental lens, the unfortunate result of this charade is that parents actually do end up INVESTING MORE POSITIVE EMOTIONAL ENERGY or LOVE into their “good’ child. That is, this more compliant child becomes increasingly rewarded for their good behavior, and begins to actually behave in ways that fit in better with society at large, including friends, relatives, teachers etc. These are in fact the social characteristics that define one who is MORE LOVED and FAVORED by her/his parents in comparison with their sibling. They define a person with greater warmth, compliance and overall social compatibility. So these Emotional bonds, especially between the PLG and the Favored child become ever tighter, and the associated character traits are ever more deeply ingrained with time and growth.

In the meantime, the adjacent Disfavored sibling, egged on by their own undying instinct to be opposite, retains their negative behavioral path, becomes ever more distanced from the LOVE connection with their PLG and ever more marginalized from family, friends, relatives and so on. They become increasingly disliked and maladjusted on a social level and embark on an unsavory trajectory toward garnering increasingly LESS TIME, ATTENTION and LOVE, less Emotional investment from the parents and gradual DISFAVOR compared with their well-behaved, cooperative Favored sibling next door.  And so the vicious cycle persists and perpetuates itself! The long range problem is that, just as the positive sibling becomes entrenched in their positive life trajectory, the negative sibling becomes stuck in their negative path too.  Determined to be opposite, the unfortunate Disfavored sibling has little “choice” of how to behave. 

The Disfavored child is now chronically subject to any and all the negative Emotions of Anxiety, Depression and Anger. Remember too that BOTH the Favored and Disfavored siblings, while always repulsed by each other, are also each deeply committed to their own ways and belief systems they built over time. It means that once the roles are decided and established between them,  and with the world around them, there is little room for movement or “choice” by their mid-teenage years. 

How do we know this and how can we be so sure of the advice of DOLIF? Because long term study and observation dictates that the pattern of divergent personalities in the first two siblings is entirely predictable and universal, and the pattern of one Favored and one Disfavored child is reliably repeated in every 4-person family! 

                                                              ******************************************* 

Negative Emotions are usually expressed through negative behaviors. So here we refer to the see-saw effect of Anger and Depression, where if Anger goes up Depression goes down, and vice versa. On the Angry side of the spectrum we find that the Disfavored child has temper tantrums, acts up and rebels or fights with parents, siblings and others. On the Depressive side they may hurt themselves, withdraw, whine, cry or self-isolate. If pure Anxiety becomes entrenched as a character trait, we may observe that they are nervous, agitated, worry, bother others, bite their nails or develop obsessive or phobic behaviors. All these activities create tension in the home and are precisely the ones that clash most with adult personal and social preferences. The Disfavored child “pushes our buttons” and causes parents and others to seethe with their own Anger and frustration in response! We grit our teeth and fume, and before long our Disfavored child becomes the object of discomfort, blame, tension and even avoidance, both inside the family and in outside social settings. Ultimately, they are the recipient of LESS LOVE and increased DISFAVOR, especially when compared with their well-behaved sibling next door. 

From the parents’ side, we are unfortunately guilty of falling prey to our children’s trap of soliciting Favoritism. Parents naturally feel they should be aligned with the Favored child who is pursuing the positive behavioral road since, as adults, they prefer socially compliant behavior. This makes our Favored child happy and contented with whatever we offer. They seem smart, listen to instructions, smile, are in a good mood and never question our authority. But at the same time it puts our Disfavored child in the awkward position of having to be unpleasant in order to oppose their sibling and grasp our attention – behavior that makes us respond with Anger. To us they seem unreasonable, stubborn and impenetrable!

In one sense, DOLIF places much of the blame for behavioral outcomes in children on their parents because of parents’ naivete and their supposed well-placed preferences in LOVING the child who complies with their wishes and social desires, and discriminating the other through unwitting comparison. But consider too that DOLIF empowers parents. It advises them about how to change their Disfavored child’s behavior by adjusting or curbing their own powerful inner current of LOVE or Favoritism. DOLIF provides the consolation that the behavior of a problem child can be quickly and sharply improved by re-directing some of the PLG’s LOVE and empathy toward the Disfavored sibling, and convincing themselves to LOVE this child with the same fervor as their Favored one. 

The entire process is highly subtle, unspoken and above all, taboo. DOLIF tells us that children continually try to court and charm their PLG into LOVING them more than their rival sibling by tricking them into preferring their style of behavior, either positive or negative. Parents though, lacking knowledge about this underground SIBLING WAR and frivolously labelling the behavior “normal SIBLING RIVALRY”, never fail to oblige by falling head over heels into the trap set by the children of Favoring and praising one child, and punishing the other ultimately liking them less, all the while fully believing they are doing “the right thing“! Unfortunately, this attitude has been promoted and exacerbated by Behavioral psychology, which only follows our natural tendencies and religiously inspired urges to reward good behavior and punish bad. These attitudes are further encouraged by conferring professional sounding titles to these disciplinary measures such as “Time Out”, “Tough Love”, “Interventions” or “Boot Camp”.

As they grow older, the child who happens to embark on the “right” or positive path becomes increasingly invested in developing a personality and style of life that is gentle, even-tempered and warm-hearted, with behavior and interactions that are socially compliant and pleasing. This now Favored child, whose motivation for their personality and behavioral style looks like it was genetically imprinted, really developed their behavioral path both randomly and deliberately with exactly the same primary purpose as their negatively-behaved sibling. The purpose of both the positive and the negative styles of behavior was merely to try to ATTRACT, HOG and WIN ALL the available LOVE and ATTENTION from their Prime Love Giving parent, and at the same time be opposite to their sibling! Now, because their Favored style of behavior happens to appeal to their PLG, as it does to all adults, and by virtue of the close relationship they enjoy with their PLG, coddled and secure as they are in their Inner Circle of Love, the compliant child not only ends up Favored, but ultimately WINS THE ENTIRE SIBLING WAR by becoming a more gentle, socially desirable citizen! 

The adjacent sibling, whether older or younger, whose personality and behavioral characteristics, for whatever reasons, took the negative path, on sensing their LOSS of the portion of LOVE offered by their PLG, now becomes riddled with the 3 negative Emotions of Anxiety, Depression and Anger. However again, shocking as it may seem to us, observation and long-term study confirms that this Disfavored child is, like their gentle neighboring sibling, subject to the same instinct to oppose their sibling. Like their sibling, they are immersed in the same desperate struggle to ATTRACT, HOG and WIN the same POT of LOVE and ATTENTION from their PLG. This child behaves negatively with exactly the same goal as their Favored sibling.  And although we might consider the behavior of the Disfavored child misguided or even stupid, we should learn that within the context of their Mind of a Child that is lacking in logic, they have NO capacity to scrutinize the social situation around them or know what is expected of them.  We must not forget that all this occurs between two children with burning Sibling Rivalry instincts who are immersed in their Mind of a Child and poised to WIN LOVE by all means possible in their competition to please the same PLG. It is a daunting task and at the same time a failure of logic or social reasoning power that can guide their behavior. Ironically then, behavior which for us as adults would seem normal, is understood in a totally different context by the children. Whatever specific type of undesirable behavior is chosen, whether rebellion, depression, high anxiety, mental illness, substance abuse or other, the goal of the Disfavored child remains the same as that of the Favored one: (A) to please and WIN over their PLG, and at the same time (B) design their personality to be diametrically opposed to their Favored sibling. Naturally, unfortunately for the Disfavored child, this type of behavior is usually exactly what parents and society most disapprove of and dread. In the end the behavior pattern they establish by adulthood can be highly damaging to both to themselves and others.

So it is that authority figures must believe that the negative style of behavior displayed by a Disfavored child comes from exactly the same source of primitive drives and desires as the Favored child, and has exactly the same GOOD intentions or motives behind it. That is, in the course of real, everyday life, this negative, Disfavored child, by using distasteful behavior is, in exactly the same way as their Favored sibling, actually trying their best to ATTRACT and somehow WIN the LOVE and ATTENTION of their PLG in order to bump out their rival sibling! However, in order to obey their commanding Instinct to be Opposite, they must search for ways to accomplish their goal somehow without copying their sibling’s style of behaving that consists of being nice, compliant and conformist. (Read more in the blog titled: How Siblings Really Feel Toward Each Other.) Warped as it may sound, the entire performance of both children is part of their endless SIBLING WAR and has very little, if anything, to do with our logical reality and daily life goals. However, the tragedy of course for the Disfavored child is that not only are they are NOT succeeding at WINNING the battle with their negative tactics, but they are also forced to suffer the consequences we impose on them.

DOLIF Theory is the product of long term observational study and its findings are currently unknown in psychology. This is likely because the ideas are unfamiliar to adults. They represent a significant departure from the common belief in Behavioral ‘strategies’ and “spare the rod and spoil the child” religious attitudes. Methods that advocate reward-and-punishment methods work well for animals, but are inappropriate for humans. The lack of earlier discovery of this new branch of psychology can also be attributed to its elusive, intangible Emotional theme that follows the Mind of a Child, whereas we adults are accustomed to thinking in hardcore, rational, reality-based Intellectual terms. 

Some may say there is insufficient research to back the DOLIF method, but its presentation here can be compared to a criminal case that is brought to court when there is no body, no fingerprints and no DNA. Yet  because of its critical importance, the case must still come to court with the support of circumstantial evidence alone. DOLIF Theory is based on almost 50 years of professional knowledge and experience, independent empirical research, observation of families over four generations and personal anecdotal experience.

There is no doubt that the problems we face with our children today and the proliferation of mental illnesses are more pressing issues than the need to debate the supremacy of psychology theories. Moreover, since the changes that come about in children with the use of DOLIF are stark and immediate, they are too obvious to ignore. It is urgent then, for the sake of remedying mental problems and treatment at all ages, that we try our best to grasp these new concepts. Of course, there is nothing to prevent systematic research from being carried out from now on. However, a project such as that is far too great to be completed in one lifetime and by a single individual such as this author whose middle 50 years were invested in its invention and development.