Acting on instinct, Emotion-driven thought and primitive reasoning that confines them to their Mind of a Child, the first two children are both burdened by their immature perception of a limited amount of parental LOVE and consumed by their desperation to HOG and WIN ALL the available parental LOVE to bump out their sibling! They are engaged in a SIBLING WAR and both are constantly subject to the full forces of ANXIETY and DEPRESSION, but mostly ANGER!
Now these feelings persist until A WINNER IS DECLARED!
How is a WINNER to be chosen? Well, caught in the midst of this Emotional turmoil and helpless to resist the pressures of their instincts, these first two siblings begin to find ways to distance and differentiate themselves from each other. Out of desperation to find ways to please those around them, and driven to carve out a space for themselves as separate and distinct from their sibling, they begin to oppose each other in every imaginable way – mentally, physically, intellectually, emotionally, behaviorally, socially and so on.
In DOLIF we refer to this behavior as the INSTINCT TO BE OPPOSITE. It is an all-out WAR that involves far more than THE MERE FIGHTING OR REBELLION WE MIGHT SEE ON THE OUTSIDE! On the inside, each one is actually, really and vitally feeling repulsed by the presence of the other, and desperately seeks to be different!
SIBLING RIVALRY, like a disease of ANGER, ANXIETY, bitterness and opposition, infiltrates, and invades ALL their Emotional and Intellectual functions. It is a compulsion that will end up pushing their entire personalities and behavior to opposite extremes! With time and age, SIBLING RIVALRY and its 3 associated negative feelings of Anxiety, Depression and Anger, will control and shape ALL areas of each child’s SELF, leaving NO aspect of functioning unaffected. The behavioral manifestations of these 3 feelings may or may not be visible fighting, but the underlying ANGER AND HOSTILITY will ultimately become entrenched, solidify, and supply the foundation for each child’s unique style, feelings, behavior, attitudes and personal identity. In short, their entire personality structure and behavioral expressions will be built around their determination to be opposite to each other!
Fueled by the ANGRY energy of a deeply ingrained, instinct-driven SIBLING RIVALRY, the motivation to be separate and different from the sibling is secretly acted out in an endless variety of ways – some obvious, but mostly hidden. This ANGER can reveal itself in any or all of the following ways: (a) open physical or verbal conflict such as arguing, hitting or fighting, (b) underhanded attacks such as teasing, tormenting, accusing, lying, bossing or telling tales (c) attention-seeking behaviors such as tantrums, crying, defiance, non-conformity or outright rebellion. In the end, the first two siblings will feed their instincts by adopting opposing interests and personality traits that fall more or less along the introversion/extroversion spectrum, such as one who is quiet and subdued versus the other, who is noisy and boisterous; one who is withdrawn and reclusive versus the other who is socially outgoing and gregarious; one who is an aggressively high achiever in academic, physical or monetary pursuits versus one who shows little interest in achievement, social advancement or interest in monetary gain; one who is compliant and conformist versus the other who aggressively and vocally opposes social norms – and much more.
These opposite personality and behavioral traits become increasingly ingrained as time and age accrue. They are actually territorial markers upon which the rival child is forbidden from encroaching. It is a secret underground pact that says: See? I am like THIS, so YOU be like THAT!
Over time, the siblings begin to diverge in every conceivable way. On a practical level we are more than puzzled! We are floored by the contrast between them! How did this happen when we raised them both the same way? We scratch our heads in wonderment at their differences as their personalities emerge with age, but yet it all seems to come on very naturally. If one likes meat, strangely, the other becomes disgusted by meat and begins to prefer fruits and vegetables; if one is a loner and resists social involvement, the other socializes easily and has many friends; if one is active and curious, the other is quiet, subdued and passive; if one takes up music, surprisingly, the other finds another specialty such as sports or computers interesting and challenging; if one frowns, whines, is demanding and perpetually in a bad mood, the other smiles easily, is compliant, presents little opposition to caregivers and has an agreeable disposition; if one is dependent and clings to home and family, the other becomes independent, adventurous and easily wanders away to explore (often observed in very small children); if one cherishes, collects or hoards material possessions such as money, toys or clothing, we find the other is easily satisfied with whatever we offer; if one is a high achiever in school, the other has no interest in academics, and so on. Our only guarantee is that the first two children in any family, even if they are identical twins, will NEVER, EVER be the same! In fact it is entirely predictable that siblings will ALWAYS choose opposite paths. Sometimes we find that they take up the same pursuit, and examples of this include advice columnists Dear Abby and Dear Ann who were identical twins, or olympic skier Nancy Greene and her older sister. However, this too is always done with the sole fundamental intent of beating out their opponent sibling!
In the end, one child chooses a particular course of behavior, personal style and interests, while the other makes sure to follow a completely separate track in life. The blog on WHAT people WANT and LIKE, or WHY they WANT or “choose” to do WHAT they do, explains more about the reasons behind these preferences. As outsiders, we ask ourselves: WHY should the behavior patterns and interests of these neighboring siblings be so diametrically opposed to each other, when we are treating them all the same? We may believe the cause is their DNA, genes or heredity, or that we are the only ones who suffer the dismal fate of having two children, perhaps even identical twins, who are so different and constantly at WAR with each other.
Slowly but surely, through the Instinct to be Opposite and the process of Sibling Opposition and differentiation, one sibling, whether the older or younger, assumes a kinder, more gentle nature, one that is easier for parents to raise and handle. This behavioral path appeals to parents and society.
The result is that THE PARENTS INVEST MORE POSITIVE ENERGY AND LOVE INTO THIS CHILD than the sibling.
The positive attention invested in this child, as well as the LOVE that is attracted by the child her/himself, especially from the Prime Love Giver or PLG, gradually characterizes this child as sweet-tempered, well-behaved and unchallenging. This in turn makes this child more lovable to parents and others than their opposing sibling.
It is a self-fulfilling prophecy and a self-perpetuating cycle. These positive character traits and behaviors become imprinted into the personality and behavior of a typical child who is FAVORED. This sibling grows up to be a socially likeable, law-abiding and admirable citizen of society.
The other sibling, in seeking differentiation through their Instinct to be Opposite, then finds no choice but to be relegated to behaving in less socially desirable ways, and eventually assuming the DISFAVORED position, especially in connection with their Prime Love-Giving parent. In reaction, this child may lean toward either side of the Anger-Depression continuum, with Anxiety naturally associated with both of these two painful Emotions. On the Anger side, they may become tough, aggressive, cold, self-interested and lacking in consideration of others. These are the negative character traits and behaviors that become imprinted into the lifestyle of a typical DISFAVORED person. Both as a child and as an adult, this individual has LESS appeal to parents and conventional society.
The reason we wonder why this has happened is that unfortunately, we are tragically unaware of the SIBLING RIVALRY that determines our children’s personalities and behavior patterns, and that this is exactly how EVERY NORMAL FAMILY MUST FUNCTION. We do NOT realize that children live in the Mind of a Child where they are blinded by their instinctive search for LOVE. Most critically too, we are oblivious to our own Favoritism. The further tragedy is that this perpetual cycle of opposition between our children soon broadens to become grounds for opposition between bewildered parents, who often become divided in their own allegiances too. It ultimately has no end since the children of the family are NEVER in harmony and their discomfort inevitably bleeds into the family atmosphere to disrupt it.
DOLIF instructs us that this differentiation of personalities is a universal phenomenon, and that ALL “normal” families are subject to this same destructive force among their children. However, we also note that it is, in fact, reversible if parents, especially the PLG, change their attitudes to direct more LOVE toward their Disfavored child.
Another advantage of DOLIF is that as adults, the Anger-inspired personality traits of a Disfavored individual can be put to good use because of the Disfavored person’s inherent competitive spirit. This shows up as their interest in accumulating money, shrewd business sense and social-manipulative skills. Alternatively, they may gravitate toward other problematic behaviors that are also expressive of Anger, but directed more openly at others, such as rebellion, argumentativeness, oppositionalism or even criminal behavior. If the Disfavored individual leans toward the Depression side of the Anger-Depression continuum, which is in essence Anger turned inward against the SELF, they may display self-destructive behavior such as mental illness, substance abuse or suicide.
Always note that either child, whether born first or second, can grow up to be the Favored one with the positive personality traits and behavior, or the Disfavored one with the negative disposition that will entail an excess of Anxiety, Depression and Anger.
(Continued in Phase 4)
