LOVE IN FAMILIES

Let's Change How We Feel

Phase 2 – The Beginning Of Sibling Relations

DOLF Theory

After a year or two, family relationships become settled. PLG and Child 1 engage in a LOVING relationship in their Inner Circle of Love, while the Outer Circle of Love includes the ALG who provides Support, Stability and Security. Over time, this style of interaction becomes entrenched into the hearts, minds and daily routines of the three new family members. But sooner or later a second child is born! (If no new child is added, family dynamics remain constant.)

From the moment that Child 2 arrives, BOTH children’s instincts kick into full gear and they BOTH immediately perceive each other as rivals for the same precious POT of LOVE supplied by the PLG. We call this competitive behavior SIBLING RIVALRY and note that:

  • SIBLING RIVALRY is the desperate fight to WIN and HOG ALL the LOVE of the PLG
  • SIBLING RIVALRY is All-or-Nothing, so that sharing the LOVE is impossible
  • SIBLINGS engaged in RIVALRY are blind to differences between them such as age, sex or disability
  • SIBLING RIVALRY cannot be avoided regardless of efforts to prepare one child for the birth of a sibling, warn a child NOT to hurt another, or punish a child who expresses it 
  • SIBLING RIVALRY is a territorial instinct that can drive rivals to fight to death

It is a wildly impassioned context! And it is here that 3 negative feelings of ANGER, DEPRESSION and ANXIETY are aroused and maximized in BOTH children at the sight of each other! It is mortal war, the beginning of the SIBLING RIVALRY that is every child’s instinct-driven fight to HOG and WIN every bit of the available POT of LOVE, ATTENTION and EMOTIONAL COMMITTMENT from their PRIME LOVE GIVING parent to the utter exclusion, and destruction of their their next born sibling.

Over time this ANGER-driven SIBLING RIVALRY takes on a social dimension. It expands onto social targets, morphing into a feeling of being short-changed, cheated, and discriminated by others! When mixed with the natural endowment of human Intelligence, it evolves into a diffuse feeling of being treated unfairly, especially by the PLG parent. As well, spurred by its underlying Anger, resentment and hatred, some secondary negative Social Emotions are added, most notably Suspicion and Blame. Both children’s thoughts become: “My sibling is secretly stealing (MY property, MY food, MY money) MY LOVE!” This Intellectually generated, Anger-driven thought may be directed at (a) the SIBLING, as in “YOU STOLE THE LOVE THAT BELONGS TO ME!” , and lead to persistent fighting. Or, it may be directed at (b) the PLG PARENT as in “YOU SECRETLY LOVE MY SIBLING BETTER THAN ME!”, leading to accusations, challenge and disobedience against the parents. Alternatively with age, the Anger, Suspicion and Blame might be directed outside the family at (c) PEERS through bullying, ganging up or schoolyard aggression, or at (d) SOCIETY, against authority figures such as teachers, care workers, police or the political system. For example, the Intellectual thought, when mixed with the Angry Emotion that is behind it, becomes reformulated outside the family as: “My teacher is stupid and mean!”, or “The police have no right to try to control everyone!”, or “This political/social structure is no good. It needs to change!” In actuality, these outsiders are merely the unfortunate targets of the burning ANGER that was created from the original Sibling Rivalry that started at home and was externalized to include outside social targets.

These intense, long-lasting reactions of children engaged in a SIBLING RIVALRY war may seem wildly excessive to us! We, as parents and adults who are governed by our Intellectual rather than Emotional faculties, are usually treating the siblings fairly by our standards. But just as salmon instinctively strive to swim upstream under threat of death, or bees may die to protect their queen, in the minds of infants, toddlers, teenagers or immature adults, these rivalrous feelings with the opponent sibling are desperate, vital and all-consuming, and the atmosphere is at ALL times frenzied, furious and frantic!

It is from this battleground that with time, Favoritism gradually and imperceptibly begins to creep in and penetrate the family atmosphere, expanding to shape and permanently change each child’s behavior and personality. Exactly how this happens will be explained in Phase 3.

 

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